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Musings

Doing Better

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Early this morning, Raphael asked me if I could come to watch him at his swimming class this afternoon. I was not able to watch the past few weeks because of influenza making its rounds in New Zealand. I gave him a definite yes to his request.

He further said, “Mum, I will do better…”.

My heart raced a bit hearing this, anticipating what he will say.

“…than I did last week! I will do proper swimming this week!”

I sighed in relief. It is beautiful to hear this from my own child. He wants to be a better version of himself.

I grew up in a culture where my worth was measured against other people’s performance, skill, or even physical attributes. I can only claim to be better if compared to whoever they prefer to compare me to.

It ends with me. My child is enough as he is. If he chooses to be better, he will be a better version of himself. He is enough.

Categories
Musings

On Words and its Power

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Lately, I have been trying to get back into the habit of writing with the sole purpose of regaining my communication skills. Since I had Raphael, most of my conversations involve staggered phrases, made-up words, and a questionable slurry of thoughts. Mid-conversation, I will pause and try to remember what my point was. My pauses in adult conversations are extremely, uncomfortably long. My vocabulary shrank to a quarter.

Part of my efforts include reading books, both fiction and nonfiction. Happy to say that to date, I have read 13 books this year. Unlike previous years, I was not too picky in choosing books this year. I read what was recommended by the library and my in-laws. I have started taking notes from each book I read. And with that exercise, I have come, yet again, to see the powers our words wield.

The Philippines’ national hero, Jose Rizal, believed that the pen is mightier than the sword. I have read the novels he wrote, and I have never understood his point until now.

This year, the books that I have read made an impact on how I think and act. I have made changes to some of my habits. Some nonfiction books made me cry and prompted me to take a closer look at my past and present. Some books prompted me to grieve and let go of the things I have long held on to. Some books I have found unusual allies in, having known that there are people out there like me – those who never quite fit in.

Words have power – those we let in, and those we push out. I wish to write more. I wish my words be sweet-smelling and comforting for those who will hear or read…

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Family Musings

Intentionality in Use of Technology

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My son, unlike his millennial parents, is a digital native. It’s amazing how he adapts to technology, considering we, millennials, were introduced to phones and computers much later than these digital natives. However, with just about anything, moderation is key. Given unrestricted screen time, we have observed drastic behavioural changes with him. He gets snappy, impatient, and generally dysregulated.

Seeing this, Howell and I had to make changes to how we operate at home.

  • No phones or any other screens during mealtime
  • We put our phones down when talking to each other
  • Quiet, low-stimulation activities after dinner (reading books, doing activity books, drawing, instead of watching TV)

The most difficult adjustment for me is the low-stimulation activities after dinner, since I am used to just watching TV before bed. It’s my way of tuning out after a long day.

However, it is proving to be one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. I am back to more regular journaling and writing in general. I get to work on a new book I am illustrating. My mind is quieter and focused. My creative ideas started coming back after I shut out the noise from entertainment I can easily access through social media and television. Some nights, I still watch TV before bed, but it won’t be until I’ve exhausted all my creative endeavours for the night.

I understood intentionality more when I had my child. I did not feel the need to make changes when it was just Howell and I, since extended screen times did not seem detrimental to us at that time. Seeing how it affects my son’s development now, it has inspired us to do better—in this case, to do less.

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Musings

The World Needs More Servant-Leaders

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I like watching documentaries, and I came across one yesterday that made me think about leadership. I watched Shipwrecked: Nightmare at Sea.

It’s hard to imagine a shipwreck as huge as this still happening in our time. The documentary showed details about Costa Concordia’s shipwreck in 2012. I wanted to know its scale compared to Titanic. A quick Google search shows that 2,200+ were onboard Titanic, while 4,200+ were onboard the Costa Concordia.

What stood out to me were the two different responses of the people who had leadership roles on that ship. One was the Captain, Francesco Schettino, and the other one was the ship’s hotel director, Manrico Giampedroni.

According to a voice recording of the captain and the coast guard, he initially downplayed the severity of the ship’s condition, delaying the commencement of rescue operations for the passengers. The same captain eventually abandoned ship, leaving hundreds of passengers without any direction on how to proceed.

In contrast, the hotel director stayed behind to help lead people out of the sinking ship. He was the last living survivor rescued from the ship 36 hours after it sank. There are legal technicalities to their sentencing, but their actions displayed the situation with the world’s leaders today. The hotel director chose to stay to the point of being on the verge of death, while the captain left, adamant he wouldn’t come back, despite the coastguard’s order for him to come back to the ship.

