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Just Another Monday

We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.

Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!

It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.

I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.

Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.

Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…

Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…

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Musings

God Meets Us Where We Are

People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.

However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.

I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.

…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.

It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.

But God knows how to meet me where I am…

I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.

The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.

My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!

Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.

This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.

One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.

I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.

He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.

In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…

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Musings

Growing Around Grief

Image by Silvia from Pixabay

Grief doesn’t go away; you grow around it.

I came across this statement a couple of years ago while processing my grief around the loss of my dad, and it has stuck with me since.

Last week was my dad’s 18th death anniversary, and I couldn’t help but remember the statement above. I still remember everything as if it happened just yesterday. That day, I prayed and opened my Bible as I waited for news about my dad while my mother and my sister rushed him to the hospital.

It had already been a tough time for us back then and my dad’s passing, I felt, was an unnecessary blow to my family. As I read my Bible that day, this reading from Psalms stood out to me:

Psalm 126

1 When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
    we were like those who dreamed.
2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,
    our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
    “The Lord has done great things for them.”
3 The Lord has done great things for us,
    and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, Lord,
    like streams in the Negev.
5 Those who sow with tears
    will reap with songs of joy.
6 Those who go out weeping,
    carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
    carrying sheaves with them.

In one of my darkest moments, God has promised me good things. He promised me joy. It’s only in hindsight that I see God has been good to us even in the worst of times.

I told my sister that this year marks the amount of time I had with my dad was the same amount of time I have spent without him. Truly, I have grown around grief. There have been so many trials, joys, sadness, and victories I have had since he passed, and I am sure we’ll have heaps of time to talk about those in eternity. The in-between seems the hardest for me, even until now. I still long to speak to him, to be reassured by him, to even just hear his terrible dad jokes.

The good news is you grow around grief. Life does go on. In moments when grief visits me, I welcome it. These days remind me how God has been so faithful in my life. Indeed, I have reaped songs of joy as the Lord promised.

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Art Practice Family Musings

A Spring Surprise

A New Morning

Many of our family’s milestones since we arrived in New Zealand usually happen over the spring season. Someone once told me that spring always brings new life. I did not understand it then, but as the years went by, I eventually understood. Animals are born in spring. New leaves bud in spring. Signs of new beginnings are made more visible in spring.

This gets me excited for this specific season as it comes each year. This year, though, I wasn’t expecting a lot because I felt like I had everything I wanted and needed. Little did I know that one of my recent prayer intentions and persistent worries will come to an end as spring season starts! Rapha is finally offered a spot in kindy!!! An amazing answered prayer!

We were initially contacted by the kindy for a visit because Rapha was nearing the top of their waitlist. We set a date for the visit and went. During our visit, Rapha, once we were on the premises, let go of my hand and dove right in with the other kids to play. I couldn’t peel him off the place once I was done with the visit. One of the teachers and some of the kids had to help me so we could end our visit that day. I knew at that moment, he’s ready for this next adventure.

Once we got home, we immediately received an offer of a spot at that kindy for next term. We were offered a three-day week to start, which was exactly what we wanted. God is good! Another thing crossed off my ticklist!

I am now in the process of preparing things that Rapha will need… and of course, planning what to do with all that free time! I have a wishlist of things I want done, but I will need to manage the time and my expectations at the same time. At the top of my list is my art practice and my swimming sessions—it’s all so exciting! This is such a welcomed spring surprise!

As I picture Rapha being dropped off on his first day, I know he will be fine. I am confident of his growing independence. It won’t be him who cries, I’m 100% sure!

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Art Practice Musings

God’s Everyday Sprinkling of Goodness

All my life, I have been used to recount bad days. It comes easy to me because I can easily make fun of my own misery. These days, however, I find myself becoming more aware of the good days.

In the past week, there have been several occasions where I just knew I was at the right place and the right time. As a change of pace, let me recount the ways God has been good to me.

