This is another series I am launching in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
11 November 2021
Dear Baby,
Not sure yet if this is real but I tested posivite twice today – first with an expired pregnancy kit, then second with a kit your dad bought at a supermarket.
You caught us by surprise, you cheeky little bugger. I was just accepting the possibility that I may never have you.
I am honestly anxious – because you see, Mum hasn’t been at her healthiest since we moved here to NZ. I am obese with a recent diabetes diagnosis, even writing it down shrouds me with so much shame.
I do not know if I am capable of raising you. I want you to be healthy but how do I start it when the vessel I’m carrying you with seems so broken?
I have just learned to be selfish and I’d say I quite liked it. You see, I grew up laying my life for other people. I’ve said yes even when people have worn me down.
Your Dad gave me that freedom to say no – when things are already toxic, when people are already disrespecting me, when people take advantage of me.
I’ve focused on my passion: arts. I’m actually in the middle of my studies, my child, and it feels like my life is being taken away from me once again.
Even now, I am sorry for feeling this. I know, in time, I will truly, fully love you because you are God’s gift to us.
For now, I hope you hang in there. I will try my best to mend this broken vessel. Do not be shy to take anything you need from me.
I have written a lot about my current experiences as an individual in these blog posts. However, there is a deeper well where all these things came from. I had a history colourful enough to share.
The biggest story that I would say has defined my life happened when I was in university. We were bankrupt and my father passed during this period. Everything I held dear was taken from me.
As a young professional, I wanted to share it, at that time, I was hoping, through writing a book about my experiences. However, life happened and here we are. My memory hasn’t also been the best so I thought to create this blog series to document all I can remember and we’ll see where this takes me.
This is a story about how I have identified with Job. For reference, the story of Job can be found in the book of Job in the Bible. In so many ways, I felt my life moved as his did. Little by little, from what I can recall, I will share them here, as Sheen: the Millennial Job.
I like doing my bit for mother Earth. I try and make meals from scratch to avoid unnecessary packaging. I shop fruit and veges at our local co-op. I compost. These are very small things we try and do everyday to contribute to the future of the planet. If it does have some impact, I wouldn’t really know. One can only hope that these small efforts make a huge difference.
Today marks my 2nd week using cloth nappies – and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made as a mum both for my wallet and for the environment.
I’ve heard advantages and disadvantages from people who used cloth nappies and from those who tried but did not push through with it.
Where to start
Given that we live at the end of the earth, there are very limited options for a lot of things here, including cloth nappies. I received a couple samples from my sister-in-law: one’s an all-in-one nappy and a 2-in-one nappy. The all-in-one nappies are fastened through velcro while the 2-in-one ones use snaps. I purchased these two types just so I have variation. I am no expert yet in using cloth nappies but these ones have worked well for us.
We currently have 25 nappies and wash them every 2/3 days, depending on bubba’s usage.
Dealing with poop
One of the biggest concerns I had when I was considering cloth nappies was dealing with poop. I’ve found that there are disposable liners that you can use just so I won’t need to directly deal with it before washing. Once I found this workable solution, I was sold!
When we started with cloth nappies
We planned to start using cloth nappies when our bubba is 3 months old just so we adjust with newborn stuff gradually. It was great because we have a good routine already.
What our routines are
We use cloth nappies the whole day but since bubba is sleeping longer stretches now, about 5-7 hours a night, we still use disposable nappies at night to keep him comfortable and leak-free the whole night through. We also use disposable nappies on days out just so things are efficient and it’s one less issue we need to deal with.
Washing and drying
We do a pre-wash and main-wash in the laundry and use dryer to dry. Having a dryer at home saves us a trip to the laundry, especially on wet days and on winter. We make sure we’re doing a full load so we don’t waste energy and water cleaning these nappies.
We struggled at first figuring out how to wash these properly but there are a huge number of resources online that helped us find the best way for us to keep these nappies clean.
