We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.
Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!
It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.
I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.
Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.
Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…
Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…
People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.
However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.
I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.
…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.
It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.
But God knows how to meet me where I am…
I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.
The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.
My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!
Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.
This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.
One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.
I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.
He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.
In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…
I have a pattern in my creative life where I am extremely productive and highly creative, then get to a dormant season where even though I continue creating, I do get a bit unproductive and then head to a phase where to reignite my creativity, I learn something new, and then head on to a new project reenergised and in full blast.
I am so close to the new project phase now but my dormant phase has been very interesting.
In my last dormant phase, I learnt how to make sourdough and have been making it since. We rarely buy store-bought bread now.
This time, I learnt two things: sumi-e ink painting and gardening.
Sumi-e Ink Painting
With the sumi-e ink, I was guided by a book I purchased ages ago. It’s called The Art of Sumi-E by Naomi Okamoto. I liked it because the method of learning is by copying the paintings presented in the book. I didn’t have to think hard and create when my creative juices were running dry. I just had to learn by copying.
The three things I loved were:
You get to create complete artworks with a few strokes. It works well with the way I work.
It is meditative. Since every stroke matters, I was able to be present while creating. My mind wasn’t racing to be elsewhere while I was doing it.
The paintings do not need grounding. It uses negative space to suggest a background to each painting. I love it because backgrounds are honestly my weakness. I hyper-focus on a subject, and rarely do I think about backgrounds when completing a painting.
Below are some of my favourites.
For a few months, I have only been doing these exercises, and it got me prepared to dive back in to my own practice again.
Gardening
The other thing I have learnt is gardening. People close to me know how awful I am with gardening. Even the hardiest plants wilt in my care. I’m unsure why I gave it another chance this time.
To soften the blow, I started planting herbs from seeds. This way, the initial expenses are not that much and I can just plant the seeds I have over and over until I get it right.
When my spring onions, chives, and mini leeks grew, I became bolder, and I tried to grow napa cabbage and tomatoes—both seeds randomly chosen by my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this to start with. I cannot remember why he encouraged me, but he might have some regrets now that we have a full-blown vege garden in our backyard.
At the time of writing, we now have a herb garden, a mandarin shrub, and a kalanchoe on our deck. In our backyard, we have a lemon tree, 2 avocado trees, coffee tree, lavender, tomatoes, kangkong, kumara, garlic, onion, ginger, spinach, lettuce, blueberries, strawberries, snake beans, and eggplant, which are all on raised beds and pots. I am awaiting about 15 more seedlings for planting in autumn and I plan to set up an apple and feijoa tree in winter and olive and fig tree in the summer.
Plants on Deck
Backyard
Being the kind of person I am, the drive to plant edibles is strong because I like seeing actual fruits (or vegetables) with my efforts. I have nothing against people who grow ornamental plants, but being the person I am, there is just less drive for me to go for “aesthetics”, as seen in my current garden setup. Today, I saw two blueberries on my plant, and what joy to see it!
There were some mistakes that were just straight-out hilarious. The first batch of tomatoes I’ve grown wilted after a few consecutive days of rain, so when another type of plant sprung to replace it, I felt hopeful! Little did I know that I was nurturing…. weeds!!! Of course, my thoughtful husband did not fail to “document” it.
I have a vision for both our front and backyard, but I didn’t realise how expensive this endeavour can be! I decided to use raised garden beds and pots because the weeds on our property are a pain, and we haven’t got it in control yet. I wanted to give my plants some fighting chance by creating a more controlled environment for them. For now, I will build on my garden one step at a time., but this have proven to be a very therapeutic activity for me.
These days, I have been enjoying activities that slow me down. I am amazed at how much more aware I become when I slow down. I get to appreciate my surroundings and find blessings in even the most mundane things more.
What’s more amazing is how this one hobby has got everyone in our family involved. Howell would be as excited as I am to see new leaves or sprouts each day. Rapha helps me water the plants. He has his own watering can and garden gloves, too. He would often encourage each plant by saying, “grow, kangkong, grow!” or “give us heaps of fruits, mandarin!”. And Milo being Milo would snack on the sheep pellets and mulch. He will usually “guard” me while doing gardening, following me around wherever I go.
I am excited with what these new experiences will bring. I’m looking forward to sketching the flowers and leaves in my garden. I am buzzing with ideas these days. Life is good and I am ready to jump into creating my own art again soon!
I love my sketches for Days 4 and 5. I’m trying out lines and how they can be applied to express effects I want done. I loved how cosy my dog looked in my Day 5 sketch.