Rapha has been doing swim classes since he was four months old. Since then, he has gained a lot of confidence in the water. He’s currently doing a level with kids his age but since he has been on the same level for quite a while now, he’s already getting bored of the routine. For his last class, they decided to promote him to the next level! This means he’ll get a more stimulating set of tasks he can sink his teeth into, and that excites me as a mum!

Apart from his swim classes, he only does Kindy Gym once a week, too, which leaves most of his days at home. Being a curious child, Rapha gets bored out of his mind some days. We have been waitlisted at the kindy near our place since he’s 1, but spots haven’t freed up yet. One mum from church mentioned to me that she’s been taking her son to playcentre now and it got me interested. She invited me to the playcentre where they go but I found the drive tiresome, so we went to the one closer to our home.

We just visited playcentre last week, but as soon as we went home, I enrolled Rapha immediately. He had a great day and the mums were very welcoming. It works for both Rapha and me because he gets to learn and socialise while I get to have adult conversations, which have become rare since I became a mum. One mum today was telling me about her and her kids’ routines when she mentioned about the school I was eyeing for Rapha to go to. From my experience waiting for a kindy, I wanted to secure a spot for Rapha the soonest I could, and the information she gave me was really valuable. I then rang the school, and we are now booked for an interview two weeks from now! What blessing!

Not only do I feel blessed in my family life, but I can see God honouring the little steps I take to further my art career.

Last year, one of the goals I’ve set for myself was to enter at least 3 group exhibitions or art awards for 2024. With that goal in mind, I allotted time and created artworks that I can enter. One of the upcoming exhibitions I am entering will be happening at our local museum/gallery, and the organisers were looking for local artists they can feature in their press release. I responded within hours after I received the message because I wouldn’t pass up this opportunity to put my name forward! They then confirmed that I would be included in the feature. My efforts are finally being noticed!

I have not achieved the outcomes in my vision yet, but it’s good to count the good things along the way. I want to commit them to memory because I am 100% sure these conversations and people I meet are not lucky coincidences, but it’s God placing me in the right situations at the right time. It’s a result of me working hand-in-hand with the God I trust will provide for me.

Maybe it’s in my solitude or just my everyday practice of silence, but it made me more sensitive to God’s movement in my life. I hope anyone who reads this may find their everyday sprinkling of God’s goodness, too!

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Art Practice Musings

Rejection as Part of a Creative’s Life

Photo by cottonbro CG studio on Pexels.com

As of late, I’ve been using my blog as a form of brain dump site because I am essentially cruising at life at the moment. I love this quiet season because it’s comfortable, but it also encourages the habit of slacking off. To avoid this tendency, I just keep on walking short paces to my next destination by picking up these small bits of thoughts I am having these days and allowing them to simmer and bring some clarity as to where the next destination actually is.

This led me to remembering my most recent conversation with a fellow creative. This friend of mine is a young, talented performance artist. We have quite a different practise, but we are both creatives and we enjoy sharing our experiences in the creative world.

During the course of conversation, rejection was mentioned and we had an interesting sharing of our thoughts about it. One insight and question I had in mind was why this topic isn’t talked much about by creatives. Absolutely no one has told me that rejection will be a part of my lifestyle if I ever choose to pursue a career in art. I’m pretty sure this isn’t exclusive to the arts but at least in my circle, no one talks about how common this is. It came as an absolute surprise to me when I first experienced it.

I wouldn’t say I haven’t experienced rejection in my previous corporate jobs. Proposals and ideas get rejected all the time, but with my art, the rejection felt more personal. I feel like at every turn, rejection is just right around the corner.

You want to show your work? No gallery or venue will just accept your proposal straightaway. Your work must be valuable enough. And once you’ve set everything up, someone at your exhibition will say your work looks too easy, they themselves can create it – so why didn’t they?

You need funding for a project you want to pursue? To qualify, you’d need a track of successful endeavours trailing you as part of the requirements.

My thoughts go back to schools and learning institutions. Why isn’t rejection taught more? Or it may have been taught but my attention was elsewhere, who knows?