In conclusion…
These are our experiences so far using cloth nappies. In terms of use, there’s not much difference with disposable ones except that they are reusable. I don’t think we will fully shift to cloth nappies for convenience of days out and for baby’s comfort at night, but it has been saving heaps of disposable ones ending up in landfills. If you are looking at giving it a try, go ahead! Really one of the best decisions you can make as parents!
I have had issues with mental health even before becoming a mum so I am proactive to take certain steps to ensure that I have time for self-care. Over the past year, I have learnt of things that calm, comfort, and energise me – that’s eating healthy, swimming, walking outdoors, and making art, to name a few.
I knew even during pregnancy that I have to take deliberate steps to still continue taking care of myself as I enter the crazy busy life of motherhood. It’s a good thing I am blessed with a husband who cares about these things as much as I do.
We’ve nailed down eating healthy with weekly meal preps and having healthy snacks handy at home. With my art, I “steal” quiet times to create. I do sketches which take me about 5 to 10 minutes to create. I draw what I see. I take pictures of the sky, which can be seen through our glass doors, when I see interesting cloud formations and gorgeous sunset views. I do digital art at night when Howell is in charge of caring for Raphael. I write these blogs when Raphael sleeps according to his sleep schedule.
On Fridays, Howell works from home so I can go out and do whatever it is that will make me feel human again. I have a stash of expressed breastmilk so Howell can feed Raphael if he ever gets hungry while I’m out. I usually get about 2-3 hours of alone time. I use this time to swim and do the groceries. Didn’t know how relaxing doing groceries can be until now!
When weather is good, Raphael and I join Howell and Milo for Milo’s everyday walks. It’s just a bit upsetting these days because it’s been raining since autumn almost everyday, but we make sure to go out every single time the sun shines. I hope summer brings heaps of opportunities for more walks with the whole family.
When all these little things are added up, they make a huge contribution to my wellbeing, which directly impacts my capacity to care for Howell, Raphael, and even Milo. I used to think that thinking of yourself as a mother is selfish but really, you cannot pour from an empty vessel. I am able to give because my cup is always filled. Thank God for a loving and caring husband!
If I haven’t mentioned it enough, I am a first time mum to a now 2-month old baby.
I am currently studying for a Diploma in Creativity and I have been taking really small steps to establish a career in art while doing my studies because studying art is not really a pre-requisite for an art career. I am not fully set on the path I wish to pursue but I just keep on creating for now with the goal of forging my own path someday soon.
I used to think that having a child meant automatically abandoning this goal of mine but with encouragement from other artists and other mums, I realised it shouldn’t be the case.
Thus far, here are the things I have learned and have been helping me push through with these small steps to achieving my goal.
Be intentional
Unlike my previous process where I stay at my studio and wait for inspiration to strike, I now have a list of things and ideas I can implement when I find the small windows of time where I can work. Every opportunity is an opportunity to create so I have to be intentional on how I spend my limited time. These days, I’m fortunate enough to have an hour to spare at a time while baby is asleep because I also do chores and self-care in between.
Use the limited resources that you have
It’s a chore altogether just to get to my studio and set things up so I gathered a limited number of supplies I can easily reach and stored them in our lounge so I can easily set things to action. I found that having a limited number of supplies allows me to better focus as well. Sadly, I am not able to use any wet media, my favourite go-tos, at the moment because of how tedious it is to set it up. I am learning new ways to create because dry media isn’t something I’m used to. Here’s to learning new things!
Keep an accessible avenue to store your ideas
I used to write most of my ideas on my visual diary. However, as I’m usually on my feet, I found it easier to write my ideas on my phone instead. It is so convenient to have all my ideas in one place because I can easily jump onto any creative project and easily execute an idea.
Use the simple, mundane moments as inspiration
I used to think that only the big milestones count as my inspiration – times I see my dreams fulfilled, major life changes, anything but the present. When I gave birth, I became impatient thinking that I can only get back on track with me pursuing my dreams once my child is in school. Now, I have learned that any time I maximise is a good time.
My child’s first smile, his first round of vaccinations, his first day out, his daily naps, his interactions with our dog Milo, the times he feeds, and his moments with his dad – these are a collection of memories I can always tap on for inspiration when I need one.
