We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.
Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!
It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.
I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.
Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.
Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…
Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…
I have a pattern in my creative life where I am extremely productive and highly creative, then get to a dormant season where even though I continue creating, I do get a bit unproductive and then head to a phase where to reignite my creativity, I learn something new, and then head on to a new project reenergised and in full blast.
I am so close to the new project phase now but my dormant phase has been very interesting.
In my last dormant phase, I learnt how to make sourdough and have been making it since. We rarely buy store-bought bread now.
This time, I learnt two things: sumi-e ink painting and gardening.
Sumi-e Ink Painting
With the sumi-e ink, I was guided by a book I purchased ages ago. It’s called The Art of Sumi-E by Naomi Okamoto. I liked it because the method of learning is by copying the paintings presented in the book. I didn’t have to think hard and create when my creative juices were running dry. I just had to learn by copying.
The three things I loved were:
You get to create complete artworks with a few strokes. It works well with the way I work.
It is meditative. Since every stroke matters, I was able to be present while creating. My mind wasn’t racing to be elsewhere while I was doing it.
The paintings do not need grounding. It uses negative space to suggest a background to each painting. I love it because backgrounds are honestly my weakness. I hyper-focus on a subject, and rarely do I think about backgrounds when completing a painting.
Below are some of my favourites.
For a few months, I have only been doing these exercises, and it got me prepared to dive back in to my own practice again.
Gardening
The other thing I have learnt is gardening. People close to me know how awful I am with gardening. Even the hardiest plants wilt in my care. I’m unsure why I gave it another chance this time.
To soften the blow, I started planting herbs from seeds. This way, the initial expenses are not that much and I can just plant the seeds I have over and over until I get it right.
When my spring onions, chives, and mini leeks grew, I became bolder, and I tried to grow napa cabbage and tomatoes—both seeds randomly chosen by my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this to start with. I cannot remember why he encouraged me, but he might have some regrets now that we have a full-blown vege garden in our backyard.
At the time of writing, we now have a herb garden, a mandarin shrub, and a kalanchoe on our deck. In our backyard, we have a lemon tree, 2 avocado trees, coffee tree, lavender, tomatoes, kangkong, kumara, garlic, onion, ginger, spinach, lettuce, blueberries, strawberries, snake beans, and eggplant, which are all on raised beds and pots. I am awaiting about 15 more seedlings for planting in autumn and I plan to set up an apple and feijoa tree in winter and olive and fig tree in the summer.
Plants on Deck
Backyard
Being the kind of person I am, the drive to plant edibles is strong because I like seeing actual fruits (or vegetables) with my efforts. I have nothing against people who grow ornamental plants, but being the person I am, there is just less drive for me to go for “aesthetics”, as seen in my current garden setup. Today, I saw two blueberries on my plant, and what joy to see it!
There were some mistakes that were just straight-out hilarious. The first batch of tomatoes I’ve grown wilted after a few consecutive days of rain, so when another type of plant sprung to replace it, I felt hopeful! Little did I know that I was nurturing…. weeds!!! Of course, my thoughtful husband did not fail to “document” it.
I have a vision for both our front and backyard, but I didn’t realise how expensive this endeavour can be! I decided to use raised garden beds and pots because the weeds on our property are a pain, and we haven’t got it in control yet. I wanted to give my plants some fighting chance by creating a more controlled environment for them. For now, I will build on my garden one step at a time., but this have proven to be a very therapeutic activity for me.
These days, I have been enjoying activities that slow me down. I am amazed at how much more aware I become when I slow down. I get to appreciate my surroundings and find blessings in even the most mundane things more.
What’s more amazing is how this one hobby has got everyone in our family involved. Howell would be as excited as I am to see new leaves or sprouts each day. Rapha helps me water the plants. He has his own watering can and garden gloves, too. He would often encourage each plant by saying, “grow, kangkong, grow!” or “give us heaps of fruits, mandarin!”. And Milo being Milo would snack on the sheep pellets and mulch. He will usually “guard” me while doing gardening, following me around wherever I go.