Days 2 and 3 drawings – I had fun adding in the bubbles on Rapha’s bottle. The plate drawing was a bit tight for my liking. So excited for what I can get done in the coming days!
Many of our family’s milestones since we arrived in New Zealand usually happen over the spring season. Someone once told me that spring always brings new life. I did not understand it then, but as the years went by, I eventually understood. Animals are born in spring. New leaves bud in spring. Signs of new beginnings are made more visible in spring.
This gets me excited for this specific season as it comes each year. This year, though, I wasn’t expecting a lot because I felt like I had everything I wanted and needed. Little did I know that one of my recent prayer intentions and persistent worries will come to an end as spring season starts! Rapha is finally offered a spot in kindy!!! An amazing answered prayer!
We were initially contacted by the kindy for a visit because Rapha was nearing the top of their waitlist. We set a date for the visit and went. During our visit, Rapha, once we were on the premises, let go of my hand and dove right in with the other kids to play. I couldn’t peel him off the place once I was done with the visit. One of the teachers and some of the kids had to help me so we could end our visit that day. I knew at that moment, he’s ready for this next adventure.
Once we got home, we immediately received an offer of a spot at that kindy for next term. We were offered a three-day week to start, which was exactly what we wanted. God is good! Another thing crossed off my ticklist!
I am now in the process of preparing things that Rapha will need… and of course, planning what to do with all that free time! I have a wishlist of things I want done, but I will need to manage the time and my expectations at the same time. At the top of my list is my art practice and my swimming sessions—it’s all so exciting! This is such a welcomed spring surprise!
As I picture Rapha being dropped off on his first day, I know he will be fine. I am confident of his growing independence. It won’t be him who cries, I’m 100% sure!
With hopeful expectations, I came into motherhood thinking that, by my sheer willpower, nothing will change with my art practice. In my heart of hearts, I even thought I would nail all my roles with flying colours because I am soooooo good at juggling several things at a time.
Two years in, in full humility, I admit that I DID NOT nail all my roles. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I still put in the effort. I would say I do have an art practice. I make something almost everyday. I squeeze art in every single opportunity I get. However, things are not turning out the way I envisioned them to be. I still am not earning from art, not winning any awards, not qualifying for any of the known art shows here in NZ. Maybe it’s the economy, maybe it’s the market saturation of artists these days, or maybe now isn’t just my time yet—whatever the reason, I am not where I thought I’d be a couple years ago.
I am not in despair, though. I have readjusted my expectations of how my current world works. I am focusing on the things I can control.
First item I had to adjust my expectations for was childcare. I thought that when Rapha turns two, all I had to do was to decide to send him to kindy and as long as I was on a waitlist, all will be well. However, all is not well. Kindys are full. Rapha is on the 21st on the waitlist of the kindy which is a couple minutes’ walk from our place. He was on the waitlist since he was one year old. Even the ones which are a 5-10 minute drive ones are unavailable. I was on a limbo for a couple months until I decided I’ll just wait for the kindy near our place and if it never happens, then he’ll stay with me at home and we’ll find ways to make things work.
Second item is my expectation of earning from my art. It has always been the goal even when I didn’t even know what I was specifically selling. These days, I am focused on building a body of work I can stand behind. I do have a good number of artworks now, but I am not happy with them going out into the world yet, so I had to step back and aim to have an established process first and a body of work that I would be proud to show. In saying that, what I do these days is join group exhibits because it takes less work and still gives me an avenue to show some of my work.
With balancing the needs of a child and my art practice, I finally accepted that it is virtually impossible to do both at the same time. Case in point: this is my 5th attempt in 2 weeks to complete this blog entry. I just do not have enough hands for it, so instead of squeezing art during the day, I do it while he naps and once he sleeps at night. The need to watch over him to keep him alive is much more necessary these days because he’s a terrible two indeed.
The future is bright, though, because I have found ways to keep him busy these days. He has different sets of toys, art materials, and musical instruments he can explore during the day. All I need is to make it enjoyable enough for him to explore them independently.
This is all a phase, and until things free up more, I will stay here and enjoy the ride.
With my art, I love working with limitations, mainly because it grounds me. Limitations help me with art by shifting focus on a number of items and working creatively around them. Though it is useful for my art practice, I do not find limitations in my actual life fun.
