Category: Musings

Categories
Musings

Doing Better

Photo by Kevin Malik on Pexels.com

Early this morning, Raphael asked me if I could come to watch him at his swimming class this afternoon. I was not able to watch the past few weeks because of influenza making its rounds in New Zealand. I gave him a definite yes to his request.

He further said, “Mum, I will do better…”.

My heart raced a bit hearing this, anticipating what he will say.

“…than I did last week! I will do proper swimming this week!”

I sighed in relief. It is beautiful to hear this from my own child. He wants to be a better version of himself.

I grew up in a culture where my worth was measured against other people’s performance, skill, or even physical attributes. I can only claim to be better if compared to whoever they prefer to compare me to.

It ends with me. My child is enough as he is. If he chooses to be better, he will be a better version of himself. He is enough.

Categories
Musings

On Words and its Power

Photo by Wojmir Gromadka on Pexels.com

Lately, I have been trying to get back into the habit of writing with the sole purpose of regaining my communication skills. Since I had Raphael, most of my conversations involve staggered phrases, made-up words, and a questionable slurry of thoughts. Mid-conversation, I will pause and try to remember what my point was. My pauses in adult conversations are extremely, uncomfortably long. My vocabulary shrank to a quarter.

Part of my efforts include reading books, both fiction and nonfiction. Happy to say that to date, I have read 13 books this year. Unlike previous years, I was not too picky in choosing books this year. I read what was recommended by the library and my in-laws. I have started taking notes from each book I read. And with that exercise, I have come, yet again, to see the powers our words wield.

The Philippines’ national hero, Jose Rizal, believed that the pen is mightier than the sword. I have read the novels he wrote, and I have never understood his point until now.

This year, the books that I have read made an impact on how I think and act. I have made changes to some of my habits. Some nonfiction books made me cry and prompted me to take a closer look at my past and present. Some books prompted me to grieve and let go of the things I have long held on to. Some books I have found unusual allies in, having known that there are people out there like me – those who never quite fit in.

Words have power – those we let in, and those we push out. I wish to write more. I wish my words be sweet-smelling and comforting for those who will hear or read…

Categories
Family Musings

Intentionality in Use of Technology

Photo by Sony Dude on Pexels.com

My son, unlike his millennial parents, is a digital native. It’s amazing how he adapts to technology, considering we, millennials, were introduced to phones and computers much later than these digital natives. However, with just about anything, moderation is key. Given unrestricted screen time, we have observed drastic behavioural changes with him. He gets snappy, impatient, and generally dysregulated.

Seeing this, Howell and I had to make changes to how we operate at home.

  • No phones or any other screens during mealtime
  • We put our phones down when talking to each other
  • Quiet, low-stimulation activities after dinner (reading books, doing activity books, drawing, instead of watching TV)

The most difficult adjustment for me is the low-stimulation activities after dinner, since I am used to just watching TV before bed. It’s my way of tuning out after a long day.

However, it is proving to be one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. I am back to more regular journaling and writing in general. I get to work on a new book I am illustrating. My mind is quieter and focused. My creative ideas started coming back after I shut out the noise from entertainment I can easily access through social media and television. Some nights, I still watch TV before bed, but it won’t be until I’ve exhausted all my creative endeavours for the night.

I understood intentionality more when I had my child. I did not feel the need to make changes when it was just Howell and I, since extended screen times did not seem detrimental to us at that time. Seeing how it affects my son’s development now, it has inspired us to do better—in this case, to do less.

Categories
Musings

The World Needs More Servant-Leaders

Photo by Diana u2728 on Pexels.com

I like watching documentaries, and I came across one yesterday that made me think about leadership. I watched Shipwrecked: Nightmare at Sea.

It’s hard to imagine a shipwreck as huge as this still happening in our time. The documentary showed details about Costa Concordia’s shipwreck in 2012. I wanted to know its scale compared to Titanic. A quick Google search shows that 2,200+ were onboard Titanic, while 4,200+ were onboard the Costa Concordia.

What stood out to me were the two different responses of the people who had leadership roles on that ship. One was the Captain, Francesco Schettino, and the other one was the ship’s hotel director, Manrico Giampedroni.

According to a voice recording of the captain and the coast guard, he initially downplayed the severity of the ship’s condition, delaying the commencement of rescue operations for the passengers. The same captain eventually abandoned ship, leaving hundreds of passengers without any direction on how to proceed.