Kids grow up so fast, I’ve heard plenty of mums say. I have been learning that this is only for a season – who knows, there might even come a time when I can eventually collaborate with my child in creating. Now that’s a very exciting thought!
Needless to say, the past few years have been a whirlwind of events for everyone, including our family. From the pandemic to career changes to having our first child to now, having our first home.
Howell and I take pride in our capacity to lay out plans, set them in motion, and see it to completion.
From our first year in New Zealand, we already knew the things we wanted and made sure to plan them out so plans would move. We usually set a special day and place when we’ll just go out into nature and present our desires in prayer and discern which ones we are to pursue based on God’s leading. It has been amazing seeing all these desires come into fruition. One of those God has fulfilled is our desire for a home of our own.
In planning for our home, we knew it would entail diligent saving up of money and knowing our preferences even before we seek out for one. So we set up all our finances in a way that we have set up the amount of savings we’ll have and then work our expenses around it. We were not earning heaps but we were earning enough. We lived in a humble 2-bedroom flat for the first four years, planned for cost-effective but fun holidays, and generally lived way below our means during the years we were saving money.
Come 2020, we knew we were ready to pursue our first home. Now we all know what happened in the great year 2020. During the lockdown here in New Zealand, we had time to set our essentials and preferences for our first home. We knew that location is prime factor, options for expansion, and just generally good craftsmanship of the house. Straight after lockdown, we finally set our plans in motion. I remember asking the Lord for a powerful testimony from this process…
We asked friends, family members, and workmates of the things we need to consider, the hows of home loans, and just general knowledge of purchasing our first home. We were referred to a broker who also knows of an opportunity for a private sale – easy as! Unfortunately, none of the people we asked had any experience with a private sale!
A few days after our first meeting with the broker, we were already viewing the property. We knew that properties were on the upward trend then so we locked it in straight after we viewed it for a few minutes. A few weeks after, we already signed the Sale and Purchase Agreement – this was on September 2020. Again, easy as! The catch? We had to wait for the property to be subdivided prior to settlement.
We were promised just a few months for the subdivision to happen. Yep, we can deal with that. We just negotiated that we live in the property while the process of subdivision was being done. And so we moved to our home on March 2021. We were confident because we were a double income couple with no dependents, nothing we need to worry about.
Until…
A year after, year 2022, we were down to one income and we were expecting our miracle baby… Things have become so unpredictable. The processing dragged a while for a myriad of reasons we did not have control of. Add the changes to CCFA rolled out on December 2021, things looked bleak.
A few days before settlement, we received news that our home loan pre-approval wasn’t granted by the bank. To add to the injury, two other banks declined our home loan application. And not only was our 12% down payment no longer accepted, we had to have the full 20% down payment to secure a loan. We had to request for an extension of settlement as well because, how can anyone complete these requirements in a few days? Haha.
A family member helped us acquire the remaining 8%. After which, our settlement date extension was also granted, and we had to comply with the additional requirements by other banks for our home loan to be granted. Thanks to the people who have assisted us, and also to Kainga Ora for their first home grant, we got there in the end. The settlement came through yesterday, 16th June.
It was such an exciting and humbling experience for us. From being the ideal first home buyers, everything changed in just a year. We initially set out to independently purchase our first home without the help of anyone but ended up needing help from several generous and supportive people in our circles. We were not only given financial assistance, but were blessed with the wisdom of these people. A powerful testimony indeed! It wasn’t what we had, not our skills, not our financial management prowess alone brought us through this milestone. We knew God has walked before us and paved the way for us. He also used other people to help provide for what we needed. He has kept His promise in spite of the challenges, and we know we wouldn’t have it any other way…
I write this today from our three-bedroom home located in a private cul-de-sac, seconds away from the city centre, with also a couple of parks and beaches 15 to 30 minutes away. While I cannot give a home tour now because of the busyness of a first time mum, here are a couple of gorgeous sunsets visible from our place.
…The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.