I am excited with what these new experiences will bring. I’m looking forward to sketching the flowers and leaves in my garden. I am buzzing with ideas these days. Life is good and I am ready to jump into creating my own art again soon!
It has been almost two months since my son has started kindy. We are still both navigating this new stage—Rapha with his exhaustion from the day’s activities and me optimising the time on my hands.
Some highlights of him going to kindy:
He made friends easily—there’s a boy and a girl who constantly play with him, but he gets along well with everyone. He prefers to play with kids older than him.
I am now getting used to receiving incident reports from the kindy—all minor incidents—but it used to scare the heck out of me. Rapha is a very curious boy who likes experimenting, which gets him into situations where he gets hurt.
He is asserting his independence more these days. Things like putting his clothes, socks, and shoes on, opening doors, getting his cutlery and plates from drawers, wipes for his nose and hands, and even putting on his seatbelt are all done by him exclusively these days. This means I need to prepare way ahead of time if we plan to get out of the house because everything just takes ages to get done.
His vocabulary and sentence construction improved exponentially because of his exposure to older kids. He can form complete sentences and express what he wants and what he doesn’t want, which is a disadvantage for me sometimes because I now have to negotiate with a 2 1/2 year old, which is not impossible but can be frustrating at times.
I have learnt to appreciate teachers more! Rapha’s teachers are kind and very knowledgeable. They constantly give observations about Rapha and some of the unique things they see about him. They worked with me at times when Rapha found it difficult to cope.
I can now do groceries, do art, and swim by myself! I truly enjoy the freedom and the solitude. I get to enjoy a few hours of silence, and it refreshes me.
I am happy he was offered a spot in this specific kindy, even though it’s a bit of a drive from our place. Even the parents I’ve met are wonderful people. All the kids I’ve met are polite and happy. This kindy has provided a beautiful environment where my child can thrive.
Many of our family’s milestones since we arrived in New Zealand usually happen over the spring season. Someone once told me that spring always brings new life. I did not understand it then, but as the years went by, I eventually understood. Animals are born in spring. New leaves bud in spring. Signs of new beginnings are made more visible in spring.
This gets me excited for this specific season as it comes each year. This year, though, I wasn’t expecting a lot because I felt like I had everything I wanted and needed. Little did I know that one of my recent prayer intentions and persistent worries will come to an end as spring season starts! Rapha is finally offered a spot in kindy!!! An amazing answered prayer!
We were initially contacted by the kindy for a visit because Rapha was nearing the top of their waitlist. We set a date for the visit and went. During our visit, Rapha, once we were on the premises, let go of my hand and dove right in with the other kids to play. I couldn’t peel him off the place once I was done with the visit. One of the teachers and some of the kids had to help me so we could end our visit that day. I knew at that moment, he’s ready for this next adventure.
Once we got home, we immediately received an offer of a spot at that kindy for next term. We were offered a three-day week to start, which was exactly what we wanted. God is good! Another thing crossed off my ticklist!
I am now in the process of preparing things that Rapha will need… and of course, planning what to do with all that free time! I have a wishlist of things I want done, but I will need to manage the time and my expectations at the same time. At the top of my list is my art practice and my swimming sessions—it’s all so exciting! This is such a welcomed spring surprise!
As I picture Rapha being dropped off on his first day, I know he will be fine. I am confident of his growing independence. It won’t be him who cries, I’m 100% sure!
With hopeful expectations, I came into motherhood thinking that, by my sheer willpower, nothing will change with my art practice. In my heart of hearts, I even thought I would nail all my roles with flying colours because I am soooooo good at juggling several things at a time.
Two years in, in full humility, I admit that I DID NOT nail all my roles. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I still put in the effort. I would say I do have an art practice. I make something almost everyday. I squeeze art in every single opportunity I get. However, things are not turning out the way I envisioned them to be. I still am not earning from art, not winning any awards, not qualifying for any of the known art shows here in NZ. Maybe it’s the economy, maybe it’s the market saturation of artists these days, or maybe now isn’t just my time yet—whatever the reason, I am not where I thought I’d be a couple years ago.
I am not in despair, though. I have readjusted my expectations of how my current world works. I am focusing on the things I can control.
