Category: Family

Categories
Art Practice Family Musings

The Wonders of a Supportive Partner

I have seen Howell, my husband, in several seasons of my life already. He has been a steady presence in our home. He has supported me and cheered me on whatever season in my life.

I have seen him transform from an officemate to a boyfriend, a husband, a sole provider, a father, and now my main cheerleader in my chosen career.

Howell is an engineer by profession so anything that has to do with measurements and implementing them is something I can entrust to him.

I’m at the latter stages of my preparation for the exhibit so it’s all about presentation and packaging and it honestly has overwhelmed me. I have never thought of these things and how much time and resources it takes to get them done when I’ve started doing these paintings.

And as someone who knows me well, he himself volunteered to help me out with planning and implementing the packaging, transportation, and even the installation of my paintings in the gallery. He knew how overwhelmed I can get doing tasks like these.

He is currently finishing packaging my paintings as I write this – he has used his holidays to help me out because he’s working full time.

My anxieties over how I was going to do those tasks can rest while I cover tasks related to marketing this event.

I am continuously surprised and amazed by how much he stretches himself to support and encourage me. I do not know what the outcome of this exhibit will be but apart from everything I have learnt thus far, it is also amazing to see how much support is being poured over me and I couldn’t be more grateful.

Categories
Art Practice Family Musings

Of Answered Prayers and Looking Back

In the Philippines, we have a saying that goes:

“Ang hindi lumingon sa pinanggalingan ay hindi makararating sa paroroonan.”

He who does not look back from where he came will never reach his destination.

I had a conversation with one of my closest friends on my birthday. We talked about what’s been happening in our lives, the usual updates. She’s one of my closest friends whom I’ve known since my university days. She’s now moved to Canada while I’m here in New Zealand.

One of the things I mentioned to her was the exhibit I’m preparing for and how anxious I was over it. She then said who would have thought that I’d be able to do an exhibit, let alone in New Zealand! We both graduated with a Bachelor’s in Psychology so it was something we never would have imagined doing.

We then moved on to talking about being so privileged to be in the countries we are in now. In context, we both experienced hardships, especially during our university days because of our financial capacities at the time so moving to another country to live and work the way we do now was unimaginable.

This conversation prompted me to look back and think of all my answered prayers…

  • I once prayed for a God-fearing husband who will pursue big dreams with me
  • I once prayed for a joyful family
  • I once prayed for a purposeful life
  • I once prayed for a home of our own
  • I once prayed for an opportunity to pursue my passions

…and all these prayers have been answered. Some, I had to wait for quite a number of years, but still… We have come a long way and now is not the time to fear.

It was wonderful to look back. It kept me grounded and at the same time gives me hope that I have a faithful and generous God who keeps His promises. What a privilege to be pursuing dreams!

Categories
Art Practice Family

So…What do you do?

I get questions like this these days and it’s honestly a complex question there’s no one answer to.

I get asked when I’m coming back to work and if not soon, when? I know the people who have asked me meant well but I just find it difficult to give answers.

So I decided to write this to clarify this question even for myself.

I worked as a Marketing Manager for four years and had my online K-beauty products shop but decided to close shop upon learning of my pregnancy.

These days, I can always say I am an artist. I am, however, a bit uncomfortable with that label (but maybe just a case of imposter syndrome) as I have not been earning since I gave birth.

So what do I do?

Let me start with my what and why.

The biggest roles I have for now are a wife and a mum as I have an almost 10-month-old adorable boy at the time of writing. It has been a deliberate decision for me to stay home and work fully from home so that I can 100% focus on raising our little bubba. It is uncommon these days because of the economic climate but my husband earns enough and I am very prudent with my expenditures.

On a daily basis, I am, for the most part, a mum. However, I chose to continue pursuing my dreams in spite of this extremely busy period of my life.

So what work do I do? Currently, I am building a career in arts and am studying further for another art-related career so that I do not have to 100% rely on selling artworks for a living.

