When asked during job interviews about my weakness, I’d always answer perfectionism – something HR professionals would tell you not to do. It sounds too pretentious. Still, this would be my consistent answer.
My perfectionism has crippled me in the different stages of my life. It happens often when I want something so much I want everything to be perfect but it ends up my perfectionism becoming a roadblock because I won’t start anything unless I know all variables are controlled and that I have all sorts of information I think I need.
So yes, perfectionism is my weakness.
I have found, this time while preparing for my exhibit, that there is some sort of cure to perfectionism. The lack of resources and my sheer desire for this exhibit to happen has pushed all my perfectionism tendencies to the side.
In the past, I worked as a marketing professional for companies with marketing budgets, which I currently do not have much of. I had to think of the most cost-effective ways of marketing this event. I had to think of creative ways to spread the word about my upcoming exhibit. There was not enough room for perfectionism because things just had to be done. I have 2 months to complete all the preparations and marketing for the event. And with limited resources, financially and time-wise, some of my usual standards have to be let go.
So maybe limiting the resources and variables when doing a project is helpful. Making things simpler is helpful for recovering perfectionists like me.
Since this is my first time doing this in an industry totally unfamiliar to me, I know I definitely will make mistakes and that’s okay. I do not know what I do not know yet. This will be a learning experience for me and maybe for my next one, things will be better – better, not perfect.
“Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makararating sa paroroonan.”
He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.
I had a conversation with one of my closest friends on my birthday. We talked about what’s been happening in our lives, the usual updates. She’s one of my closest friends whom I’ve known since my university days. She’s now moved to Canada while I’m here in New Zealand.
One of the things I mentioned to her was the exhibit I’m preparing for and how anxious I was over it. She then said who would have thought that I’d be able to do an exhibit, let alone in New Zealand! We both graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology so it was something we never would have imagined doing.
We then moved on to talking about being so privileged to be in the countries we are in now. In context, we both experienced hardships, especially during our university days because of our financial capacities at the time so moving to another country to live and work the way we do now was unimaginable.
This conversation prompted me to look back and think of all my answered prayers…
I once prayed for a God-fearing husband who will pursue big dreams with me
I once prayed for a joyful family
I once prayed for a purposeful life
I once prayed for a home of our own
I once prayed for an opportunity to pursue my passions
…and all these prayers have been answered. Some, I had to wait for quite a number of years, but still… We have come a long way and now is not the time to fear.
It was wonderful to look back. It kept me grounded and at the same time gives me hope that I have a faithful and generous God who keeps His promises. What a privilege to be pursuing dreams!
For 2023, I have set certain goals that are non-negotiable. I have done the initial work in 2022 and would just need to follow through the plan. One of the things I set out to do this year is to go out and show my work, in every way possible.
The first bold goal is to start with a solo show and this is how it’s going so far.
*Body of work is complete, just adding some personal touches to it
*Since body of work was finished December last year, I have no venue whatsoever for the show but I wanted to do one nearer Mother’s day because that’s what the work’s message revolves upon
*Most of the spaces available are taken for May so I’m exhausting every possible resource I have to find a venue that might still be available
Now here’s the thing. I’ve been in marketing for quite a while before I had my baby so I know how much work needs to be done. Doesn’t matter, though, because I know how to market it.
The thing is, the things I used to market were things/ experiences I firmly believe in and as an emerging artist, I have doubts and heaps of them! I have doubts about the product I am selling, of all things! Now I’m staring fear in the eye and I’ve been having conversations with it – sometimes I win, and oftentimes, I cave in.
What’ll happen next, then? I don’t really know.
What I know is this: I’ve never wanted anything this bad I’m willing to get rejected and/or judged because of it. I want to be an artist and I know I can do so much more if only I was brave enough to barrel through these roadblocks.
It’s not even been a week, 2023. Good thing my son has been teaching me perseverance so it doesn’t matter if I fail. I will try again and I will learn. Over. And over. And over.
So what’s for 2023? Exciting things! Scary things! Bold things! Faith-challenging things! Ready or not, here they come!