First item I had to adjust my expectations for was childcare. I thought that when Rapha turns two, all I had to do was to decide to send him to kindy and as long as I was on a waitlist, all will be well. However, all is not well. Kindys are full. Rapha is on the 21st on the waitlist of the kindy which is a couple minutes’ walk from our place. He was on the waitlist since he was one year old. Even the ones which are a 5-10 minute drive ones are unavailable. I was on a limbo for a couple months until I decided I’ll just wait for the kindy near our place and if it never happens, then he’ll stay with me at home and we’ll find ways to make things work.
Second item is my expectation of earning from my art. It has always been the goal even when I didn’t even know what I was specifically selling. These days, I am focused on building a body of work I can stand behind. I do have a good number of artworks now, but I am not happy with them going out into the world yet, so I had to step back and aim to have an established process first and a body of work that I would be proud to show. In saying that, what I do these days is join group exhibits because it takes less work and still gives me an avenue to show some of my work.
With balancing the needs of a child and my art practice, I finally accepted that it is virtually impossible to do both at the same time. Case in point: this is my 5th attempt in 2 weeks to complete this blog entry. I just do not have enough hands for it, so instead of squeezing art during the day, I do it while he naps and once he sleeps at night. The need to watch over him to keep him alive is much more necessary these days because he’s a terrible two indeed.
The future is bright, though, because I have found ways to keep him busy these days. He has different sets of toys, art materials, and musical instruments he can explore during the day. All I need is to make it enjoyable enough for him to explore them independently.
This is all a phase, and until things free up more, I will stay here and enjoy the ride.
The past few weeks have been really stressful to our family. There are some big ticket items that are still hanging and we’re not quite sure how to proceed. My husband had Covid and I am generally unhappy with the art I have been making.
I saw myself spiralling to old patterns – I’ve been binge shopping again, I had no interest in creating anything, and I have been doing productive but unnecessary housework. I felt no control over things but it’s good that I caught the pattern early on.
Yesterday, I decided to do a general cleaning at home. Every nooks and crannies of our home were dusted, wiped, vacuumed, or steamed. I put my hands on to something I can control and have an immediate good result. I needed to do an actual activity that will take me off my phone to avoid any temptations of online shopping and mindless scrolling. Today, our home is sparkling clean and I can feel I can breathe easier.
Early morning today, I went to the gym and completed my workout. I tidied up the kitchen when I went home and proceeded to write on this blog. I feel so accomplished. I feel like I’ve done some self-care and I am ready to face my frustrations with a different energy this time.
Overcoming mental barriers and even mental health issues takes active participation and I am glad I have learnt my patterns and have discovered ways I can deal with the ebb and flow of my emotions as they come.
If you are in the same position as I was several weeks ago, give yourself permission to do some self-care, however it looks for you.
For me, it’s cleaning my space, writing, exercising, praying, and reflecting. Something might still happen to upset me today but I know now how to somehow chase these blues away.
The other day, I was thinking of what I am doing in general with my art practice. I’ve found that if I randomly create without any regard for the message I am putting out, my outputs seem confused and generally flat.
So I thought of identifying my overarching message that I am wanting to communicate or promote in my work. Apart from my identity as an artist mum, I am in the business of breaking chains.
Whether it be in the artworks or in the process of art-making, I am about breaking chains – of neglect, hurts, disappointments, brokenness.
At the time I wrote about this in my journal, my son was wanting to be carried, just because he wants to. I would normally be so annoyed because of the interruption but I welcomed it and wrote what I needed to in phases.
It starts early. I believe that if he grows secure that he is loved and valued, he gets the best start he can get.
This was also the reason why I chose to concentrate on certain mediums and processes that can accommodate these “interruptions” during the day. There’s an overflow of my home studio in every parts of the home so I can still easily get on the creative task when I have the time.
It’s such a sacrifice but the chains I’ve had has impacted me all my life and it’s the least part of my life I want to hand over to my son. Even these blogs are not too cohesive lately because I end it not when I want to but when I need to.
I hope that whatever I am doing in this area of breaking chains may inspire others and hopefully, inspire other parents/ families as well. A loving, healthy, kind, and generous society starts with a loving, healthy, kind, and generous home.
