Category: Musings

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Musings

2020 Updates

I have not accomplished a lot since the accident in 2018. It may have been PTSD or depression, or maybe both, but I found it very difficult to continue with life in general after that. My health had the biggest hit since – I had to deal with my blood sugar, my weight, my infertility, PCOS, on top of the trauma and the depression.

I started to learn and do new things which helped me with my healing process and I can stay I am close to being fully functional now, almost 2 years after the accident.

I have been praying, serving, painting, swimming, crocheting, drawing, focusing on my work and online shop during my quiet months. These things and the support of my husband has allowed me to bounce back. It is in these brief moments of clarity that I am able to write and tell my story so join me in my journey! I will be posting more in the next weeks, months, etc. 🙂

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Musings

About a Boy

Let me tell you about a boy.

He is talented. He plays guitar, drums, bass guitar, and piano.

He is active. He plays ultimate frisbee, volleyball, and basketball.

He prays. He trusts that there is a Sovereign God taking care of us at all times.

He is a lot of things to me.

I break things and I sometimes feel like I waste a lot of time and money, yet he generously gives, still.

I break down, get irritated, and change moods in a heartbeat, yet he never tires of standing by me.

I’m a mess in the most literal sense but he never tires of cleaning up after my own messes.

I work, but I feel not as hard as how this boy works to provide for me.

And it’s not just me.

I will always be grateful that this boy stayed.

I see this boy stretch himself, over and over, for the people he comes across with – his family, his work mates, and all the other people he serves.

Happy birthday, my handsome, talented, kind, generous boy! I met you as a boy and I am proud to tell the world that this boy has grown into a wonderful, wonderful man! I love you, Howell! Now, we celebrate!!!

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Daily Painting Musings

Daily Painting – Living Waters

I’ve been reading this book called Daily Painting by Carol Marine. The main message is to encourage artists to paint daily for their art to improve. I’ve only read a few pages but I am all in with the idea.

For my first painting, I painted a stream that flows into a river. As most of my paintings/ artworks/ writings reflect my inner thoughts, I wanted to share why I chose to paint this piece.

The past weeks have not been the best of times for me and Howell. I’ve been thinking a lot about life in general. One thing that keeps coming to mind is how I want to live my life. What do I want it to look like?

One gets a good perspective of how insignificant our issues can be if we look at the long-term consequences of the things we do on an everyday basis. It gives perspective on the things we consider “huge” and on the things we consider “petty/ trivial”. As Howell and I are at an age where we have all the resources we need at our disposal, it would be such a waste to live life as if it were just ours alone to live.

What are the good things we have for, if we choose to keep it to ourselves?

I thought of an imagery of a stream. The stream trickles down water from various sources and flows it to rivers. I want my life to be life-giving, not because I produce life on my own but that because I am connected to a source that never dries up. I want my words, my actions, my decisions, to reflect the purest of waters my source gives.

If there was just one thing that I want people to remember me by, it would be how gracious I have been, in whatever situation I were in. I want to be proud not of my achievements or my stature, or of my possessions I have acquired in my lifetime.

Instead, I want to be proud of the times I chose to forgive in spite of the pain. I want to be proud of giving even when I feel like there is no more left to give. I want to be proud of the fact that I have tried to reach out to those who are in pain, alone, and helpless. I want to be proud of living a life where I was able to give my all, especially to those who need it. I want to live a life that seeks to give, expecting nothing in return.

I hope my daily words, thoughts, and actions will help me achieve that – to be a life-giving stream, no matter the situation.

 

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Musings

The Case of the Average

I was listening to a talk during the weekend when it was mentioned that one should do something (I cannot remember which part of the talk this is) for him/ her to reach his/her best self. The reason I did not remember what that something was because my mind got stuck with the idea of developing into our best selves.

I had this seemingly dumb question looming over my head – one can never go wrong with trying to achieve the best, but why? Why do I need to develop into my best version? Is not my current version enough?

I am happy. I am contented. I seem to have everything I need. Why do I need to go beyond the good and the better version of me?

Is good enough not good enough? And like the detail maniac that I am, I racked my brain with reasons why:

  1. Because why settle?
  2. Because I hate wastage. I am already putting in time, effort, and resources. Why waste the effort by only giving it your good?
  3. Because good is only a step away from bad, actually
  4. Because honestly, I’d rather die trying than die with my what-ifs

I’ve learned that really, there’s nothing wrong with the average, but there is nothing exceptional about it, though. Why do we tend to choose the average, then?