It has been almost six years since we arrived on New Zealand’s shores. As someone who came from a tropical country, I have little appreciation for what seasons are and their significance to humans – which is apparently fairly significant. Seasons dictate your daily choices such as your clothing, food, holidays, and even your social activities.
I can, in hindsight, look at the events of my life, and connect them to a specific season as I have experienced it.
The first six years of our marriage has mostly ranged from autumn to winter to spring. We have toiled and built up our careers to the point that we were able to have a good harvest of our investments prior to having a child. We were able to save up and have a kickstart to prepare for the arrival of a child. We were able to enjoy each other’s company and got to know each other fairly well. It was a beautiful season we have now moved on from.
My pregnancy was summer-like. It was in the literal sense summer here in New Zealand – way too warm for my liking, but very sunshine-y and it held so many promises of a beautiful new season in our lives. I’d say it passed by quickly, but those nine months were very significant for us to mentally and emotionally prepare for this blessing of a new child in our family.
Now that our son has finally arrived, I know we are transitioning to a whole new season of which we know so little of. I’d say that since the start of my pregnancy, I have been learning to live life one day at a time. I remember celebrating every week I have carried him because my high risk pregnancy can bring a lot of good and bad surprises and I was really anxious I might give birth prematurely. Every weekly doctor’s appointment brought in different challenges for us. There was the potential cleft lip they saw in the scans, echogenic bowel, him being too small for his gestational age, and him being in the breech presentation. Week by week we had to watch out for these things and find how they will finally turn out. Fortunately, his breech presentation was the only issue that had a significance on us.
With Howell back to work and with me solely caring for Raphael for majority of the day, the value of living day by day made more and more sense to me. My compulsion to plan and to fix everything ahead of time are all out the window – there’s no planning everyday because I do not even know what time his next feed will be! It is frustrating not knowing what’s going to happen next.
For my art practice, I curently have 3 books in my pipeline – 2 of which I’m currently working on. I’m also building a body of work for my dream art exhibit.
Between everything I wanted to happen and my current reality of a first-time mum to a newborn, it’s like time has been suspended somewhere. I am at a loss and all I can do is live life daily – not out of choice but out of sheer need to preserve my sanity. I take small steps to get back to normal but it has been tough because I have real, physical bounds that stop me from going into full gear. I am stilll healing from my C-section and Raphael’s routines has not been established yet.
I have heard from more seasoned mums that I’d need to learn to cherish this season because it comes by so fast and that this is indeed just a season – it will pass eventually. My bubba will grow up fast and I can never turn back time and go back to how small he currently is. If this were all true, then maybe slowing down and being comfortable with the unkown is something I’d need to deal with for this season. How I’ll do it, I still do not know, but for now, I can decide to shut the computer down, breathe deeply, and maybe hug my son for a few moments longer…
Our son, Raphael, was born on 5th May 2022, 2:23PM, at Wellington Regional Hospital via elective C-section.
I was honestly hoping for a normal delivery for my fear of recovery after a C-section. I have heard stories of how easy the procedure was but how demanding and tedious it can be during recovery. At 32 weeks, it was explained to me that because of a high risk pregnancy, I cannot go beyond 38 weeks. Therefore, my options would be an induction or a C-section at either 37 or 38 weeks.
However, at 34 weeks, I was presented with a surprise from my dear Raphael that he flipped and that he was in a footling breech presentation. As I understood it, a vaginal delivery is still possible, but was not advisable in these cases and so I was offered either an ECV (External Cephalic Version – turning a breech baby) or an elective C-Section. I initially booked an ECV at 36 weeks but opted off it after careful discernment and discussions with fellow mums, friends, and family. There may be a reason why my bubba turned at 34 weeks and I will never know what that was but we chose not to meddle with whatever was going on in my tummy.
This, then, meant that an elective C-Section was my only option.
I was booked for a C-Section at 37 weeks and 4 days. I was given detailed instructions on how we would go about it. I did a blood test the day prior and put in a request for blood bags should I need it for the operation. I also took Omeprazole the night prior and the morning of the surgery. I was required to fast the night before the surgery and no liquids an hour before I come in the hospital.