I have seen Howell, my husband, in several seasons of my life already. He has been a steady presence in our home. He has supported me and cheered me on whatever season in my life.
I have seen him transform from an officemate to a boyfriend, a husband, a sole provider, a father, and now my main cheerleader in my chosen career.
Howell is an engineer by profession so anything that has to do with measurements and implementing them is something I can entrust to him.
I’m at the latter stages of my preparation for the exhibit so it’s all about presentation and packaging and it honestly has overwhelmed me. I have never thought of these things and how much time and resources it takes to get them done when I’ve started doing these paintings.
And as someone who knows me well, he himself volunteered to help me out with planning and implementing the packaging, transportation, and even the installation of my paintings in the gallery. He knew how overwhelmed I can get doing tasks like these.
He is currently finishing packaging my paintings as I write this – he has used his holidays to help me out because he’s working full time.
My anxieties over how I was going to do those tasks can rest while I cover tasks related to marketing this event.
I am continuously surprised and amazed by how much he stretches himself to support and encourage me. I do not know what the outcome of this exhibit will be but apart from everything I have learnt thus far, it is also amazing to see how much support is being poured over me and I couldn’t be more grateful.
“Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makararating sa paroroonan.”
He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.
I had a conversation with one of my closest friends on my birthday. We talked about what’s been happening in our lives, the usual updates. She’s one of my closest friends whom I’ve known since my university days. She’s now moved to Canada while I’m here in New Zealand.
One of the things I mentioned to her was the exhibit I’m preparing for and how anxious I was over it. She then said who would have thought that I’d be able to do an exhibit, let alone in New Zealand! We both graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology so it was something we never would have imagined doing.
We then moved on to talking about being so privileged to be in the countries we are in now. In context, we both experienced hardships, especially during our university days because of our financial capacities at the time so moving to another country to live and work the way we do now was unimaginable.
This conversation prompted me to look back and think of all my answered prayers…
I once prayed for a God-fearing husband who will pursue big dreams with me
I once prayed for a joyful family
I once prayed for a purposeful life
I once prayed for a home of our own
I once prayed for an opportunity to pursue my passions
…and all these prayers have been answered. Some, I had to wait for quite a number of years, but still… We have come a long way and now is not the time to fear.
It was wonderful to look back. It kept me grounded and at the same time gives me hope that I have a faithful and generous God who keeps His promises. What a privilege to be pursuing dreams!
I get questions like this these days and it’s honestly a complex question there’s no one answer to.
I get asked when I’m coming back to work and if not soon, when? I know the people who have asked me meant well but I just find it difficult to give answers.
So I decided to write this to clarify this question even for myself.
I worked as a Marketing Manager for four years and had my online K-beauty products shop but decided to close shop upon learning of my pregnancy.
These days, I can always say I am an artist. I am, however, a bit uncomfortable with that label (but maybe just a case of imposter syndrome) as I have not been earning since I gave birth.
So what do I do?
Let me start with my what and why.
The biggest roles I have for now are a wife and a mum as I have an almost 10-month-old adorable boy at the time of writing. It has been a deliberate decision for me to stay home and work fully from home so that I can 100% focus on raising our little bubba. It is uncommon these days because of the economic climate but my husband earns enough and I am very prudent with my expenditures.
On a daily basis, I am, for the most part, a mum. However, I chose to continue pursuing my dreams in spite of this extremely busy period of my life.
So what work do I do? Currently, I am building a career in arts and am studying further for another art-related career so that I do not have to 100% rely on selling artworks for a living.
One of the big projects I am working on this year is my solo show which runs from the 11th to the 16th of May. The exhibition is an exploration of my postpartum experiences and how I have chosen to move forward and continue living my dream life. Having a child shouldn’t be a roadblock for women to pursue their passions. I am looking forward to a future with empowered mums and I am hoping to contribute to building that future.
As for my solo show, keep your eyes peeled on this space for further details! This is such an exciting and anxiety-inducing endeavour but I know it will be worth it!
HandsVentures NZ 