  1. It’s easy.
  2. Giving it your best can be tiring. But would giving it your good enough make it less tiring?
  3. We sometimes feel like we have no choice. We do not have enough to go beyond the good enough. We choose what is presented to us, thinking that there is nothing beyond the box we confine ourselves into.
  4. I can just be plain lazy.

They say you need to start with the end in mind. And if I do think of the end, I think of the absolute end of my existence. When I die, whether I die at 30, or whether I reach 90, there is a longer time I want to secure – eternity.

If doing my best and reaching my best self is one way of securing my eternity in heaven, would I then not risk it all? Yes, average is good; but eternity does not recognize the average. The choice is yours.

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Musings Settling in NZ Uncategorized

Welcome 2019!

2019 New year greeting card with fireworks. Minimalist style, geometric thin outline. Vector, eps.10

“…yet in the midst of the chaos, God said, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ Indeed, He is.

Even if I don’t feel it, even if I don’t see it.

I have cried over this several times, asking God to take this cup away from me. I went here with a leap of faith, never fully understanding that it can take a longer time before I fully land my feet on flat ground.

Be still. God will move. God has moved. He paved the way ahead of me, even if I haven’t seen it yet.

I am terribly bad at waiting but this time, I have to be perfectly still and wait for my Saviour who has the best intents for me. I will not whine nor grumble.

I will be still, just as He commanded me.”

This was one of my reflections 2 years ago. We were 2 months in New Zealand and it was a time of complete uncertainty for Howell and I. We just arrived, jobless, and were not even sure of my visa so I can stay in the country.

A month after, Howell got his job, and we moved into our home where we still reside today.

Time flies. It is now 2019.

That was a tough year for us and 2018 was a bittersweet one. Howell was promoted twice, moved into another wonderful company. We found new friends and lost old ones.

I got into a major vehicular accident, had bouts of depression because of the accident, dealt with major health issues because I was in pain for 3 straight months after the accident. After which, it led me to go back to my first love – writing and arts. It was also the year I launched my online shop.

I began to accept that our decision to go here would mean I will be apart from the people I loved the most. We’ve traveled parts of New Zealand and visited the Philippines. We’ve made huge milestones in 2018 and we lost huge parts of our hearts too – some, we know, left a permanent void in our lives.

In all things that happened, God has been faithful. Every pain has its own joys and triumphs.  Every setback has presented us with greater opportunities. Every void was a chance to fill our lives with wonderful surprises.

I know 2019 will present more to me and Howell. May it be good or bad, I know that the Lord will continue to be faithful.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. – Jeremiah 29:11

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The Myth that is Preparedness

A few days ago, I saw a video on Facebook which talks about time and how not to waste it, basically. I find these videos a cliche sometimes but then this one made sense. It kind of made me look at some areas of my life that I have not been dealing with. Below is a copy of the video if you want to see it for yourself.

I took several steps to fix my schedule and put a structure to it, somehow, but that is altogether a separate topic.

What I’m driving at is that after I took a good look at my schedule and how I am using my time, I saw that I have been spending it on the things that I love doing, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I haven’t focused on doing the things I need to do to achieve what I want. For most people, doing things that they love and doing things to achieve something they want is almost the same thing, but for me, it isn’t.

To contextualize this confusing concept, when I refer to the things that I love, these are my hobbies–swimming, painting, reading, etc. The things that I want to achieve or want to have are: several businesses, good health (yes, it’s something I am working to achieve now!), eetc.

I saw that I have been postponing the concrete things I should do for me to achieve my goals (one specific goal that I am referring to is a business venture that I have been planning for 2 straight years now) because I want things to be perfect. I want to be fully ready before I do anything for fear that I may fail if I were not perfect or ready enough. Two straight years was not long enough for me to be ready, according to my irrational fears.

It was until Howell offered to do ALL the chores at home for this month just for me to have “time” to focus on this business, which was pretty ironic because he works Mondays till Fridays while I work Wednesdays till Fridays. I guess he knows me too much to know that if he gives me all the time in the world, I might eventually get tired of focusing solely on my hobbies. That’s kind of what happened.

