Tag: Family

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Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 7

28 June 2022

My dearest Raphael,

I know you’ve been extra clingy the past two weeks because you were sick. Tonight was different, though. You held my face for the first time. You made sure I was beside you just before you slept.

I felt so loved, my child. It’s like my heart is bursting with so much happiness because I simply am your mum. It’s such a privilege to be entrusted with a child like you.

You are compassionate, cooperative, kind, and affectionate. I love seeing you grow.

I might have had doubts about being your mum, but those doubts seem so little now that I am getting to know you more.

I want to stay by your side for as long as I can, my son. You are my treasure. 

May you know and accept how loved you are – by us, your parents, by God, and by so many other people I can not even count.

You still have so much in store for you. For now, sleep well knowing that we are here and God’s angels are watching over you. May you dream wonderful dreams tonight.

Yours forever,

Mum

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Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 6

8 June 2022

My Dearest Raphael,

It has been a little more than a month since you were born. Those weeks have been really tough for your dad and me. Apart from my recovery and our adjustments to having you, life seemed to have thrown another curve ball, which is the long-awaited settlement of our home.

At the time I’m writing this, we are still in the process of waiting for my Kiwisaver to be processed and our home loan to be approved. I cannot begin to describe how mentally and physically draining these all are.

Somehow, in the midst of these issues, you have been the ray of sunshine who gives me reasons to hope and to continue fighting. Earlier this evening, as your dad and Milo did their normal evening walks, I somehow had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect you, of wanting to give you all the love I can possibly ever give.

I am surprised at how little you are yet how big your effect had been in our lives. I love you, my child. I hope you will grow knowing how loved and valuable you are to us. You have saved me in so many ways, my child. I have no words to describe how, you just did. I will forever be grateful for the gift of you.

Yours forever,

Mum

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Art Practice Family

My Recent Work: The Days are Long

The Days are Long, Triptych 16 “x 20”, oil on canvas

Prior to giving birth, I was working on a printmaking project which I never completed. It is a detailed piece which I never had the capacity to complete when I gave birth.

Within three months postpartum, I still was not able to create so I chose to take photos of the things around me when I can. One of the type of photos I took were of the skyscapes that can be viewed from our glass doors.

On my fourth month postpartum, I had more time to think about what I wanted to do. I wanted to process the beautiful photos of skyscapes I took so I experimented on a number of things and settled on painting it.

My recent work is a triptych oil painting on canvas. I have dabbled with oils several times but it’s just now that I’ve done a proper piece with it. It works well with my process since I usually work when baby is down on his day naps so oils suit because I can just leave the paint and resume work when possible.

The Days are Long explores my postpartum experience. The heavy, dark borders appeal to the sense of being boxed in. The black and white illustrative lines contrast with the bold colours and strokes of the skyscape. This depicts the stark contrast of the dullness of staying put at home and the colourful world right before me. The different skyscape styles and colours indicate the passage of time. It seemed during those months that my life was at a standstill while I watch the world go by.

I am writing this six months postpartum and things have already changed. It’s amazing to look back at this experience and see that things do improve. The days feel long but my wee one is becoming more independent day by day. It is wonderful to have an avenue to record these experiences and I would love to create more of them in the coming months.

What did you think of this piece? Any constructive feedback is welcome!

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Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 5

3 May 2022

My Dearest Raphael,

Two days from now, we will get to hold you in our arms. Mummy will have an elective c-section because you will be born in breech position. We are both excited and nervous but we’re more excited than ever. We have waited so long for you, my child.

Your very existence is a gift. I do not know what the future will bring or how difficult things will be for us, but I believe that the joy of having you will be greater than any struggle we will ever have.

You are loved way more than you could ever imagine. I have loved you even before you were ever conceived. Imagine our joy when we found out that you’re already on the way!