These days, I’ve been organising my emails on my phone during idle times of the day when I’m just looking after Rapha while he’s playing.
Why am I doing this and why am I doing this the long way?
*To have a bigger view of what has happened in the past years. These were years where we experienced milestone upon milestone and it’s good to look back on what we did right, even if that means seeing things and messages that remind me of the ugly parts of these years.
*Building the habit of purging and simplifying things. As a new mum, direct, simple, doable tasks are recommended. I am honestly baffled by my wonderful skill of complicating simple things. I am slowly learning what simple looks like because of this process. Having a clean break helps me propel myself toward the things I wanted to pursue instead of getting lost in all the noise the other messages provide me.
Here were some of my insights as I went through this exercise:
1. If only I took the time to process things as they come, it wouldn’t blow up to 6k emails. To be fair with me, these were years when I had depression. I couldn’t even bring myself to wake up, let alone clean out my emails. Still, doing little bits consistently is extremely helpful.
2. I missed out on good reading materials which were only relevant for a certain time.
3. I missed out on initiatives I started but wasn’.t able to follow through because my inbox was too crowded. It’s not too late, though. Some of those items are still worth going back to.
4. Rubbish taking space in my inbox. Unnecessary information and even emails from people I’d rather not deal with anymore were still there. Now I can finally, officially, digitally say adios!
5. On the flip side, missing out on responding to people who matter, because their messages were again buried in the pile of rubbish that is my inbox
6. Greater appreciation that things come and go. When you read on your history through your emails, you see the different phases of your life in a more zoomed-out view. You can map out the high and low moments you had. I’ve learnt the value of cherishing the beauty of each season. And if you’re in a bad season, know that they change and there is hope for a more beautiful one.
All those insights from weeding out my emails. Whew! Learn from some of my mistakes and organise yours now hehehe!
I heard a lecture before that ancient civilisations were formed and thrived using ideas – ideas that people shared amongst themselves. I never got my head around that concept but it’s starting to make sense to me now.
Time and again I have found that good conversations have a great impact on me. Some conversations benefit you by being comforted from a painful thing you’re going through. Some can be consoling because you get to feel heard and seen and understood. Some bring clarity.
That’s exactly the one I experienced after speaking with my husband the other night.
I was having a lot of anxiety over the idea of “starting again” by trying to establish an art career. I know that starting things from scratch can especially feel daunting but I have not been able to put my finger on the exact triggers of my anxieties until I had this conversation with my husband.
We were able to pinpoint my very valid and logical reasons, which is a good topic for another day, but the point is that by digging deeper through a free flow of ideas flushed out a good deal of information I can use to move forward.
Together, we found solutions to seemingly huge issues, which are apparently easier to deal with just a change in perspective. We’ve sifted emotions versus facts floating through my brain. We’ve figured out items we really have no control over. Thus, we’ve come to realise that some items would just boil down to acceptance – that I may fail or may be rejected, but coming to grips that this is a possibility better prepares me mentally and emotionally to learn from some experiences and move on. Coming up with actual, doable solutions have also helped me get out of my paralysis and return to taking baby steps again.
All these we got from a 2-hour conversation.
Sharing ideas through conversing can indeed build civilisations. It is powerful because what our brains consume, it processes. Whatever information we process, we can choose to act on it or leave it.
Either way, it affects us.
And conversations could either be good or bad. Therefore, it is good to choose good conversations and trusted confidantes to share with because bad ones can affect you as powerfully.
Who knows, your next big thing may just be right around the corner, waiting to be uncovered by a single conversation?
So if you have time today, maybe you can try to engage in a conversation over a hot cuppa with a trusted friend or partner or parent, or sibling – see what power your next conversation may bring.
I couldn’t remember the context now but as Howell and I were driving a few weeks ago, we went down memory lane and talked about the friendships we had when we were back in the Philippines.
There were so much simple yet precious moments we had then. We were talking about how easy it was to just call on our friends to come over whenever we wanted to and how having friends then were something that came naturally for me.
We remembered how at one point, our friends and I dreamt of living next to each other or maybe having a holiday home together.