In contrast, the hotel director stayed behind to help lead people out of the sinking ship. He was the last living survivor rescued from the ship 36 hours after it sank. There are legal technicalities to their sentencing, but their actions displayed the situation with the world’s leaders today. The hotel director chose to stay to the point of being on the verge of death, while the captain left, adamant he wouldn’t come back, despite the coastguard’s order for him to come back to the ship.

Whether in small or large-scale situations, positions of power are always sought after. People see the glamour with people on top, but not the seriousness of the responsibility it entails.

With great power comes great responsibility.

Power is attractive. Responsibility is not. Responsibility requires sacrifice, thinking of others apart from self, considering the good of many, and being accountable for the results of decisions and actions.

I have heard of the term servant leadership in university. It is putting the team ahead of your personal needs, as opposed to being served by subordinates. It considers what’s best for the people they lead, even if it may sometimes be disadvantageous to them personally.

I sometimes feel a specific type of dread these days when reading about world news. However, it’s good to know that although rare, some leaders still choose the path of servant leadership. How can you be a servant-leader in your circle, small or large, today?

25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28

Categories
Art Practice Musings

Love, Assured

My life has been steady since I got married. Some days, I have greater appreciation than others.

What prompted me to write this today is my recent experience with a project I started. I am currently doing a mural for my son’s kindy. I am free to choose my surface so I can work anywhere I prefer. I chose to use perspex sheets and have found a supplier at Lower Hutt.

I’d like to believe I work well with numbers, but it’s hit-and-miss for me with physical things. Turns out, the sheets I ordered were way too large for my studio and me to deal with.

Howell’s first reaction when it was delivered was that he offered to tidy up my space so I can work more comfortably in the studio. His reaction has taken me aback since it would have been way different at the start of our marriage. I was expecting a sort of interrogation of my thought process while I was ordering it and why I ordered such a huge surface, which my current workspace cannot really accommodate.

Later that day, I talked to him and acknowledged his response. I appreciated how loving it was. He explained to me that yes, his response would have been different if we were not in a committed relationship. But since he has decided he will stay with me till death do us part, there is no other route but to choose what’s best for me at that point instead of choosing to argue.

I appreciate that very much. I appreciate that we have love that wouldn’t leave me second-guessing. I appreciate that this love welcomes mistakes. This love is rarely about grand gestures, but a consistent, daily choice to show up, understand, and work things out.

In the end, had to bring the sheet back to the supplier and ask him to cut it into smaller pieces. Even I was annoyed with myself, not realising how that scale would have made things very difficult for me. But being shown this kind of love, even I can forgive and embrace myself for my mistakes.

We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

Categories
Musings Settling in NZ Uncategorized

The Joys and Pains of Coming Home: A Filipino Migrant’s Tale

My husband and I landed in New Zealand in late 2016. We were initially looking at staying here for five years to earn enough money as a jumpstart to our life back in the Philippines. Since then, we have only come back once in 2018, during the wedding of one of my closest friends from university. The dream of coming back home after five years was crushed by Covid and the contrast of living back home and staying here. We are all, including my son, New Zealand citizens now.

I used to wonder why my in-laws took ten years before they were able to come back to the Philippines after moving here in NZ. It is when I stayed here that I understood it more fully. Almost all the bills and even wage payments here arrive on a fortnightly basis. If you are either renting or paying a mortgage, the expenses never pause even when you are on a holiday.

Some of my friends here are still able to visit the Philippines once in a while, but because of several decisions we’ve made as a family, we are just unable to visit again at this time.

Distance has separated me from the people I have the deepest relationships with. I have missed my sister’s wedding, the birth of her first child, the weddings of my closest friends and the birth of their children, the passing away of the important people in my friends’ lives, them meeting their partners, them establishing careers, and all the “adult” milestones I can think of.

Recently, one of my closest friend’s dad passed away. The event triggered one of the most frustrating things I have continuously experienced since coming here—not having the ability to be present. This friend of mine has witnessed most of the highs and lows of my life as a young adult. Being so far away, the only thing I can do was message him on Facebook. There’s not much I can do. I did not want to disturb him with a call since there are more pressing items he needed to attend to. It was so frustrating having online chats to be the only way to connect to him. If I were back home, I’d probably be instantly knocking at his home, bringing snacks and ice cream, and just sitting silently by his side, as I usually do with my friends who go through tough life moments.

