I get questions like this these days and it’s honestly a complex question there’s no one answer to.
I get asked when I’m coming back to work and if not soon, when? I know the people who have asked me meant well but I just find it difficult to give answers.
So I decided to write this to clarify this question even for myself.
I worked as a Marketing Manager for four years and had my online K-beauty products shop but decided to close shop upon learning of my pregnancy.
These days, I can always say I am an artist. I am, however, a bit uncomfortable with that label (but maybe just a case of imposter syndrome) as I have not been earning since I gave birth.
So what do I do?
Let me start with my what and why.
The biggest roles I have for now are a wife and a mum as I have an almost 10-month-old adorable boy at the time of writing. It has been a deliberate decision for me to stay home and work fully from home so that I can 100% focus on raising our little bubba. It is uncommon these days because of the economic climate but my husband earns enough and I am very prudent with my expenditures.
On a daily basis, I am, for the most part, a mum. However, I chose to continue pursuing my dreams in spite of this extremely busy period of my life.
So what work do I do? Currently, I am building a career in arts and am studying further for another art-related career so that I do not have to 100% rely on selling artworks for a living.
One of the big projects I am working on this year is my solo show which runs from the 11th to the 16th of May. The exhibition is an exploration of my postpartum experiences and how I have chosen to move forward and continue living my dream life. Having a child shouldn’t be a roadblock for women to pursue their passions. I am looking forward to a future with empowered mums and I am hoping to contribute to building that future.
As for my solo show, keep your eyes peeled on this space for further details! This is such an exciting and anxiety-inducing endeavour but I know it will be worth it!
I was inspired to create similar works from the The Days are Long painting I recently did. I’m honestly motivated to create a series exploring more on my postpartum journey using these skyscapes. And so this second work was born!
I called it Everybody’s Moved… but Me.
This was inspired mainly by my reaction to social media posts I’ve seen of my friends and acquaintances. Since mums of newborns don’t have much of a choice in terms of things to do, it’s easy to turn to one’s phone and scroll our time away. I was active and spent heaps of time outside the house prior to giving birth and so the sudden slow pace really got to me.
Seeing other people go about their normal routines is enough to make me super jealous. It felt like everything was as normal for the world I know and there I was watching everything go by. Everybody seemed to be moving… but me.
With the intention of this being a series, I used skyscapes, yet again, to illustrate this experience. I particularly like the colours I used here and making gradients through oils is such a satisfying experience!
I heard a lecture before that ancient civilisations were formed and thrived using ideas – ideas that people shared amongst themselves. I never got my head around that concept but it’s starting to make sense to me now.
Time and again I have found that good conversations have a great impact on me. Some conversations benefit you by being comforted from a painful thing you’re going through. Some can be consoling because you get to feel heard and seen and understood. Some bring clarity.
That’s exactly the one I experienced after speaking with my husband the other night.
I was having a lot of anxiety over the idea of “starting again” by trying to establish an art career. I know that starting things from scratch can especially feel daunting but I have not been able to put my finger on the exact triggers of my anxieties until I had this conversation with my husband.
We were able to pinpoint my very valid and logical reasons, which is a good topic for another day, but the point is that by digging deeper through a free flow of ideas flushed out a good deal of information I can use to move forward.
Together, we found solutions to seemingly huge issues, which are apparently easier to deal with just a change in perspective. We’ve sifted emotions versus facts floating through my brain. We’ve figured out items we really have no control over. Thus, we’ve come to realise that some items would just boil down to acceptance – that I may fail or may be rejected, but coming to grips that this is a possibility better prepares me mentally and emotionally to learn from some experiences and move on. Coming up with actual, doable solutions have also helped me get out of my paralysis and return to taking baby steps again.
All these we got from a 2-hour conversation.
Sharing ideas through conversing can indeed build civilisations. It is powerful because what our brains consume, it processes. Whatever information we process, we can choose to act on it or leave it.
Either way, it affects us.
And conversations could either be good or bad. Therefore, it is good to choose good conversations and trusted confidantes to share with because bad ones can affect you as powerfully.
Who knows, your next big thing may just be right around the corner, waiting to be uncovered by a single conversation?