I’ve got more questions than answers from my own thoughts, but my friend had a clever idea she encountered on this topic. She introduced me to a concept she has read and watched from this guy Jia Jiang. The book was called Rejection Proof. I haven’t personally read it yet, but the idea was to subject yourself to situations where you’re certain will lead to rejection. She told me he also has a Youtube channel if anyone wants to check it out. The mere suggestion of voluntarily subjecting yourself to these situations sent shivers down my spine.

I aim to read the book one of these days but one key takeaway for me from that concept was to take the risk. There was also an interesting thought from one of the podcasts I usually listen to. The artist said that when your work gets rejected from a specific show, gallery, or award-giving body, it doesn’t mean that your work is rubbish. It may only mean that your work wasn’t apt for the theme they were going for, or that the judges’ tastes doesn’t necessarily align with yours.

As for me, I know that the quality of my art now doesn’t match with the vision I have for it yet, but I will continue showing my work and entering in art awards and shows. I need all the feedback I can get to get to the vision I have for my art.

To you, dear observers and consumers of art, you are definitely entitled to your own opinions, but as much as it is humanly possible, please be respectful to the creatives who are pouring their hearts and souls into the work that they produce.

And to you, my fellow creative, let’s keep pushing forward! One of these days, those rejections will turn around and be a win for us!

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Art Practice Musings

Working Around Limitations

With my art, I love working with limitations, mainly because it grounds me. Limitations help me with art by shifting focus on a number of items and working creatively around them. Though it is useful for my art practice, I do not find limitations in my actual life fun.

As a mum to a very active toddler, I deal with several limitations myself:

Limited Time

These days, I manage to squeeze in more time for art, baking, and cooking. Rapha is more independent with play and exploration. Yet, I still do not have the luxury of long blocks of time as I had pre-motherhood. So what do I do? Adjust. I make quick acrylic paintings because acrylic paint dries easily. I do watercolour paintings because drying of paint on paper takes time and I can always go back to my paints without the fear of them drying out. I do the more intricate drawings at night when my child is fast asleep.

Limited Space

I love painting on canvas and I have a couple of stretcher bars waiting to be used but I do not have enough space to store big canvases at the moment so I chose to work with paper and thin boards right now. I have outgrown my studio space (aka my spare room in the house and a portion of my living room) so while I wait for my studio to be built, I will make art that my studio allows. I dream of doing bigger and freer forms of art but my current space cannot accommodate it but instead of going big, I will go deeper into my practice.

Limited Finances

It is a mutual decision of me and my husband to go single income while our child is in his developing years. We are blessed for him to have a stable job that can provide for us. We live comfortably, but we do not have a lot of surplus. These days, I am learning to use up the supplies and materials I have accumulated during the years when we had a lot of extras (being DINKs for about full four years when we moved to NZ).

We live frugally and save where we can so we can allot money for us to continue with this lifestyle. I am currently not selling my paintings because I do not have time to market them and make a full blown business off of it but I gift them to people who appreciate my art.

As a family, we have things we still pursue. As an individual, I am still holding on to my vision and my dreams and though I am faced with several limitations, I won’t stop moving. My steps may be really really tiny these days but they are steps nevertheless.

I am pretty stretched in this season of my life but every time I see how my son is developing, I remember why we have decided to do this in the first place. He is learning, growing, and thriving and I love that I can contribute to the best start he could ever have as a young person.

I believe that every season is its appointed time and I am soaking in everything that each season has to offer. When things start freeing up and when things are more abundant, I will look at this time with fondness and remember that though limitations are not fun, it can be an ally and spur me to growth.

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Art Practice Family Musings

Chasing the Blues Away

The past few weeks have been really stressful to our family. There are some big ticket items that are still hanging and we’re not quite sure how to proceed. My husband had Covid and I am generally unhappy with the art I have been making.

I saw myself spiralling to old patterns – I’ve been binge shopping again, I had no interest in creating anything, and I have been doing productive but unnecessary housework. I felt no control over things but it’s good that I caught the pattern early on.