Whether in small or large-scale situations, positions of power are always sought after. People see the glamour with people on top, but not the seriousness of the responsibility it entails.

With great power comes great responsibility.

Power is attractive. Responsibility is not. Responsibility requires sacrifice, thinking of others apart from self, considering the good of many, and being accountable for the results of decisions and actions.

I have heard of the term servant leadership in university. It is putting the team ahead of your personal needs, as opposed to being served by subordinates. It considers what’s best for the people they lead, even if it may sometimes be disadvantageous to them personally.

I sometimes feel a specific type of dread these days when reading about world news. However, it’s good to know that although rare, some leaders still choose the path of servant leadership. How can you be a servant-leader in your circle, small or large, today?

25 Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. 26 Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 27 and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— 28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28

Categories
Family

Teachers Who Care

Raphael has been going to swim classes since he was four months old. Since then, he has progressed and gained confidence in the water. Before he got into kindergarten, his swim classes were where he met his first teachers.

One of the teachers he’s had exponential progress with is Kat from Dash Swim School. She was very personal with him. Raphael was comfortable and engaged during her classes because she is firm and clear with the kids, yet she gave them opportunities to just be. We were hoping she would be able to move him to the next level this term, but unfortunately for us, she was moved to another age group.

Still, we see her observing his progress from time to time. She was there a couple of weeks ago when Raphael was assessed but did not pass to move up. She knew, though, that Raphael was close to being ready. Little did I know that she had a chat with Raphael’s current teacher to give her some pointers on the things she needs to focus on with him. We saw how his new teacher took on the advice because he did improve in a matter of sessions, where he was then reassessed and successfully moved up to the Little Orca level!

After my swim today, I came across her because the swim teachers are usually there during school holidays. We had a chat about Raphael, and I thanked her for all her efforts to bring him to the next stage of his swimming journey. She told me she was the one who nudged the other teacher to reassess Raphael before the term ended.

It amazes me when I come across people who do above and beyond what’s expected of them. The care and thought she has for my son is rare, and I truly appreciate it. I feel blessed to be surrounded by people who care about my son because growing up, I did not experience it as much as I see it firsthand in my son’s life today. It’s not so much about him moving up, but it fills my heart to know that we have a village out there helping us shape our son so he can be the best version of himself he can be. To the teachers who love and care for our little ones, thank you.

Categories
Art Practice Musings

Love, Assured

My life has been steady since I got married. Some days, I have greater appreciation than others.

What prompted me to write this today is my recent experience with a project I started. I am currently doing a mural for my son’s kindy. I am free to choose my surface so I can work anywhere I prefer. I chose to use perspex sheets and have found a supplier at Lower Hutt.

I’d like to believe I work well with numbers, but it’s hit-and-miss for me with physical things. Turns out, the sheets I ordered were way too large for my studio and me to deal with.

Howell’s first reaction when it was delivered was that he offered to tidy up my space so I can work more comfortably in the studio. His reaction has taken me aback since it would have been way different at the start of our marriage. I was expecting a sort of interrogation of my thought process while I was ordering it and why I ordered such a huge surface, which my current workspace cannot really accommodate.

Later that day, I talked to him and acknowledged his response. I appreciated how loving it was. He explained to me that yes, his response would have been different if we were not in a committed relationship. But since he has decided he will stay with me till death do us part, there is no other route but to choose what’s best for me at that point instead of choosing to argue.

I appreciate that very much. I appreciate that we have love that wouldn’t leave me second-guessing. I appreciate that this love welcomes mistakes. This love is rarely about grand gestures, but a consistent, daily choice to show up, understand, and work things out.

In the end, had to bring the sheet back to the supplier and ask him to cut it into smaller pieces. Even I was annoyed with myself, not realising how that scale would have made things very difficult for me. But being shown this kind of love, even I can forgive and embrace myself for my mistakes.

We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19)

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Art Practice Uncategorized

Physicality in Artmaking

I like taking note of things as I learn them. One of the new things I found is how physical artmaking can be!

My usual paintings sit under a metre in size. However, I was recently commissioned into a project four times larger than my usual artworks. I will be doing it on perspex sheets, which is also another first!

Yesterday, I had a two-metre perspex sheet cut into smaller pieces, so I hauled it to the vendor I initially ordered the sheets from. I then prepared the sheets I am going to use with a plastic primer and clear gesso on top.

As a 156cm long woman, I had to find a spot outside of our home to get this done. I was surprised how scale can change the way I work and engage with materials. I had to stretch my arms and legs more than my typical process. In between these steps, I had to check my blood sugar as it came crashing to dangerously low levels at some points during the day.