So this week, I finally decided to take that step. A few months back, I already secured my supplier for the items I wanted to sell in my shop. I’ve also been paying for a website of my own for 4 months but because of my fear that I wasn’t ready enough, I totally abandoned doing anything to actually push through with my lofty business idea. Due to my indecision, the supplier I secured ditched me already so I had to frantically search for another supplier who should be reliable enough not to leave me. Thank God, I did found one a day after I found out about the other supplier.

When you look closely at your fears, you’ll often see that fears are just a manifestation of something deeper. For me, I do leave things hanging for fear of not finding a next purposeful goal after I have achieved it. Sometimes, I am too fearful that achieving this specific goal may tie me to a spot where I cannot leave. At times, I fear that I am missing out on something better that may still be out there and so I hold off moving as long as I can. Until I’m ready. Until every area of my circumstances are perfect.

Now, I am totally devoted to this cause, in spite of the fear. Why? Because if I wouldn’t take the first step, nothing will actually happen. What changed? The idea that no matter how wonderful and perfect my ideas are, if I do not do anything to achieve it, it will remain as, well, ideas, however perfect they may be. Ideas are good but without action, they serve no purpose.

At the end of my life, how would I account for how I lived? Like every gift given to me, I’d like to use it to the fullest and make something beautiful, something bigger than myself, out of the little or much that I have been given. There is no better time to move but today, now, at this very moment. Being prepared is good, but being fully prepared is a myth. If it makes sense and if it is something that the Lord wants me to pursue, then I’ll take a leap of faith, hoping against hope that what little I have may bear fruit and bless others.

Featured photo from http://passionforfreshideas.com/personalgrowth/leap-of-faith-jessica-mcgregor-johnson/

 

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Entrusting the Fine Details

As I shared in my last blog post, Howell and I are doing leaps here. There are heaps of blessings and fulfilled promises coming our way. One of our recent leaps is a life-changing deal we made with another person. I cannot begin to describe the scale of it. Just a disclaimer, this is not a shady business deal and it is totally legal.

One description I can give is that this deal will accelerate our plans. The time it will take to achieve the things we hoped for will significantly be reduced. It sounded too good to be true but it’s no easy task and so we knew that we needed to work really hard for it. And with all high-return decisions, come high risks.

We knew that we will be trying to achieve lofty goals and we knew the type of effort and the risks needed for these to come into fruition. However, we are secure that these risks we are taking are well worth it basically because we know the person we are dealing with. This person is trustworthy and committed. We knew that he knows the highs and lows of what we are trying to do. Some of the details, we will build as we go along but we know that he is capable and together, these goals are achievable.

I was awed by the kind of trust we gave to this person. In the same way, I have come to realize that if we know that the one we are dealing with is trustworthy, we can trust fully without any hesitations. If we both can trust this human being, why can’t I entrust the entirety of my life to an all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God? It is, admittedly, a weakness of mine. I am a worrier, a control-freak. I like planning things to the detail. With this concrete experience of saying yes to someone we deem trustworthy, I know that we both will learn. We know that if we get to know more of this God like we knew this person we were dealing with, there will be no reason for anxiety. We can entrust our lives fully, we can entrust even the finer details of our lives.

Proverbs 3:1-6

Do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments. For length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you.
Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

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The Year After

We arrived in New Zealand on 29 December 2016. We had high hopes of the future, given that we are confident that we have prayed for this decision, planned and plotted timelines tediously, and that we are certain of the support Howell’s family has generously committed.

Several bittersweet things happened in between. I named my blog post for today as The Year After, mainly because around the same time last year, we feel our life in New Zealand has finally started. This post is about recalling our leaps from last year and some of the many things we are grateful for.

Work

Both Howell and I were both blessed with good jobs here. Coming here, we were prepared to take on any role, irregardless of its relevance to our past work experiences. All we knew is that we were to earn dollars, and we’re pretty much content with that.

We’ve had our fair share of disappointments applying for a job. We both applied for entry-level jobs here that we were confident we can do but there would be close to a hundred (I kid you not, I think I did apply for 100+ jobs) letters saying that we were not qualified and that other high caliber applicants applied for the job. Apart from the rejection, it was ridiculously painful to receive messages like those.