Yesterday, I decided to do a general cleaning at home. Every nooks and crannies of our home were dusted, wiped, vacuumed, or steamed. I put my hands on to something I can control and have an immediate good result. I needed to do an actual activity that will take me off my phone to avoid any temptations of online shopping and mindless scrolling. Today, our home is sparkling clean and I can feel I can breathe easier.

Early morning today, I went to the gym and completed my workout. I tidied up the kitchen when I went home and proceeded to write on this blog. I feel so accomplished. I feel like I’ve done some self-care and I am ready to face my frustrations with a different energy this time.

Overcoming mental barriers and even mental health issues takes active participation and I am glad I have learnt my patterns and have discovered ways I can deal with the ebb and flow of my emotions as they come.

If you are in the same position as I was several weeks ago, give yourself permission to do some self-care, however it looks for you.

For me, it’s cleaning my space, writing, exercising, praying, and reflecting. Something might still happen to upset me today but I know now how to somehow chase these blues away.

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Art Practice Musings

Art on Pause While on Sourdough Therapy

I hit a wall with my art for approximately 3 months now. I rarely liked what I have been creating so I decided to take a break. There was a lot of internal pressure to find my own art style and to generate income from it, which absolutely no one else required from me.

My dissatisfaction led me to find something I can get my hands on while I nurse my wounded ego, thus I turned to sourdough. I have tried several times to make my own sourdough starter and sourdough bread from it on and off for several years now but never really succeeded.

Our family loves bread and I have a Type 2 Diabetes I am trying to manage. Sourdough caught my attention because it is a healthier alternative to commercially produced breads. Apart from that, buying gears and kitchen equipment is so therapeutic for me!

I currently have a 3-week old starter housed in a Brod and Taylor Sourdough Home. I have made 4 sourdough discard loaves and a brioche loaf from it. My sourdough discard loaves were wonderful but my brioche was dense, mainly because I substituted the flour required from the recipe hahaha.

Making sourdough starter and bread from it seems to have heaps of rules I need to follow. I love this because in following a specific set of rules, I get the outcome I expect. It is a mix of rules and of continuous adjustment because each sourdough starter is unique. It has helped me be more flexible in terms of expectations and just learning to adjust with the changes needed every time my starter acts up. My starter is a bit more stable now so all the efforts paid off. Now on to my bread making journey!

Having a hobby outside art has been helping me lately. I have been generating ideas for possible projects. Also just realigning my head as to where I want my art journey to go. I hope to regain that freedom to create what I want without expecting too much from it. In the meantime, my creativity is directed towards breadmaking and hopefully, I may get over or better yet, break the wall I hit with my art very, very soon.

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Art Practice Family Musings

The Wonders of a Supportive Partner

I have seen Howell, my husband, in several seasons of my life already. He has been a steady presence in our home. He has supported me and cheered me on whatever season in my life.

I have seen him transform from an officemate to a boyfriend, a husband, a sole provider, a father, and now my main cheerleader in my chosen career.

Howell is an engineer by profession so anything that has to do with measurements and implementing them is something I can entrust to him.

I’m at the latter stages of my preparation for the exhibit so it’s all about presentation and packaging and it honestly has overwhelmed me. I have never thought of these things and how much time and resources it takes to get them done when I’ve started doing these paintings.

And as someone who knows me well, he himself volunteered to help me out with planning and implementing the packaging, transportation, and even the installation of my paintings in the gallery. He knew how overwhelmed I can get doing tasks like these.

He is currently finishing packaging my paintings as I write this – he has used his holidays to help me out because he’s working full time.

My anxieties over how I was going to do those tasks can rest while I cover tasks related to marketing this event.

I am continuously surprised and amazed by how much he stretches himself to support and encourage me. I do not know what the outcome of this exhibit will be but apart from everything I have learnt thus far, it is also amazing to see how much support is being poured over me and I couldn’t be more grateful.

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