I like taking note of things as I learn them. One of the new things I found is how physical artmaking can be!
My usual paintings sit under a metre in size. However, I was recently commissioned into a project four times larger than my usual artworks. I will be doing it on perspex sheets, which is also another first!
Yesterday, I had a two-metre perspex sheet cut into smaller pieces, so I hauled it to the vendor I initially ordered the sheets from. I then prepared the sheets I am going to use with a plastic primer and clear gesso on top.
As a 156cm long woman, I had to find a spot outside of our home to get this done. I was surprised how scale can change the way I work and engage with materials. I had to stretch my arms and legs more than my typical process. In between these steps, I had to check my blood sugar as it came crashing to dangerously low levels at some points during the day.
I have seen large-scale paintings from other artists in the past and now I am wondering how they ever get those done!
This is quite a new experience for me, and I am excited to complete this project. It’s amazing to find out that artmaking engages my mind, senses, emotions, and physicality. I feel more alive than ever now that my art practice has reached a certain level of consistency. More updates on this project to come!
I have always told myself that if I were going to have a child, I would continue to pursue a career I want. In my head, it was easy. I liked tackling different things at the same time. I thought that managing projects and personal life as a childless person was the same as managing a career, a household, and a growing child — how bold my thoughts were!
Rapha is now doing 4 days a week at kindy, and I initially thought it was a good change. I will have more time. It’s more advantageous for me since it’s one more day I can do things independently. I forgot to factor in that I am a person of routine! As a creative person, it is difficult for me to just sit down and produce creative things on a whim. I need a lot of mental preparation to figure out what needs to get done for the day.
I used to swim, walk, do errands, and work on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and it was a good setup since I had quiet days with Rapha in between. Rapha’s new kindy days are from Mondays to Thursdays since it establishes more stable expectations of the days’ activities for him.
This means that I will have to squeeze in my previous tasks into four consecutive days, without my usual breathing space in between! Now, I am scrambling because I did not anticipate how tired I would be if I kept that routine at that pace! It has been a month, and I am still trying variations of my workflow to suit my mental and physical capacity. I thrive in structure and routine because if I do not organise it, my mind goes places and I engage in tasks that bring me farther from my goal.
The thing I have learnt here is that life with a child is so exciting haha! It stretches me, and it teaches me to bend enough to make space for both of us to thrive. It is amazing what kinds of adjustments parents make to balance family life and their personal goals.
This might be a late appreciation post for mothers, but I have mad respect for all mothers out there, just trying, stretching, balancing, and loving, to make sure their families and children thrive! May God bless the works of your hands, and may relaxation come at some point 🙂
My husband and I landed in New Zealand in late 2016. We were initially looking at staying here for five years to earn enough money as a jumpstart to our life back in the Philippines. Since then, we have only come back once in 2018, during the wedding of one of my closest friends from university. The dream of coming back home after five years was crushed by Covid and the contrast of living back home and staying here. We are all, including my son, New Zealand citizens now.
I used to wonder why my in-laws took ten years before they were able to come back to the Philippines after moving here in NZ. It is when I stayed here that I understood it more fully. Almost all the bills and even wage payments here arrive on a fortnightly basis. If you are either renting or paying a mortgage, the expenses never pause even when you are on a holiday.
Some of my friends here are still able to visit the Philippines once in a while, but because of several decisions we’ve made as a family, we are just unable to visit again at this time.
Distance has separated me from the people I have the deepest relationships with. I have missed my sister’s wedding, the birth of her first child, the weddings of my closest friends and the birth of their children, the passing away of the important people in my friends’ lives, them meeting their partners, them establishing careers, and all the “adult” milestones I can think of.
Recently, one of my closest friend’s dad passed away. The event triggered one of the most frustrating things I have continuously experienced since coming here—not having the ability to be present. This friend of mine has witnessed most of the highs and lows of my life as a young adult. Being so far away, the only thing I can do was message him on Facebook. There’s not much I can do. I did not want to disturb him with a call since there are more pressing items he needed to attend to. It was so frustrating having online chats to be the only way to connect to him. If I were back home, I’d probably be instantly knocking at his home, bringing snacks and ice cream, and just sitting silently by his side, as I usually do with my friends who go through tough life moments.
Or maybe I am romanticising the idea of presence in my head. When I left home, we did not have a child yet. My friends did not have as much responsibilities as they have now. Maybe I won’t be as available had I stayed. Still, I find it disheartening only having a screen as a means to connect with people I care about. I miss the banters only face-to-face interactions can bring. I miss just. being. present.