As a mum to a very active toddler, I deal with several limitations myself:
Limited Time
These days, I manage to squeeze in more time for art, baking, and cooking. Rapha is more independent with play and exploration. Yet, I still do not have the luxury of long blocks of time as I had pre-motherhood. So what do I do? Adjust. I make quick acrylic paintings because acrylic paint dries easily. I do watercolour paintings because drying of paint on paper takes time and I can always go back to my paints without the fear of them drying out. I do the more intricate drawings at night when my child is fast asleep.
Limited Space
I love painting on canvas and I have a couple of stretcher bars waiting to be used but I do not have enough space to store big canvases at the moment so I chose to work with paper and thin boards right now. I have outgrown my studio space (aka my spare room in the house and a portion of my living room) so while I wait for my studio to be built, I will make art that my studio allows. I dream of doing bigger and freer forms of art but my current space cannot accommodate it but instead of going big, I will go deeper into my practice.
Limited Finances
It is a mutual decision of me and my husband to go single income while our child is in his developing years. We are blessed for him to have a stable job that can provide for us. We live comfortably, but we do not have a lot of surplus. These days, I am learning to use up the supplies and materials I have accumulated during the years when we had a lot of extras (being DINKs for about full four years when we moved to NZ).
We live frugally and save where we can so we can allot money for us to continue with this lifestyle. I am currently not selling my paintings because I do not have time to market them and make a full blown business off of it but I gift them to people who appreciate my art.
As a family, we have things we still pursue. As an individual, I am still holding on to my vision and my dreams and though I am faced with several limitations, I won’t stop moving. My steps may be really really tiny these days but they are steps nevertheless.
I am pretty stretched in this season of my life but every time I see how my son is developing, I remember why we have decided to do this in the first place. He is learning, growing, and thriving and I love that I can contribute to the best start he could ever have as a young person.
I believe that every season is its appointed time and I am soaking in everything that each season has to offer. When things start freeing up and when things are more abundant, I will look at this time with fondness and remember that though limitations are not fun, it can be an ally and spur me to growth.
The past few weeks have been really stressful to our family. There are some big ticket items that are still hanging and we’re not quite sure how to proceed. My husband had Covid and I am generally unhappy with the art I have been making.
I saw myself spiralling to old patterns – I’ve been binge shopping again, I had no interest in creating anything, and I have been doing productive but unnecessary housework. I felt no control over things but it’s good that I caught the pattern early on.
Yesterday, I decided to do a general cleaning at home. Every nooks and crannies of our home were dusted, wiped, vacuumed, or steamed. I put my hands on to something I can control and have an immediate good result. I needed to do an actual activity that will take me off my phone to avoid any temptations of online shopping and mindless scrolling. Today, our home is sparkling clean and I can feel I can breathe easier.
Early morning today, I went to the gym and completed my workout. I tidied up the kitchen when I went home and proceeded to write on this blog. I feel so accomplished. I feel like I’ve done some self-care and I am ready to face my frustrations with a different energy this time.
Overcoming mental barriers and even mental health issues takes active participation and I am glad I have learnt my patterns and have discovered ways I can deal with the ebb and flow of my emotions as they come.
If you are in the same position as I was several weeks ago, give yourself permission to do some self-care, however it looks for you.
For me, it’s cleaning my space, writing, exercising, praying, and reflecting. Something might still happen to upset me today but I know now how to somehow chase these blues away.
The other day, I was thinking of what I am doing in general with my art practice. I’ve found that if I randomly create without any regard for the message I am putting out, my outputs seem confused and generally flat.
So I thought of identifying my overarching message that I am wanting to communicate or promote in my work. Apart from my identity as an artist mum, I am in the business of breaking chains.
Whether it be in the artworks or in the process of art-making, I am about breaking chains – of neglect, hurts, disappointments, brokenness.
At the time I wrote about this in my journal, my son was wanting to be carried, just because he wants to. I would normally be so annoyed because of the interruption but I welcomed it and wrote what I needed to in phases.
It starts early. I believe that if he grows secure that he is loved and valued, he gets the best start he can get.
This was also the reason why I chose to concentrate on certain mediums and processes that can accommodate these “interruptions” during the day. There’s an overflow of my home studio in every parts of the home so I can still easily get on the creative task when I have the time.
It’s such a sacrifice but the chains I’ve had has impacted me all my life and it’s the least part of my life I want to hand over to my son. Even these blogs are not too cohesive lately because I end it not when I want to but when I need to.
I hope that whatever I am doing in this area of breaking chains may inspire others and hopefully, inspire other parents/ families as well. A loving, healthy, kind, and generous society starts with a loving, healthy, kind, and generous home.
HandsVentures NZ 