So if you have time today, maybe you can try to engage in a conversation over a hot cuppa with a trusted friend or partner or parent, or sibling – see what power your next conversation may bring.
It has taken quite a while for me to write to you again. It has been a whirlwind since the day we found out about you.
A team of medical specialists have been taking care of both you and me. Moving to NZ was one of the best decisions we’ve made. We don’t know how it will be if we were in the Philippines because really, your Mummy’s body isn’t the healthiest.
I’ve been anxious the past weeks because the first sonographer who saw you thought you had a cleft lip. I mean I’ll still accept you even now for who you will be or what you will look like but I’m worried it’ll be an unnecessary burden for you as you grow. Anyway, the last scan said you are all clear. You might just have been blowing bubbles in Mummy’s tummy then.
Whatever you become, I hope you find and know and love Jesus the way your Dad and I have. I hope you model your life from Him because it will be the single most important decision you will do in life – everything else will flow from that relationship.
I hope you become the best version of you. I hope to raise you as a discerning, kind, and loving man who will choose to do what is right and noble no matter how difficult. I pray even now that God gives me the grace to forgive you at times that you will hurt me. And just the same, I hope you learn to forgive your Dad and I in times that we hurt you. Forgiveness has been the toughest lesson I had to learn and it has taken so much from my life without me knowing it.
Hang in there, my precious one. I will try my best to be healthy so that you will be, too. I am jumping with joy because you are alive.
With joyful anticipation,
Your Mum
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
I feel better today. Still getting used to the idea that I am not alone anymore – I have you to think about.
To be honest, I still think the tests are inaccurate, but all my other bodily symptoms and changes tell me otherwise. You are real and I hope to take care of you.
Help me to eat food that you need, because Mum doesn’t have the healthiest taste in food. I just want you to be healthy.
I am challenged by the idea of raising you. I want to give you all the wonderful things life can bring. I want you to grow in love, knowing the warmth of a real home.
I pray, even now, that you get to know God, and love Him deeply, personally. Know that God is real, no matter what circumstances dictate.
I am sorry for bringing you in such a broken world – I hope you’d be a form of light this current darkness needs.
I love you even now. Hang in there.
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
I have had issues with mental health even before becoming a mum so I am proactive to take certain steps to ensure that I have time for self-care. Over the past year, I have learnt of things that calm, comfort, and energise me – that’s eating healthy, swimming, walking outdoors, and making art, to name a few.
I knew even during pregnancy that I have to take deliberate steps to still continue taking care of myself as I enter the crazy busy life of motherhood. It’s a good thing I am blessed with a husband who cares about these things as much as I do.
We’ve nailed down eating healthy with weekly meal preps and having healthy snacks handy at home. With my art, I “steal” quiet times to create. I do sketches which take me about 5 to 10 minutes to create. I draw what I see. I take pictures of the sky, which can be seen through our glass doors, when I see interesting cloud formations and gorgeous sunset views. I do digital art at night when Howell is in charge of caring for Raphael. I write these blogs when Raphael sleeps according to his sleep schedule.
On Fridays, Howell works from home so I can go out and do whatever it is that will make me feel human again. I have a stash of expressed breastmilk so Howell can feed Raphael if he ever gets hungry while I’m out. I usually get about 2-3 hours of alone time. I use this time to swim and do the groceries. Didn’t know how relaxing doing groceries can be until now!
When weather is good, Raphael and I join Howell and Milo for Milo’s everyday walks. It’s just a bit upsetting these days because it’s been raining since autumn almost everyday, but we make sure to go out every single time the sun shines. I hope summer brings heaps of opportunities for more walks with the whole family.
When all these little things are added up, they make a huge contribution to my wellbeing, which directly impacts my capacity to care for Howell, Raphael, and even Milo. I used to think that thinking of yourself as a mother is selfish but really, you cannot pour from an empty vessel. I am able to give because my cup is always filled. Thank God for a loving and caring husband!
If I haven’t mentioned it enough, I am a first time mum to a now 2-month old baby.
I am currently studying for a Diploma in Creativity and I have been taking really small steps to establish a career in art while doing my studies because studying art is not really a pre-requisite for an art career. I am not fully set on the path I wish to pursue but I just keep on creating for now with the goal of forging my own path someday soon.