I have seen large-scale paintings from other artists in the past and now I am wondering how they ever get those done!

This is quite a new experience for me, and I am excited to complete this project. It’s amazing to find out that artmaking engages my mind, senses, emotions, and physicality. I feel more alive than ever now that my art practice has reached a certain level of consistency. More updates on this project to come!

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Art Practice Family

Shifting Routines as an Artist Mum

I have always told myself that if I were going to have a child, I would continue to pursue a career I want. In my head, it was easy. I liked tackling different things at the same time. I thought that managing projects and personal life as a childless person was the same as managing a career, a household, and a growing child — how bold my thoughts were!

Rapha is now doing 4 days a week at kindy, and I initially thought it was a good change. I will have more time. It’s more advantageous for me since it’s one more day I can do things independently. I forgot to factor in that I am a person of routine! As a creative person, it is difficult for me to just sit down and produce creative things on a whim. I need a lot of mental preparation to figure out what needs to get done for the day.

I used to swim, walk, do errands, and work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and it was a good setup since I had quiet days with Rapha in between. Rapha’s new kindy days are from Mondays to Thursdays since it establishes more stable expectations of the days’ activities for him.

This means that I will have to squeeze in my previous tasks into four consecutive days, without my usual breathing space in between! Now, I am scrambling because I did not anticipate how tired I would be if I kept that routine at that pace! It has been a month, and I am still trying variations of my workflow to suit my mental and physical capacity. I thrive in structure and routine because if I do not organise it, my mind goes places and I engage in tasks that bring me farther from my goal.

The thing I have learnt here is that life with a child is so exciting haha! It stretches me, and it teaches me to bend enough to make space for both of us to thrive. It is amazing what kinds of adjustments parents make to balance family life and their personal goals.

This might be a late appreciation post for mothers, but I have mad respect for all mothers out there, just trying, stretching, balancing, and loving, to make sure their families and children thrive! May God bless the works of your hands, and may relaxation come at some point 🙂

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Musings Settling in NZ Uncategorized

The Joys and Pains of Coming Home: A Filipino Migrant’s Tale

My husband and I landed in New Zealand in late 2016. We were initially looking at staying here for five years to earn enough money as a jumpstart to our life back in the Philippines. Since then, we have only come back once in 2018, during the wedding of one of my closest friends from university. The dream of coming back home after five years was crushed by Covid and the contrast of living back home and staying here. We are all, including my son, New Zealand citizens now.

I used to wonder why my in-laws took ten years before they were able to come back to the Philippines after moving here in NZ. It is when I stayed here that I understood it more fully. Almost all the bills and even wage payments here arrive on a fortnightly basis. If you are either renting or paying a mortgage, the expenses never pause even when you are on a holiday.

Some of my friends here are still able to visit the Philippines once in a while, but because of several decisions we’ve made as a family, we are just unable to visit again at this time.

Distance has separated me from the people I have the deepest relationships with. I have missed my sister’s wedding, the birth of her first child, the weddings of my closest friends and the birth of their children, the passing away of the important people in my friends’ lives, them meeting their partners, them establishing careers, and all the “adult” milestones I can think of.

Recently, one of my closest friend’s dad passed away. The event triggered one of the most frustrating things I have continuously experienced since coming here—not having the ability to be present. This friend of mine has witnessed most of the highs and lows of my life as a young adult. Being so far away, the only thing I can do was message him on Facebook. There’s not much I can do. I did not want to disturb him with a call since there are more pressing items he needed to attend to. It was so frustrating having online chats to be the only way to connect to him. If I were back home, I’d probably be instantly knocking at his home, bringing snacks and ice cream, and just sitting silently by his side, as I usually do with my friends who go through tough life moments.

Or maybe I am romanticising the idea of presence in my head. When I left home, we did not have a child yet. My friends did not have as much responsibilities as they have now. Maybe I won’t be as available had I stayed. Still, I find it disheartening only having a screen as a means to connect with people I care about. I miss the banters only face-to-face interactions can bring. I miss just. being. present.

I have kept in contact with my closest friends. I have lost some along the way. Thank God for social media because I can see how their lives are going! Still, if you have once called me a friend, drop me a DM. I do miss conversations in my native language. I do miss the banters. I do miss the stories. I do miss the relationships…

And hey, maybe I cannot visit for now, but maybe you can plan a holiday to NZ! And maybe, just for an afternoon, a coffee to catch up with an old friend…

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Family Musings Uncategorized

Just Another Monday

We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.

Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!

It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.

I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.

Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.

Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…

Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…