I vividly remembered I think it was the last Valentine’s Day we spent with them. Howell and I were already married during this time. We just wanted to hang out with them so we invited them for a barbecue at home. It was funny because we didn’t even have a proper barbecue equipment but we made do with a DIY one. We had BBQ and I remember jamming with them under the stars while one of us played the guitar. It was simple. It was wonderful.
I kept in touch with them when we left for New Zealand but distance separates. We communicated less and eventually, naturally, chose divergent paths. Four of them are married now, including my sister. I still get to chat with some of them once in a while and I see updates of how they are on social media but that’s about it.
I did a sobfest after that conversation with Howell because I remembered how I treasured those friendships. I miss how it was, but the conclusion of our conversation was that I do not regret a thing. If anything, I am glad I got to experience a colourful life as a young person because I had them then.
They may or may not read this but if you ever do, know that I think about you guys sometimes. Nothing has replaced our adventures and misadventures. Life was simple then but I had the greatest, most memorable moments with you. I hope you are all living your lives to the fullest! Who knows, our divergent paths may cross again someday! Until then, save your stories so that we’ll have heaps to talk and laugh about…
I used to think that being organised belonged exclusively to the corporate world. When I started taking art seriously, I never bothered to organise because there is the common notion that artists are disorganised and work “freely” without any sort of pattern or routine. All these changed when I became a mum…
I can now only do art or write in short windows of time unlike the long stretches of hours I used to have when I didn’t have a child yet. I had to make certain adjustments to make this work.
Choose doable projects suitable for the way I work.. for now.
I have a pipeline of work I wanted to get done but I realised because of all the constraints I have, I should choose the most doable ones for now, just to still have a sense of satisfaction in creating. I still have a printmaking project needing to get done but it was just too detailed. I am not able to get physically close to the projects I am making because I usually have a baby in my arms so projects like those would need to be parked for now.
I can pursue the more complicated stuff in the future, when bubba is more independent thaan he is now.
Set limits on the materials you use
It’s amazing what putting limits can do. With me, once my parameters for working and the materials I am working with are set, I become freer to create. Putting limits allows me to focus on the task at hand and not be mesmerised by the possibilities all my tools and materials promise. It also gives my physical space to work because I won’t have to deal with the clutter of working with several mediums at a time.
Have tasks broken down into small chunks
This comes in handy for when baby is napping. I can just run to my workspace and get things done. It would be another layer of work if I come into my workspace not knowing exactly what needs to get done so if I already have a list of tasks just waiting to be accomplished, it’s easier to get things moving and tick things off my list.
Have your thoughts/ organisecd in one space for easy reference
I used to have several notebooks for different types of projects and/or ideas but it just isn’t practical to have those now. A visual diary which is with me ALL the time is useful so I can jot down or sketch all my ideas and find them in one place instead of combing through different notebooks/ sketchpads.
Pack away materials and equipment as soon as a project is done
So clutter does not accumulate and you’ll have plenty of space to work on your next one. I used to miss out on this task because there would “always be another day” to clean my mess but that’s just adding on to my endless list of to dos if I don’t get it done straight away.
Accept that you may not be working in the studio exclusively
My home studio used to be my exclusive working space because I hate clutter in other parts of the house but I’ve learned to accept that my whole home is my work space for now because it’s how I get more done. My painting stuff are in the living room, my sketching materials are lying on our coffee table, and I am currently writing this on our dining table. It is what it is!
Show up
Some days I find myself wanting to just lounge around but because all my materials are at arm’s length, I can quickly get something done. I haven’t done a lot that I am proud of recently, but I get things done nevertheless. It’s so tough pausing and then getting back to creating – I felt like I lost all the skills I’ve built upon in the last years because of the 4 months I was not creating. Now I’ve decided to just show up. I allot at least 4 hours broken into my day to create. It may be quick sketches or just a layer of primer on my canvas but I do it anyway. Helps me to have a continuous art practice which adds to my repertoire of skills.
Have hope that things do change
My son used to sleep on my arms for the most part of the day, now I can leave him for his day naps for at least 30 minutes to 2 hours. My way of working has changed together with the changes my son is experiencing.