I used to think that having a child meant automatically abandoning this goal of mine but with encouragement from other artists and other mums, I realised it shouldn’t be the case.
Thus far, here are the things I have learned and have been helping me push through with these small steps to achieving my goal.
Be intentional
Unlike my previous process where I stay at my studio and wait for inspiration to strike, I now have a list of things and ideas I can implement when I find the small windows of time where I can work. Every opportunity is an opportunity to create so I have to be intentional on how I spend my limited time. These days, I’m fortunate enough to have an hour to spare at a time while baby is asleep because I also do chores and self-care in between.
Use the limited resources that you have
It’s a chore altogether just to get to my studio and set things up so I gathered a limited number of supplies I can easily reach and stored them in our lounge so I can easily set things to action. I found that having a limited number of supplies allows me to better focus as well. Sadly, I am not able to use any wet media, my favourite go-tos, at the moment because of how tedious it is to set it up. I am learning new ways to create because dry media isn’t something I’m used to. Here’s to learning new things!
Keep an accessible avenue to store your ideas
I used to write most of my ideas on my visual diary. However, as I’m usually on my feet, I found it easier to write my ideas on my phone instead. It is so convenient to have all my ideas in one place because I can easily jump onto any creative project and easily execute an idea.
Use the simple, mundane moments as inspiration
I used to think that only the big milestones count as my inspiration – times I see my dreams fulfilled, major life changes, anything but the present. When I gave birth, I became impatient thinking that I can only get back on track with me pursuing my dreams once my child is in school. Now, I have learned that any time I maximise is a good time.
My child’s first smile, his first round of vaccinations, his first day out, his daily naps, his interactions with our dog Milo, the times he feeds, and his moments with his dad – these are a collection of memories I can always tap on for inspiration when I need one.
Kids grow up so fast, I’ve heard plenty of mums say. I have been learning that this is only for a season – who knows, there might even come a time when I can eventually collaborate with my child in creating. Now that’s a very exciting thought!
Needless to say, the past few years have been a whirlwind of events for everyone, including our family. From the pandemic to career changes to having our first child to now, having our first home.
Howell and I take pride in our capacity to lay out plans, set them in motion, and see it to completion.
From our first year in New Zealand, we already knew the things we wanted and made sure to plan them out so plans would move. We usually set a special day and place when we’ll just go out into nature and present our desires in prayer and discern which ones we are to pursue based on God’s leading. It has been amazing seeing all these desires come into fruition. One of those God has fulfilled is our desire for a home of our own.
In planning for our home, we knew it would entail diligent saving up of money and knowing our preferences even before we seek out for one. So we set up all our finances in a way that we have set up the amount of savings we’ll have and then work our expenses around it. We were not earning heaps but we were earning enough. We lived in a humble 2-bedroom flat for the first four years, planned for cost-effective but fun holidays, and generally lived way below our means during the years we were saving money.
Come 2020, we knew we were ready to pursue our first home. Now we all know what happened in the great year 2020. During the lockdown here in New Zealand, we had time to set our essentials and preferences for our first home. We knew that location is prime factor, options for expansion, and just generally good craftsmanship of the house. Straight after lockdown, we finally set our plans in motion. I remember asking the Lord for a powerful testimony from this process…
We asked friends, family members, and workmates of the things we need to consider, the hows of home loans, and just general knowledge of purchasing our first home. We were referred to a broker who also knows of an opportunity for a private sale – easy as! Unfortunately, none of the people we asked had any experience with a private sale!
A few days after our first meeting with the broker, we were already viewing the property. We knew that properties were on the upward trend then so we locked it in straight after we viewed it for a few minutes. A few weeks after, we already signed the Sale and Purchase Agreement – this was on September 2020. Again, easy as! The catch? We had to wait for the property to be subdivided prior to settlement.
We were promised just a few months for the subdivision to happen. Yep, we can deal with that. We just negotiated that we live in the property while the process of subdivision was being done. And so we moved to our home on March 2021. We were confident because we were a double income couple with no dependents, nothing we need to worry about.
Until…
A year after, year 2022, we were down to one income and we were expecting our miracle baby… Things have become so unpredictable. The processing dragged a while for a myriad of reasons we did not have control of. Add the changes to CCFA rolled out on December 2021, things looked bleak.