I have kept in contact with my closest friends. I have lost some along the way. Thank God for social media because I can see how their lives are going! Still, if you have once called me a friend, drop me a DM. I do miss conversations in my native language. I do miss the banters. I do miss the stories. I do miss the relationships…
And hey, maybe I cannot visit for now, but maybe you can plan a holiday to NZ! And maybe, just for an afternoon, a coffee to catch up with an old friend…
We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.
Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!
It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.
I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.
Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.
Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…
Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…
People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.
However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.
I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.
…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.
It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.
But God knows how to meet me where I am…
I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.
The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.
My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!
Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.
This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.
One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.
I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.
He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.
In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…
I have a pattern in my creative life where I am extremely productive and highly creative, then get to a dormant season where even though I continue creating, I do get a bit unproductive and then head to a phase where to reignite my creativity, I learn something new, and then head on to a new project reenergised and in full blast.
I am so close to the new project phase now but my dormant phase has been very interesting.
In my last dormant phase, I learnt how to make sourdough and have been making it since. We rarely buy store-bought bread now.
This time, I learnt two things: sumi-e ink painting and gardening.
Sumi-e Ink Painting
With the sumi-e ink, I was guided by a book I purchased ages ago. It’s called The Art of Sumi-E by Naomi Okamoto. I liked it because the method of learning is by copying the paintings presented in the book. I didn’t have to think hard and create when my creative juices were running dry. I just had to learn by copying.
The three things I loved were:
You get to create complete artworks with a few strokes. It works well with the way I work.
It is meditative. Since every stroke matters, I was able to be present while creating. My mind wasn’t racing to be elsewhere while I was doing it.
The paintings do not need grounding. It uses negative space to suggest a background to each painting. I love it because backgrounds are honestly my weakness. I hyper-focus on a subject, and rarely do I think about backgrounds when completing a painting.
Below are some of my favourites.
For a few months, I have only been doing these exercises, and it got me prepared to dive back in to my own practice again.
Gardening
The other thing I have learnt is gardening. People close to me know how awful I am with gardening. Even the hardiest plants wilt in my care. I’m unsure why I gave it another chance this time.
To soften the blow, I started planting herbs from seeds. This way, the initial expenses are not that much and I can just plant the seeds I have over and over until I get it right.
When my spring onions, chives, and mini leeks grew, I became bolder, and I tried to grow napa cabbage and tomatoes—both seeds randomly chosen by my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this to start with. I cannot remember why he encouraged me, but he might have some regrets now that we have a full-blown vege garden in our backyard.
At the time of writing, we now have a herb garden, a mandarin shrub, and a kalanchoe on our deck. In our backyard, we have a lemon tree, 2 avocado trees, coffee tree, lavender, tomatoes, kangkong, kumara, garlic, onion, ginger, spinach, lettuce, blueberries, strawberries, snake beans, and eggplant, which are all on raised beds and pots. I am awaiting about 15 more seedlings for planting in autumn and I plan to set up an apple and feijoa tree in winter and olive and fig tree in the summer.
Plants on Deck
Backyard
Being the kind of person I am, the drive to plant edibles is strong because I like seeing actual fruits (or vegetables) with my efforts. I have nothing against people who grow ornamental plants, but being the person I am, there is just less drive for me to go for “aesthetics”, as seen in my current garden setup. Today, I saw two blueberries on my plant, and what joy to see it!
There were some mistakes that were just straight-out hilarious. The first batch of tomatoes I’ve grown wilted after a few consecutive days of rain, so when another type of plant sprung to replace it, I felt hopeful! Little did I know that I was nurturing…. weeds!!! Of course, my thoughtful husband did not fail to “document” it.
I have a vision for both our front and backyard, but I didn’t realise how expensive this endeavour can be! I decided to use raised garden beds and pots because the weeds on our property are a pain, and we haven’t got it in control yet. I wanted to give my plants some fighting chance by creating a more controlled environment for them. For now, I will build on my garden one step at a time., but this have proven to be a very therapeutic activity for me.
These days, I have been enjoying activities that slow me down. I am amazed at how much more aware I become when I slow down. I get to appreciate my surroundings and find blessings in even the most mundane things more.
What’s more amazing is how this one hobby has got everyone in our family involved. Howell would be as excited as I am to see new leaves or sprouts each day. Rapha helps me water the plants. He has his own watering can and garden gloves, too. He would often encourage each plant by saying, “grow, kangkong, grow!” or “give us heaps of fruits, mandarin!”. And Milo being Milo would snack on the sheep pellets and mulch. He will usually “guard” me while doing gardening, following me around wherever I go.