In saying that, an artist mum should be flexible readjusting the way she works depending on the stage of development her child is in. I, for one, am, looking forward to the day I can start creating art with him!
My son usually sleeps through to 8AM for the past few months but he has just about changed his routine to include waking up at around 6AM to sleeping again at around 7/7:30AM through to 10AM.
What does this mean for me?
I adjust my painting/ working time based on my son’s schedule because during the day, he just won’t allow me to put him down for more than 30 minutes. I work during his wake times because I can walk around using a baby carrier.
His change in sleep routine means I am free to do anything from 7 to 10AM! What an opportunity! So today, I woke up, had breakfast with my husband, did a second coating of my primer for my new painting, and have now written a blog about this.
A year ago, I’d say you’re dreaming if you have coerced me to do even one of those things in less than an hour!
What I’ve learned, as a mum, is that you squeeze what you can when you can. Any time you have to yourself is golden. Today, I have done the things that bring me joy even before my son wakes up, and it’s exhilarating! I love being productive and it also allows me to take care of him guilt-free during the day. Accomplishing these things take my feelings of guilt for not doing the things I think I’m supposed to be doing instead of being tied down solely to taking care of my bubba.
I love taking care of him but I know that I have to fight for these “free times” for my own mental health and it does feel good to give time the value it deserves.
So whoever you are, whatever you are on to today, I hope you wake up with enthusiasm that you have one of the most valuable resources available to us: time. Use it to bring yourself joy today. Use it to be productive. Use it to make someone else happy. Whatever you do, use it! It is precious and time deserves to be given the value it deserves. Good day!
If I haven’t mentioned it enough, I am a first time mum to a now 2-month old baby.
I am currently studying for a Diploma in Creativity and I have been taking really small steps to establish a career in art while doing my studies because studying art is not really a pre-requisite for an art career. I am not fully set on the path I wish to pursue but I just keep on creating for now with the goal of forging my own path someday soon.
I used to think that having a child meant automatically abandoning this goal of mine but with encouragement from other artists and other mums, I realised it shouldn’t be the case.
Thus far, here are the things I have learned and have been helping me push through with these small steps to achieving my goal.
Be intentional
Unlike my previous process where I stay at my studio and wait for inspiration to strike, I now have a list of things and ideas I can implement when I find the small windows of time where I can work. Every opportunity is an opportunity to create so I have to be intentional on how I spend my limited time. These days, I’m fortunate enough to have an hour to spare at a time while baby is asleep because I also do chores and self-care in between.
Use the limited resources that you have
It’s a chore altogether just to get to my studio and set things up so I gathered a limited number of supplies I can easily reach and stored them in our lounge so I can easily set things to action. I found that having a limited number of supplies allows me to better focus as well. Sadly, I am not able to use any wet media, my favourite go-tos, at the moment because of how tedious it is to set it up. I am learning new ways to create because dry media isn’t something I’m used to. Here’s to learning new things!
Keep an accessible avenue to store your ideas
I used to write most of my ideas on my visual diary. However, as I’m usually on my feet, I found it easier to write my ideas on my phone instead. It is so convenient to have all my ideas in one place because I can easily jump onto any creative project and easily execute an idea.
Use the simple, mundane moments as inspiration
I used to think that only the big milestones count as my inspiration – times I see my dreams fulfilled, major life changes, anything but the present. When I gave birth, I became impatient thinking that I can only get back on track with me pursuing my dreams once my child is in school. Now, I have learned that any time I maximise is a good time.
My child’s first smile, his first round of vaccinations, his first day out, his daily naps, his interactions with our dog Milo, the times he feeds, and his moments with his dad – these are a collection of memories I can always tap on for inspiration when I need one.
Kids grow up so fast, I’ve heard plenty of mums say. I have been learning that this is only for a season – who knows, there might even come a time when I can eventually collaborate with my child in creating. Now that’s a very exciting thought!
Our son, Raphael, was born on 5th May 2022, 2:23PM, at Wellington Regional Hospital via elective C-section.