We were ready to start from the bottom and move our way up but the Lord, in His generosity, had better plans for us. Howell was the first one to find a job. He was hired as a Graduate Engineer, with the main responsibility of doing reports for an insurance company which dealt with Earthquake damage claims from the 14th November 2016 earthquake event (i.e. Kaikoura earthquake). A few months into his work, he was given design jobs and a year after, he is already one of the Intermediate Engineers in his company, doing design work, account management, and client liaisons.

I, on the other hand, found a job as a Marketing Manager in one of New Zealand’s wonderful wildlife reserves. The role, the company itself, my workmates, and the environment, fit well with my needs and wants. I could not have wanted a better job for myself.

It is amazing how we were restored specifically in this area of our life. Work was one of our anxieties then. We had to pray for humility to accept whatever job the Lord grants us. We had to prepare for whatever opportunity may open for us.

Home

If I could remember it right, we transferred to our flat around April. We lived for 3 months with my in-laws. Our relationship with them isn’t perfect but I am proud to tell the world that I have learned to love them as my own and they love me the same. However, no matter how good our relationship with them is, we still had to stand on our own and build our own family, thus the decision to rent a home of our own.

Transferring home has been one of my concrete experiences of God’s generosity through the people around us. Most of our furniture and appliances, even our cutlery, came from my in-laws and from members of the Lamb of God community. Salvation Army and the Trash Palace has been one of the most helpful places we’ve been when we were starting. Little by little, we are able to build something that we can call ours. It is a joy to experience this with Howell.

Community Life

Community life has a completely different meaning here in New Zealand so I’d have to put a bit of context. When I say community life, I am referring to my prayer group here in New Zealand, the Lamb of God community. It is different from communal living, which some religious groups do.

We started as observers for almost a year. We adjusted to the way they did things, tried to learn their patterns, and basically established relationships with all of the other members. Today, we are happily serving the community’s youth. Bigger things are laid out and we are praying that someday, all these will bear fruit.

Quality of Life

One thing that has greatly improved is the quality of our life. We have quite a number of responsibilities here but the way New Zealand’s overall systems work is that it allows you to have work-life balance. You are encouraged, and in fact, supported, even by your employers, to pursue your passions.

We both are able to exercise regularly, eat healthy meals, and do our individual interests.

Howell is actively playing his most loved sport, ultimate frisbee. He will be playing at Nationals in 2 weeks. That’s a huge leap he would not have experienced back in our home county. He is also able to play music (drums and guitar) in our community events, something that he always wanted to do even back home.

Meanwhile, I get to regularly swim because there are heaps of swimming pools here. I get to read at least one book a week because the library is a few blocks from our home and they have good choices of books. It’s worth noting that Howell was also able to get interested in reading books simply because of the e-book app that the library has. I also am able to get back to my love for arts–calligraphy, painting, photography. One thing I am not able to do now is practice piano but we’ll get there.

Gazing Forward

Last year was a leap of faith for us. We had to trust that God delivers what He promises to do. It was an unbelievably eventful year for us. We are proud to be settling nicely here, with the help of our family and friends. We never would have imagined to be where we are now a year ago. We are humbled by all your kindness and generosity to us, especially in our time of need.

Today, we are gazing forward. We are praying for a child soon, but we are not rushing into anything. We know that that child will come in God’s time. We will continue to prepare and to look ahead as we’ve only just begun. We are continuously setting our sights on all of God’s other promises to us but for now, we live fully in the here and now.

If there is only one thing that I can describe our past year, it’s that it started with a leap of faith that led us to other leaps we never would have dreamed of. Trust that once the Lord has spoken, no matter the circumstance, He will deliver.

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Turning 29

My 29th birthday celebration yesterday was unlike no other. There was no fancy celebration, nothing huge like my previous birthdays when I used to meet with my friends. It was a simple and quiet celebration.

We have planned on going for a road trip but sometimes things just wouldn’t go our way. There was a huge change of plan for several reasons I’d rather not elaborate.

I started my day with a fun event with the Lamb of God youth, followed by a “shopping spree” in Wellington City, and a movie in the evening. I was so psyched with the shopping spree part because it was the first time in years that I was able to buy gadgets for myself. Howell bought a phone (this purchase wasn’t planned since my phone broke down a day just before my birthday, coincidentally) and a DSLR camera (since I wanted to dabble with photography).