Or maybe I am romanticising the idea of presence in my head. When I left home, we did not have a child yet. My friends did not have as much responsibilities as they have now. Maybe I won’t be as available had I stayed. Still, I find it disheartening only having a screen as a means to connect with people I care about. I miss the banters only face-to-face interactions can bring. I miss just. being. present.

I have kept in contact with my closest friends. I have lost some along the way. Thank God for social media because I can see how their lives are going! Still, if you have once called me a friend, drop me a DM. I do miss conversations in my native language. I do miss the banters. I do miss the stories. I do miss the relationships…

And hey, maybe I cannot visit for now, but maybe you can plan a holiday to NZ! And maybe, just for an afternoon, a coffee to catch up with an old friend…

Categories
Family Musings Uncategorized

Just Another Monday

We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.

Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!

It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.

I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.

Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.

Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…

Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…

Categories
Musings

God Meets Us Where We Are

People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.

However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.

I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.

…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.

It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.

But God knows how to meet me where I am…

I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.

The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.

My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!

Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.

This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.

One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.

I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.

He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.

In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…

Categories
Musings

Growing Around Grief

Image by Silvia from Pixabay

Grief doesn’t go away; you grow around it.

I came across this statement a couple of years ago while processing my grief around the loss of my dad, and it has stuck with me since.

Last week was my dad’s 18th death anniversary, and I couldn’t help but remember the statement above. I still remember everything as if it happened just yesterday. That day, I prayed and opened my Bible as I waited for news about my dad while my mother and my sister rushed him to the hospital.

It had already been a tough time for us back then and my dad’s passing, I felt, was an unnecessary blow to my family. As I read my Bible that day, this reading from Psalms stood out to me:

Psalm 126

1 When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
    we were like those who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
3 The Lord has done great things for us,
    and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, Lord,
    like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.

In one of my darkest moments, God has promised me good things. He promised me joy. It’s only in hindsight that I see God has been good to us even in the worst of times.

I told my sister that this year marks the amount of time I had with my dad was the same amount of time I have spent without him. Truly, I have grown around grief. There have been so many trials, joys, sadness, and victories I have had since he passed, and I am sure we’ll have heaps of time to talk about those in eternity. The in-between seems the hardest for me, even until now. I still long to speak to him, to be reassured by him, to even just hear his terrible dad jokes.

The good news is you grow around grief. Life does go on. In moments when grief visits me, I welcome it. These days remind me how God has been so faithful in my life. Indeed, I have reaped songs of joy as the Lord promised.

Categories
Art Practice Family Musings

A Spring Surprise

A New Morning

Many of our family’s milestones since we arrived in New Zealand usually happen over the spring season. Someone once told me that spring always brings new life. I did not understand it then, but as the years went by, I eventually understood. Animals are born in spring. New leaves bud in spring. Signs of new beginnings are made more visible in spring.

This gets me excited for this specific season as it comes each year. This year, though, I wasn’t expecting a lot because I felt like I had everything I wanted and needed. Little did I know that one of my recent prayer intentions and persistent worries will come to an end as spring season starts! Rapha is finally offered a spot in kindy!!! An amazing answered prayer!

We were initially contacted by the kindy for a visit because Rapha was nearing the top of their waitlist. We set a date for the visit and went. During our visit, Rapha, once we were on the premises, let go of my hand and dove right in with the other kids to play. I couldn’t peel him off the place once I was done with the visit. One of the teachers and some of the kids had to help me so we could end our visit that day. I knew at that moment, he’s ready for this next adventure.

Once we got home, we immediately received an offer of a spot at that kindy for next term. We were offered a three-day week to start, which was exactly what we wanted. God is good! Another thing crossed off my ticklist!

I am now in the process of preparing things that Rapha will need… and of course, planning what to do with all that free time! I have a wishlist of things I want done, but I will need to manage the time and my expectations at the same time. At the top of my list is my art practice and my swimming sessions—it’s all so exciting! This is such a welcomed spring surprise!

As I picture Rapha being dropped off on his first day, I know he will be fine. I am confident of his growing independence. It won’t be him who cries, I’m 100% sure!