I was honestly hoping for a normal delivery for my fear of recovery after a C-section. I have heard stories of how easy the procedure was but how demanding and tedious it can be during recovery. At 32 weeks, it was explained to me that because of a high risk pregnancy, I cannot go beyond 38 weeks. Therefore, my options would be an induction or a C-section at either 37 or 38 weeks.
However, at 34 weeks, I was presented with a surprise from my dear Raphael that he flipped and that he was in a footling breech presentation. As I understood it, a vaginal delivery is still possible, but was not advisable in these cases and so I was offered either an ECV (External Cephalic Version – turning a breech baby) or an elective C-Section. I initially booked an ECV at 36 weeks but opted off it after careful discernment and discussions with fellow mums, friends, and family. There may be a reason why my bubba turned at 34 weeks and I will never know what that was but we chose not to meddle with whatever was going on in my tummy.
This, then, meant that an elective C-Section was my only option.
I was booked for a C-Section at 37 weeks and 4 days. I was given detailed instructions on how we would go about it. I did a blood test the day prior and put in a request for blood bags should I need it for the operation. I also took Omeprazole the night prior and the morning of the surgery. I was required to fast the night before the surgery and no liquids an hour before I come in the hospital.
On the day of the surgery, we arrived at around 7:20AM and was told that I was the only C-section booked for the day. However, as with any plan, some other things come up. I was bumped off twice because an emergency C-section was performed on another mum and a C-section booked the day prior was moved to the day of my surgery. I was then bumped to be the last one to have had the surgery. The only issue I had was being too thirsty, hungry, and anxious if the procedure was to push through that day or not.
Once they started preparing me, it only took a few minutes before I found myself in the theatre. I was immediately briefed on how my epidural would be done. The only time I felt pain was when the anesthesia was being injected on me – I felt sharp, stabbing pains on my spine area which lasted for a couple seconds. After which, everything from waist down went numb and the doctors were off to delivering my son. In about 10 minutes, Raphael was out. They stitched me back for about 30 minutes and then I was wheeled into the Recovery Room.
In the recovery room, they waited for my anesthesia to wear off. While waiting, they gave me an ice block, water, and a sandwich. I was so drowsy but wasn’t in any sort of pain. Once they saw my toes and my knees twitch, I was then brought to the postnatal ward. They constantly checked baby’s and my heart rate, oxygen levels, and glucose levels. It took two days for Raphael’s sugars to stabilise. On Day 2, I was supposed to be transferred to Kenepuru Hospital, one that’s nearer us, for my recovery. However, I was given the option to stay in Wellington Hospital or be discharged home instead – whichever I prefer. There wasn’t much trouble for us in choosing our options because healthcare in New Zealand is free – we just choose whatever works best for us. This was one of the things we greatly appreciated here. It would have cost us a fortune to carry and give birth to our dear one if we were in the Philippines.
Our movements were very limited in the hospital and so we chose to be discharged home instead. We invited my in-laws to our home that night so they will have an opportunity to meet baby as they were not allowed to visit the hospital due to Covid restrictions. It was great for them to have met baby and help us set up stuff that night. In the succeeding days, though, we decided it was best not to accept any visitors until I was fully recovered, which was graciously accepted by the people wanting to visit us. It was mentally and physically taxing for me to be receiving visitors as we were also trying to establish our breastfeeding routine and was waiting for my milk to come in.
I am writing this on Day 9 post partum. Milk came in at Day 4, midwife already visited us twice, my bleeding has subsided, and I am down to paracetamol for my pain relief. We took off my wound dressing already but everything is still sore. I still take things slow, walk and move very slowly. Howell took 2 weeks off work so he is currently in charge of everything house-related. We are all getting better everyday but it has been a very slow and gradual process. The adjustments are not just physical – it is mental, emotional, even spiritual.
At this point, we are just taking things one step at a time. I am personally looking forward to going on my daily walks with Howell and Milo, this time along with Raphael. I look forward to doing art again, moving freely without pain, meeting people again, this time with our first child in tow. Life is good, we couldn’t ask for more…
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