My sister called me at midnight, just in time for my birthday. I was able to chat with her and my mom for a bit so it made my celebration so much special.

Another wonderful thing that happened is that my residency visa was approved! It was one of my biggest anxieties the past year, given the immigration changes here so it is such a blessing that this news came in. That will altogether be a different post, for those looking at migrating here.

It’s so surprising that even in this simplest celebration, everything that happened yesterday seemed so meaningful. I am in the process of restoration. All the things I have never thought would happen, happened.

As a friend quoted to me recently, it seemed that the lines have fallen for me in pleasant places. I am convinced that these things happening in my life is a fulfillment of God’s promises He made years past. The Lord is restoring the years stolen from me by the responsibilities I had to take on at an early age. I am now capable of exploring things that I have wanted to do in my younger years, such as swimming, writing, and several artsy things. I have so much time in my hands that I can use to develop and use my talents more.

At 29, I certainly do not feel young, but my heart is as young as it can get because of my hunger for new discoveries and the new opportunities life opened up for me. For these, I am grateful.

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A Tribute to Gallantry

gallantry

NOUN (plural gallantries)

mass noun

1 Courageous behaviour, especially in battle.

‘a medal awarded for outstanding gallantry during the raid’

2 Polite attention or respect given by men to women.

‘no young man offers to carry this burden for her: such gallantry is out of fashion’

 

As I mentioned previously, swimming is one of the things I consistently do. I usually go to this specific pool once to twice a week so I am pretty familiar with it and with the guidelines they have put to those who will be using the pools.

My visit today was the most annoying visit I had. I was quietly doing laps in one of the lanes when a group of four, late twenties, early thirties, rowdy guys, (calling them men would be a disgrace to all the men I know) arrived.

There were four swimming lanes, all of which were occupied. Of all lanes they could go in to, they chose mine. I never had issues with sharing lanes here since most people I come across are polite and good swimmers and so I didn’t pay much attention to them though I found it rather odd that all four of them chose to swim in my lane.

It was until I came to the end of the lane and I already had to deal with them so I asked them politely if they will be swimming so that I can give way. Their answer wasn’t in English and I was assuming they’d just want me to go ahead since they weren’t moving at all. They were just splashing and fooling around in a lap pool where everyone is expected to, well, do laps. It was already annoying since it is part of the guidelines clearly written out for all visitors to read that if you are not swimming in laps, then you shouldn’t be hanging around in that pool.

It wasn’t until I bumped into one of them, who was in the middle of the pool, in the side of my lane, floating, that I sensed what was happening. Yep, they were ganging up on me. It kept on for a few minutes until I knew that I already had to speak up. I was already supposed to go to one of the lifeguards to inform them of what was happening when a man swam closely behind me, making me feel relieved and safe from these guys. I did not know who he was until I took a short break on the other end of the lane. It was my husband!!! When I looked to the other side of the pool, the four rowdy guys were gone.

Just to put a context to it, Howell did not want to swim because he had a training for ultimate frisbee later that day so he was kind of reserving his energy and opted to go to the spa instead of swimming.

I love the presence of my husband but these was one of those standout moments that I am joyful that he is with me. It really felt like he was a hero! I asked him if he knew what was happening when he came to the pool and he said that he saw one of the lifeguards talking to the guys and when he looked, these guys were in my lane so he came to my aid promptly because I may be in trouble.

What contrast it was! Here is a man who almost instantaneously went to protect a woman from guys who would instantly jump to disrespect whoever they’d want to. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a damsel-in-distress awaiting for a knight as I was already on my way to do something to protect myself from these guys but here was a man who came through for me.

There still are gallant men these days. Some men will give you attention, but be very discerning of the attention they give. Some will only seek to take advantage, especially in times you are weak.

How do you know a gallant man? These men rise to the occasion. They are courageous in pursuing things that are of worth–principles, faith, respect, responsibility, accountability. They will treat you as equals but they will come through for you when the going gets tough.

To all the gallant men out there, the world is a better place with you in it. Continue to be courageous because our world needs men like you, most especially these days. The world needs men who will be brave and be brave enough to pursue the right things.

To the first gallant man I have ever loved, Dad, thank you for showing me that there still are good men, that there are things and people worth waiting for. And to my most gallant man, thank you for standing up for me even though you knew so well that I am capable of standing up for myself.