I have no words to ever describe what I feel right now but you are one of the Lord’s greatest blessings to us. Hang in there. We’ll see you very soon.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

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Categories
Musings

An Ode to Divergent Paths and Lasting Friendships

I couldn’t remember the context now but as Howell and I were driving a few weeks ago, we went down memory lane and talked about the friendships we had when we were back in the Philippines.

There were so much simple yet precious moments we had then. We were talking about how easy it was to just call on our friends to come over whenever we wanted to and how having friends then were something that came naturally for me.

We remembered how at one point, our friends and I dreamt of living next to each other or maybe having a holiday home together.

I vividly remembered I think it was the last Valentine’s Day we spent with them. Howell and I were already married during this time. We just wanted to hang out with them so we invited them for a barbecue at home. It was funny because we didn’t even have a proper barbecue equipment but we made do with a DIY one. We had BBQ and I remember jamming with them under the stars while one of us played the guitar. It was simple. It was wonderful.

I kept in touch with them when we left for New Zealand but distance separates. We communicated less and eventually, naturally, chose divergent paths. Four of them are married now, including my sister. I still get to chat with some of them once in a while and I see updates of how they are on social media but that’s about it.

I did a sobfest after that conversation with Howell because I remembered how I treasured those friendships. I miss how it was, but the conclusion of our conversation was that I do not regret a thing. If anything, I am glad I got to experience a colourful life as a young person because I had them then.

They may or may not read this but if you ever do, know that I think about you guys sometimes. Nothing has replaced our adventures and misadventures. Life was simple then but I had the greatest, most memorable moments with you. I hope you are all living your lives to the fullest! Who knows, our divergent paths may cross again someday! Until then, save your stories so that we’ll have heaps to talk and laugh about…

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Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 4

23 February 2022

Dear Raphael,

Ever since I learned of your existence, I’ve been learning so much more about myself, life, your Dad, and where God is in all these. Never have I ever been so unsure of what life will bring until you turned up.

These days, I am learning to live life day by day and to make each of those days count, because they do. Everyday counts, especially if you’re a baby developing in your mother’s womb. What I do, what I eat, what I feel affects you in so many ways and I only want to give what’s best for you at the same time balancing what’s good for me.

Never have I grasped my lack of control until now. No one knows when or how you will arrive and even that drives me nuts, my child. You will be born in a pandemic that truly shocked and changed the whole world and I do not know how to feel about that. We are blessed to be in a country that has plenty of resources and so much support from the government and our greater community – in your parents’ case, mainly the church.

I do not know when or if you will get to meet your grandma and auntie in the Philippines but that is a whole different topic altogether.

In all these, I am learning that I can only turn to the One who has numbered all our days, to the One who has loved you even before you were conceived. He willed you into being and His huge hands and generous love will see us through. Whatever uncertainty the future holds is certain for Him who hold all things together. I hope that even now, you will feel and know and claim that He is there, always has been.

I am very excited to meet you in spite of all my fears. Hang in there, son. Few months more and I will get to have the privilege of holding you in my arms. Even now, you are loved and cherished.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

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Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 3

14 December 2022

It has taken quite a while for me to write to you again. It has been a whirlwind since the day we found out about you.

A team of medical specialists have been taking care of both you and me. Moving to NZ was one of the best decisions we’ve made. We don’t know how it will be if we were in the Philippines because really, your Mummy’s body isn’t the healthiest.

I’ve been anxious the past weeks because the first sonographer who saw you thought you had a cleft lip. I mean I’ll still accept you even now for who you will be or what you will look like but I’m worried it’ll be an unnecessary burden for you as you grow. Anyway, the last scan said you are all clear. You might just have been blowing bubbles in Mummy’s tummy then.

Whatever you become, I hope you find and know and love Jesus the way your Dad and I have. I hope you model your life from Him because it will be the single most important decision you will do in life – everything else will flow from that relationship.