I am excited with what these new experiences will bring. I’m looking forward to sketching the flowers and leaves in my garden. I am buzzing with ideas these days. Life is good and I am ready to jump into creating my own art again soon!
I love my sketches for Days 4 and 5. I’m trying out lines and how they can be applied to express effects I want done. I loved how cosy my dog looked in my Day 5 sketch.
Days 2 and 3 drawings – I had fun adding in the bubbles on Rapha’s bottle. The plate drawing was a bit tight for my liking. So excited for what I can get done in the coming days!
Many of our family’s milestones since we arrived in New Zealand usually happen over the spring season. Someone once told me that spring always brings new life. I did not understand it then, but as the years went by, I eventually understood. Animals are born in spring. New leaves bud in spring. Signs of new beginnings are made more visible in spring.
This gets me excited for this specific season as it comes each year. This year, though, I wasn’t expecting a lot because I felt like I had everything I wanted and needed. Little did I know that one of my recent prayer intentions and persistent worries will come to an end as spring season starts! Rapha is finally offered a spot in kindy!!! An amazing answered prayer!
We were initially contacted by the kindy for a visit because Rapha was nearing the top of their waitlist. We set a date for the visit and went. During our visit, Rapha, once we were on the premises, let go of my hand and dove right in with the other kids to play. I couldn’t peel him off the place once I was done with the visit. One of the teachers and some of the kids had to help me so we could end our visit that day. I knew at that moment, he’s ready for this next adventure.
Once we got home, we immediately received an offer of a spot at that kindy for next term. We were offered a three-day week to start, which was exactly what we wanted. God is good! Another thing crossed off my ticklist!
I am now in the process of preparing things that Rapha will need… and of course, planning what to do with all that free time! I have a wishlist of things I want done, but I will need to manage the time and my expectations at the same time. At the top of my list is my art practice and my swimming sessions—it’s all so exciting! This is such a welcomed spring surprise!
As I picture Rapha being dropped off on his first day, I know he will be fine. I am confident of his growing independence. It won’t be him who cries, I’m 100% sure!
With hopeful expectations, I came into motherhood thinking that, by my sheer willpower, nothing will change with my art practice. In my heart of hearts, I even thought I would nail all my roles with flying colours because I am soooooo good at juggling several things at a time.
Two years in, in full humility, I admit that I DID NOT nail all my roles. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I still put in the effort. I would say I do have an art practice. I make something almost everyday. I squeeze art in every single opportunity I get. However, things are not turning out the way I envisioned them to be. I still am not earning from art, not winning any awards, not qualifying for any of the known art shows here in NZ. Maybe it’s the economy, maybe it’s the market saturation of artists these days, or maybe now isn’t just my time yet—whatever the reason, I am not where I thought I’d be a couple years ago.
I am not in despair, though. I have readjusted my expectations of how my current world works. I am focusing on the things I can control.
First item I had to adjust my expectations for was childcare. I thought that when Rapha turns two, all I had to do was to decide to send him to kindy and as long as I was on a waitlist, all will be well. However, all is not well. Kindys are full. Rapha is on the 21st on the waitlist of the kindy which is a couple minutes’ walk from our place. He was on the waitlist since he was one year old. Even the ones which are a 5-10 minute drive ones are unavailable. I was on a limbo for a couple months until I decided I’ll just wait for the kindy near our place and if it never happens, then he’ll stay with me at home and we’ll find ways to make things work.
Second item is my expectation of earning from my art. It has always been the goal even when I didn’t even know what I was specifically selling. These days, I am focused on building a body of work I can stand behind. I do have a good number of artworks now, but I am not happy with them going out into the world yet, so I had to step back and aim to have an established process first and a body of work that I would be proud to show. In saying that, what I do these days is join group exhibits because it takes less work and still gives me an avenue to show some of my work.
With balancing the needs of a child and my art practice, I finally accepted that it is virtually impossible to do both at the same time. Case in point: this is my 5th attempt in 2 weeks to complete this blog entry. I just do not have enough hands for it, so instead of squeezing art during the day, I do it while he naps and once he sleeps at night. The need to watch over him to keep him alive is much more necessary these days because he’s a terrible two indeed.
The future is bright, though, because I have found ways to keep him busy these days. He has different sets of toys, art materials, and musical instruments he can explore during the day. All I need is to make it enjoyable enough for him to explore them independently.
This is all a phase, and until things free up more, I will stay here and enjoy the ride.
HandsVentures NZ 