On the day of the surgery, we arrived at around 7:20AM and was told that I was the only C-section booked for the day. However, as with any plan, some other things come up. I was bumped off twice because an emergency C-section was performed on another mum and a C-section booked the day prior was moved to the day of my surgery. I was then bumped to be the last one to have had the surgery. The only issue I had was being too thirsty, hungry, and anxious if the procedure was to push through that day or not.
Once they started preparing me, it only took a few minutes before I found myself in the theatre. I was immediately briefed on how my epidural would be done. The only time I felt pain was when the anesthesia was being injected on me – I felt sharp, stabbing pains on my spine area which lasted for a couple seconds. After which, everything from waist down went numb and the doctors were off to delivering my son. In about 10 minutes, Raphael was out. They stitched me back for about 30 minutes and then I was wheeled into the Recovery Room.
In the recovery room, they waited for my anesthesia to wear off. While waiting, they gave me an ice block, water, and a sandwich. I was so drowsy but wasn’t in any sort of pain. Once they saw my toes and my knees twitch, I was then brought to the postnatal ward. They constantly checked baby’s and my heart rate, oxygen levels, and glucose levels. It took two days for Raphael’s sugars to stabilise. On Day 2, I was supposed to be transferred to Kenepuru Hospital, one that’s nearer us, for my recovery. However, I was given the option to stay in Wellington Hospital or be discharged home instead – whichever I prefer. There wasn’t much trouble for us in choosing our options because healthcare in New Zealand is free – we just choose whatever works best for us. This was one of the things we greatly appreciated here. It would have cost us a fortune to carry and give birth to our dear one if we were in the Philippines.
Our movements were very limited in the hospital and so we chose to be discharged home instead. We invited my in-laws to our home that night so they will have an opportunity to meet baby as they were not allowed to visit the hospital due to Covid restrictions. It was great for them to have met baby and help us set up stuff that night. In the succeeding days, though, we decided it was best not to accept any visitors until I was fully recovered, which was graciously accepted by the people wanting to visit us. It was mentally and physically taxing for me to be receiving visitors as we were also trying to establish our breastfeeding routine and was waiting for my milk to come in.
I am writing this on Day 9 post partum. Milk came in at Day 4, midwife already visited us twice, my bleeding has subsided, and I am down to paracetamol for my pain relief. We took off my wound dressing already but everything is still sore. I still take things slow, walk and move very slowly. Howell took 2 weeks off work so he is currently in charge of everything house-related. We are all getting better everyday but it has been a very slow and gradual process. The adjustments are not just physical – it is mental, emotional, even spiritual.
At this point, we are just taking things one step at a time. I am personally looking forward to going on my daily walks with Howell and Milo, this time along with Raphael. I look forward to doing art again, moving freely without pain, meeting people again, this time with our first child in tow. Life is good, we couldn’t ask for more…
I’ve always liked preparing for things – events, holidays, school, projects, etc. It’s no surprise I carry the same enthusiasm in preparing for baby’s arrival. I’ve been reading books, forums, Mum groups, so that I’d know what to expect and what can make our lives way more manageable. One of the things I read was that it could tremendously help to have frozen meals ready for the first few weeks once the baby arrives.
And that’s exactly what we did! Last weekend, we were able to produce double serve of 43 frozen meals!
Here’s how we did it:
Have a list of the meals to be cooked and prioritise the order of cooking
I had to have varied choices of meals because I get tired of eating the same things over and over. We chose Filipino foods, a mix of vegetable and meat dishes. While completing the list, I have also factored in the time every dish cooks and which equipment I can use so that I can prioritise which to prepare first.
2. Do grocery shopping – preferably in places where you can bulk buy, especially the meats
We are fortunately located in the city centre so we are spoilt for choice with vegetable and meat shops so we were able to get the best prices for the ingredients we needed.
3. Clear a working space for chopping ingredients
We cleared 2 tables and the kitchen counter so that everything is organised. All cooking utenstils and equipment were washed as soon as they were used.