One of the big projects I am working on this year is my solo show which runs from the 11th to the 16th of May. The exhibition is an exploration of my postpartum experiences and how I have chosen to move forward and continue living my dream life. Having a child shouldn’t be a roadblock for women to pursue their passions. I am looking forward to a future with empowered mums and I am hoping to contribute to building that future.

As for my solo show, keep your eyes peeled on this space for further details! This is such an exciting and anxiety-inducing endeavour but I know it will be worth it!

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 7

28 June 2022

My dearest Raphael,

I know you’ve been extra clingy the past two weeks because you were sick. Tonight was different, though. You held my face for the first time. You made sure I was beside you just before you slept.

I felt so loved, my child. It’s like my heart is bursting with so much happiness because I simply am your mum. It’s such a privilege to be entrusted with a child like you.

You are compassionate, cooperative, kind, and affectionate. I love seeing you grow.

I might have had doubts about being your mum, but those doubts seem so little now that I am getting to know you more.

I want to stay by your side for as long as I can, my son. You are my treasure. 

May you know and accept how loved you are – by us, your parents, by God, and by so many other people I can not even count.

You still have so much in store for you. For now, sleep well knowing that we are here and God’s angels are watching over you. May you dream wonderful dreams tonight.

Yours forever,

Mum

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 6

8 June 2022

My Dearest Raphael,

It has been a little more than a month since you were born. Those weeks have been really tough for your dad and me. Apart from my recovery and our adjustments to having you, life seemed to have thrown another curve ball, which is the long-awaited settlement of our home.

At the time I’m writing this, we are still in the process of waiting for my Kiwisaver to be processed and our home loan to be approved. I cannot begin to describe how mentally and physically draining these all are.

Somehow, in the midst of these issues, you have been the ray of sunshine who gives me reasons to hope and to continue fighting. Earlier this evening, as your dad and Milo did their normal evening walks, I somehow had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect you, of wanting to give you all the love I can possibly ever give.

I am surprised at how little you are yet how big your effect had been in our lives. I love you, my child. I hope you will grow knowing how loved and valuable you are to us. You have saved me in so many ways, my child. I have no words to describe how, you just did. I will forever be grateful for the gift of you.

Yours forever,

Mum

Categories
Art Practice Family

My Recent Work: The Days are Long

The Days are Long, Triptych 16 “x 20”, oil on canvas

Prior to giving birth, I was working on a printmaking project which I never completed. It is a detailed piece which I never had the capacity to complete when I gave birth.

Within three months postpartum, I still was not able to create so I chose to take photos of the things around me when I can. One of the type of photos I took were of the skyscapes that can be viewed from our glass doors.

On my fourth month postpartum, I had more time to think about what I wanted to do. I wanted to process the beautiful photos of skyscapes I took so I experimented on a number of things and settled on painting it.

My recent work is a triptych oil painting on canvas. I have dabbled with oils several times but it’s just now that I’ve done a proper piece with it. It works well with my process since I usually work when baby is down on his day naps so oils suit because I can just leave the paint and resume work when possible.

The Days are Long explores my postpartum experience. The heavy, dark borders appeal to the sense of being boxed in. The black and white illustrative lines contrast with the bold colours and strokes of the skyscape. This depicts the stark contrast of the dullness of staying put at home and the colourful world right before me. The different skyscape styles and colours indicate the passage of time. It seemed during those months that my life was at a standstill while I watch the world go by.

I am writing this six months postpartum and things have already changed. It’s amazing to look back at this experience and see that things do improve. The days feel long but my wee one is becoming more independent day by day. It is wonderful to have an avenue to record these experiences and I would love to create more of them in the coming months.

What did you think of this piece? Any constructive feedback is welcome!

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 5

3 May 2022

My Dearest Raphael,

Two days from now, we will get to hold you in our arms. Mummy will have an elective c-section because you will be born in breech position. We are both excited and nervous but we’re more excited than ever. We have waited so long for you, my child.