A few days before settlement, we received news that our home loan pre-approval wasn’t granted by the bank. To add to the injury, two other banks declined our home loan application. And not only was our 12% down payment no longer accepted, we had to have the full 20% down payment to secure a loan. We had to request for an extension of settlement as well because, how can anyone complete these requirements in a few days? Haha.
A family member helped us acquire the remaining 8%. After which, our settlement date extension was also granted, and we had to comply with the additional requirements by other banks for our home loan to be granted. Thanks to the people who have assisted us, and also to Kainga Ora for their first home grant, we got there in the end. The settlement came through yesterday, 16th June.
It was such an exciting and humbling experience for us. From being the ideal first home buyers, everything changed in just a year. We initially set out to independently purchase our first home without the help of anyone but ended up needing help from several generous and supportive people in our circles. We were not only given financial assistance, but were blessed with the wisdom of these people. A powerful testimony indeed! It wasn’t what we had, not our skills, not our financial management prowess alone brought us through this milestone. We knew God has walked before us and paved the way for us. He also used other people to help provide for what we needed. He has kept His promise in spite of the challenges, and we know we wouldn’t have it any other way…
I write this today from our three-bedroom home located in a private cul-de-sac, seconds away from the city centre, with also a couple of parks and beaches 15 to 30 minutes away. While I cannot give a home tour now because of the busyness of a first time mum, here are a couple of gorgeous sunsets visible from our place.
…The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does.
It has been almost six years since we arrived on New Zealand’s shores. As someone who came from a tropical country, I have little appreciation for what seasons are and their significance to humans – which is apparently fairly significant. Seasons dictate your daily choices such as your clothing, food, holidays, and even your social activities.
I can, in hindsight, look at the events of my life, and connect them to a specific season as I have experienced it.
The first six years of our marriage has mostly ranged from autumn to winter to spring. We have toiled and built up our careers to the point that we were able to have a good harvest of our investments prior to having a child. We were able to save up and have a kickstart to prepare for the arrival of a child. We were able to enjoy each other’s company and got to know each other fairly well. It was a beautiful season we have now moved on from.
My pregnancy was summer-like. It was in the literal sense summer here in New Zealand – way too warm for my liking, but very sunshine-y and it held so many promises of a beautiful new season in our lives. I’d say it passed by quickly, but those nine months were very significant for us to mentally and emotionally prepare for this blessing of a new child in our family.
Now that our son has finally arrived, I know we are transitioning to a whole new season of which we know so little of. I’d say that since the start of my pregnancy, I have been learning to live life one day at a time. I remember celebrating every week I have carried him because my high risk pregnancy can bring a lot of good and bad surprises and I was really anxious I might give birth prematurely. Every weekly doctor’s appointment brought in different challenges for us. There was the potential cleft lip they saw in the scans, echogenic bowel, him being too small for his gestational age, and him being in the breech presentation. Week by week we had to watch out for these things and find how they will finally turn out. Fortunately, his breech presentation was the only issue that had a significance on us.
With Howell back to work and with me solely caring for Raphael for majority of the day, the value of living day by day made more and more sense to me. My compulsion to plan and to fix everything ahead of time are all out the window – there’s no planning everyday because I do not even know what time his next feed will be! It is frustrating not knowing what’s going to happen next.
For my art practice, I curently have 3 books in my pipeline – 2 of which I’m currently working on. I’m also building a body of work for my dream art exhibit.
Between everything I wanted to happen and my current reality of a first-time mum to a newborn, it’s like time has been suspended somewhere. I am at a loss and all I can do is live life daily – not out of choice but out of sheer need to preserve my sanity. I take small steps to get back to normal but it has been tough because I have real, physical bounds that stop me from going into full gear. I am stilll healing from my C-section and Raphael’s routines has not been established yet.
I have heard from more seasoned mums that I’d need to learn to cherish this season because it comes by so fast and that this is indeed just a season – it will pass eventually. My bubba will grow up fast and I can never turn back time and go back to how small he currently is. If this were all true, then maybe slowing down and being comfortable with the unkown is something I’d need to deal with for this season. How I’ll do it, I still do not know, but for now, I can decide to shut the computer down, breathe deeply, and maybe hug my son for a few moments longer…
Our son, Raphael, was born on 5th May 2022, 2:23PM, at Wellington Regional Hospital via elective C-section.