4. Have all cooking equipment ready.
Here is a list of the useful equipment we used. I don’t think it’s completely necessary to have these but it definitely did help for us to get things done.
Crock-Pot (for slow cook and pressure cook)
Vacuum food sealer
Upright freezer
Freestanding oven
5. Lay down and sort ingredients for each dish that needs to be prepared
6. Howell did the chopping of ingredients and packing of the cooked meals while I cooked up a storm and did the dishes
Having specific assignments for tasks makes everything easier. We also did assignments based on our strengths. Howell is great at organising things and dealing with spaces so he did the packing and clearing space in the freezer for storage while I cook well so I took it on.
We cooked 11 dishes for about 6 hours. Howell did the packing of meals for about 3 hours. Next time, though, I wouldn’t recommend doing this all in one go. It was too exhausting for both of us but I’m glad it’s all done now. We’re hoping these meals would tide us through for about over a month after baby arrives.
Happy to say I’m at 23 weeks now and the reality of the having the baby is finally sinking in! As I previously shared, I function as normal and didn’t have the usual aches and pains a pregnant woman can expect, which I’m so happy about. In spite of this dealing with pregnancy is not a walk in the park still.
Here are the things I have been experiencing so far:
Diabetes and my medications
I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019. It has been controlled so far with proper diet, exercise, and metformin. However, I learned that as a pregnant woman, it can be expected that my blood glucose levels can get out of whack so apart from metformin, I had to take both fast and long acting insulin.
I record my blood glucose levels before a meal and 2 hours after a meal, which meant pricking my fingers for a minimum of 6 times a day, not counting the times I go hypoglycemic. With my insulin, I take 1 fast acting one before every meal and twice a day of the long acting one, for a total of 5 injections a day.
It has been a challenge for me since I had to plan all my meals, time them, and adjust my day’s schedule to get my sugars in control all the time. I empathise with mums who work full time! I work from home and yet this challenges me still!
A diabetes nurse monitors my sugars once a week and adjusts my meds depending on my readings. Happy to note that my numbers have been really good the past few weeks.
Food
Apart from all the food you need to avoid while pregnant, I had to adjust my meals to suit the baby’s nutritional needs and my carbs and sugar requirements. This one has been a biggie since day 1 I learned about the pregnancy because I am not used to eating vegetables and I also get hungry all the time! One thing that helped is having a plan.
All my meals and even snacks are planned. I have a limited choice of snacks I can choose from so I didn’t have to think about food all the time and so they’d always be ready when I need one. It’s a great thing that my husband has been cooperating with this diet in a sense that he eats what I eat. It would have been way more difficult if he’s a picky eater who’d want to eat what he wants when he wants it!
Exercise
To manage my blood glucose levels, I also incorporate exercise into my day. Even prior to getting pregnant, I have been walking twice a day with my dog and swim about 3 to 4 times a week. I have kept this routine to this day but I give myself permission not to exercise on days I feel tired. I also do resistance exercises recommended by my trainor who’s a mum herself.
It has kept my moods in control and I found that my energy levels are consistent throughout the day because of this! Bonus is that it keeps me from experiencing aches and pains I’d normally have if I didn’t exercise!
Sleep
One new thing I have been dealing with at the moment is difficulty sleeping. I usually sleep face front and I just learnt that you are suppose to sleep on your left side when you are pregnant because it’s best for the baby and man it has been a challenge for me! To help with my sleep issues, I’d usually keep a book beside me that I can read when I couldn’t sleep and if it doesn’t work, I just sleep sitting down!
Preparations for the baby
We are blessed to have friends and family who already have kids. My sister-in-law has 2 boys and we have seasoned mums at church who have all been so generous giving away their baby stuff to the point that we only had to purchase a pram and a bottle sanitiser for baby. Everything has been provided for by these wonderful mums!
I am already halfway there and each day, I grow more confident that this is doable. It is challenging but I have an entire village who would be there rallying with me and supporting me any way they can.
HandsVentures NZ 