Your very existence is a gift. I do not know what the future will bring or how difficult things will be for us, but I believe that the joy of having you will be greater than any struggle we will ever have.

You are loved way more than you could ever imagine. I have loved you even before you were ever conceived. Imagine our joy when we found out that you’re already on the way!

I have no words to ever describe what I feel right now but you are one of the Lord’s greatest blessings to us. Hang in there. We’ll see you very soon.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 4

23 February 2022

Dear Raphael,

Ever since I learned of your existence, I’ve been learning so much more about myself, life, your Dad, and where God is in all these. Never have I ever been so unsure of what life will bring until you turned up.

These days, I am learning to live life day by day and to make each of those days count, because they do. Everyday counts, especially if you’re a baby developing in your mother’s womb. What I do, what I eat, what I feel affects you in so many ways and I only want to give what’s best for you at the same time balancing what’s good for me.

Never have I grasped my lack of control until now. No one knows when or how you will arrive and even that drives me nuts, my child. You will be born in a pandemic that truly shocked and changed the whole world and I do not know how to feel about that. We are blessed to be in a country that has plenty of resources and so much support from the government and our greater community – in your parents’ case, mainly the church.

I do not know when or if you will get to meet your grandma and auntie in the Philippines but that is a whole different topic altogether.

In all these, I am learning that I can only turn to the One who has numbered all our days, to the One who has loved you even before you were conceived. He willed you into being and His huge hands and generous love will see us through. Whatever uncertainty the future holds is certain for Him who hold all things together. I hope that even now, you will feel and know and claim that He is there, always has been.

I am very excited to meet you in spite of all my fears. Hang in there, son. Few months more and I will get to have the privilege of holding you in my arms. Even now, you are loved and cherished.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 3

14 December 2022

It has taken quite a while for me to write to you again. It has been a whirlwind since the day we found out about you.

A team of medical specialists have been taking care of both you and me. Moving to NZ was one of the best decisions we’ve made. We don’t know how it will be if we were in the Philippines because really, your Mummy’s body isn’t the healthiest.

I’ve been anxious the past weeks because the first sonographer who saw you thought you had a cleft lip. I mean I’ll still accept you even now for who you will be or what you will look like but I’m worried it’ll be an unnecessary burden for you as you grow. Anyway, the last scan said you are all clear. You might just have been blowing bubbles in Mummy’s tummy then.

Whatever you become, I hope you find and know and love Jesus the way your Dad and I have. I hope you model your life from Him because it will be the single most important decision you will do in life – everything else will flow from that relationship.

I hope you become the best version of you. I hope to raise you as a discerning, kind, and loving man who will choose to do what is right and noble no matter how difficult. I pray even now that God gives me the grace to forgive you at times that you will hurt me. And just the same, I hope you learn to forgive your Dad and I in times that we hurt you. Forgiveness has been the toughest lesson I had to learn and it has taken so much from my life without me knowing it.

Hang in there, my precious one. I will try my best to be healthy so that you will be, too. I am jumping with joy because you are alive.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 2

12 November 2021

Dear Baby,

I feel better today. Still getting used to the idea that I am not alone anymore – I have you to think about.

To be honest, I still think the tests are inaccurate, but all my other bodily symptoms and changes tell me otherwise. You are real and I hope to take care of you.

Help me to eat food that you need, because Mum doesn’t have the healthiest taste in food. I just want you to be healthy.

I am challenged by the idea of raising you. I want to give you all the wonderful things life can bring. I want you to grow in love, knowing the warmth of a real home.

I pray, even now, that you get to know God, and love Him deeply, personally. Know that God is real, no matter what circumstances dictate.

I am sorry for bringing you in such a broken world – I hope you’d be a form of light this current darkness needs.

I love you even now. Hang in there.

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.