I was honestly hoping for a normal delivery for my fear of recovery after a C-section. I have heard stories of how easy the procedure was but how demanding and tedious it can be during recovery. At 32 weeks, it was explained to me that because of a high risk pregnancy, I cannot go beyond 38 weeks. Therefore, my options would be an induction or a C-section at either 37 or 38 weeks.
However, at 34 weeks, I was presented with a surprise from my dear Raphael that he flipped and that he was in a footling breech presentation. As I understood it, a vaginal delivery is still possible, but was not advisable in these cases and so I was offered either an ECV (External Cephalic Version – turning a breech baby) or an elective C-Section. I initially booked an ECV at 36 weeks but opted off it after careful discernment and discussions with fellow mums, friends, and family. There may be a reason why my bubba turned at 34 weeks and I will never know what that was but we chose not to meddle with whatever was going on in my tummy.
This, then, meant that an elective C-Section was my only option.
I was booked for a C-Section at 37 weeks and 4 days. I was given detailed instructions on how we would go about it. I did a blood test the day prior and put in a request for blood bags should I need it for the operation. I also took Omeprazole the night prior and the morning of the surgery. I was required to fast the night before the surgery and no liquids an hour before I come in the hospital.
On the day of the surgery, we arrived at around 7:20AM and was told that I was the only C-section booked for the day. However, as with any plan, some other things come up. I was bumped off twice because an emergency C-section was performed on another mum and a C-section booked the day prior was moved to the day of my surgery. I was then bumped to be the last one to have had the surgery. The only issue I had was being too thirsty, hungry, and anxious if the procedure was to push through that day or not.
Once they started preparing me, it only took a few minutes before I found myself in the theatre. I was immediately briefed on how my epidural would be done. The only time I felt pain was when the anesthesia was being injected on me – I felt sharp, stabbing pains on my spine area which lasted for a couple seconds. After which, everything from waist down went numb and the doctors were off to delivering my son. In about 10 minutes, Raphael was out. They stitched me back for about 30 minutes and then I was wheeled into the Recovery Room.
In the recovery room, they waited for my anesthesia to wear off. While waiting, they gave me an ice block, water, and a sandwich. I was so drowsy but wasn’t in any sort of pain. Once they saw my toes and my knees twitch, I was then brought to the postnatal ward. They constantly checked baby’s and my heart rate, oxygen levels, and glucose levels. It took two days for Raphael’s sugars to stabilise. On Day 2, I was supposed to be transferred to Kenepuru Hospital, one that’s nearer us, for my recovery. However, I was given the option to stay in Wellington Hospital or be discharged home instead – whichever I prefer. There wasn’t much trouble for us in choosing our options because healthcare in New Zealand is free – we just choose whatever works best for us. This was one of the things we greatly appreciated here. It would have cost us a fortune to carry and give birth to our dear one if we were in the Philippines.
Our movements were very limited in the hospital and so we chose to be discharged home instead. We invited my in-laws to our home that night so they will have an opportunity to meet baby as they were not allowed to visit the hospital due to Covid restrictions. It was great for them to have met baby and help us set up stuff that night. In the succeeding days, though, we decided it was best not to accept any visitors until I was fully recovered, which was graciously accepted by the people wanting to visit us. It was mentally and physically taxing for me to be receiving visitors as we were also trying to establish our breastfeeding routine and was waiting for my milk to come in.
I am writing this on Day 9 post partum. Milk came in at Day 4, midwife already visited us twice, my bleeding has subsided, and I am down to paracetamol for my pain relief. We took off my wound dressing already but everything is still sore. I still take things slow, walk and move very slowly. Howell took 2 weeks off work so he is currently in charge of everything house-related. We are all getting better everyday but it has been a very slow and gradual process. The adjustments are not just physical – it is mental, emotional, even spiritual.
At this point, we are just taking things one step at a time. I am personally looking forward to going on my daily walks with Howell and Milo, this time along with Raphael. I look forward to doing art again, moving freely without pain, meeting people again, this time with our first child in tow. Life is good, we couldn’t ask for more…
HandsVentures NZ 