I hope you become the best version of you. I hope to raise you as a discerning, kind, and loving man who will choose to do what is right and noble no matter how difficult. I pray even now that God gives me the grace to forgive you at times that you will hurt me. And just the same, I hope you learn to forgive your Dad and I in times that we hurt you. Forgiveness has been the toughest lesson I had to learn and it has taken so much from my life without me knowing it.

Hang in there, my precious one. I will try my best to be healthy so that you will be, too. I am jumping with joy because you are alive.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

Categories
Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 2

12 November 2021

Dear Baby,

I feel better today. Still getting used to the idea that I am not alone anymore – I have you to think about.

To be honest, I still think the tests are inaccurate, but all my other bodily symptoms and changes tell me otherwise. You are real and I hope to take care of you.

Help me to eat food that you need, because Mum doesn’t have the healthiest taste in food. I just want you to be healthy.

I am challenged by the idea of raising you. I want to give you all the wonderful things life can bring. I want you to grow in love, knowing the warmth of a real home.

I pray, even now, that you get to know God, and love Him deeply, personally. Know that God is real, no matter what circumstances dictate.

I am sorry for bringing you in such a broken world – I hope you’d be a form of light this current darkness needs.

I love you even now. Hang in there.

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

Categories
Family Musings

Squeezing what you can, when you can

My son usually sleeps through to 8AM for the past few months but he has just about changed his routine to include waking up at around 6AM to sleeping again at around 7/7:30AM through to 10AM.

What does this mean for me?

I adjust my painting/ working time based on my son’s schedule because during the day, he just won’t allow me to put him down for more than 30 minutes. I work during his wake times because I can walk around using a baby carrier.

His change in sleep routine means I am free to do anything from 7 to 10AM! What an opportunity! So today, I woke up, had breakfast with my husband, did a second coating of my primer for my new painting, and have now written a blog about this.

A year ago, I’d say you’re dreaming if you have coerced me to do even one of those things in less than an hour!

What I’ve learned, as a mum, is that you squeeze what you can when you can. Any time you have to yourself is golden. Today, I have done the things that bring me joy even before my son wakes up, and it’s exhilarating! I love being productive and it also allows me to take care of him guilt-free during the day. Accomplishing these things take my feelings of guilt for not doing the things I think I’m supposed to be doing instead of being tied down solely to taking care of my bubba.

I love taking care of him but I know that I have to fight for these “free times” for my own mental health and it does feel good to give time the value it deserves.

So whoever you are, whatever you are on to today, I hope you wake up with enthusiasm that you have one of the most valuable resources available to us: time. Use it to bring yourself joy today. Use it to be productive. Use it to make someone else happy. Whatever you do, use it! It is precious and time deserves to be given the value it deserves. Good day!

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Family Letters to Raphael

Letters to Raphael – 1

This is another series I am launching in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

11 November 2021

Dear Baby,

Not sure yet if this is real but I tested posivite twice today – first with an expired pregnancy kit, then second with a kit your dad bought at a supermarket.

You caught us by surprise, you cheeky little bugger. I was just accepting the possibility that I may never have you.

I am honestly anxious – because you see, Mum hasn’t been at her healthiest since we moved here to NZ. I am obese with a recent diabetes diagnosis, even writing it down shrouds me with so much shame.

I do not know if I am capable of raising you. I want you to be healthy but how do I start it when the vessel I’m carrying you with seems so broken?

I have just learned to be selfish and I’d say I quite liked it. You see, I grew up laying my life for other people. I’ve said yes even when people have worn me down.

Your Dad gave me that freedom to say no – when things are already toxic, when people are already disrespecting me, when people take advantage of me.

I’ve focused on my passion: arts. I’m actually in the middle of my studies, my child, and it feels like my life is being taken away from me once again.

Even now, I am sorry for feeling this. I know, in time, I will truly, fully love you because you are God’s gift to us.

For now, I hope you hang in there. I will try my best to mend this broken vessel. Do not be shy to take anything you need from me.

I love you.

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