We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.
Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!
It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.
I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.
Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.
Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…
Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…
People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.
However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.
I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.
…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.
It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.
But God knows how to meet me where I am…
I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.
The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.
My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!
Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.
This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.
One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.
I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.
He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.
In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…
I have a pattern in my creative life where I am extremely productive and highly creative, then get to a dormant season where even though I continue creating, I do get a bit unproductive and then head to a phase where to reignite my creativity, I learn something new, and then head on to a new project reenergised and in full blast.
I am so close to the new project phase now but my dormant phase has been very interesting.
In my last dormant phase, I learnt how to make sourdough and have been making it since. We rarely buy store-bought bread now.
This time, I learnt two things: sumi-e ink painting and gardening.
Sumi-e Ink Painting
With the sumi-e ink, I was guided by a book I purchased ages ago. It’s called The Art of Sumi-E by Naomi Okamoto. I liked it because the method of learning is by copying the paintings presented in the book. I didn’t have to think hard and create when my creative juices were running dry. I just had to learn by copying.
The three things I loved were:
You get to create complete artworks with a few strokes. It works well with the way I work.
It is meditative. Since every stroke matters, I was able to be present while creating. My mind wasn’t racing to be elsewhere while I was doing it.
The paintings do not need grounding. It uses negative space to suggest a background to each painting. I love it because backgrounds are honestly my weakness. I hyper-focus on a subject, and rarely do I think about backgrounds when completing a painting.
Below are some of my favourites.
For a few months, I have only been doing these exercises, and it got me prepared to dive back in to my own practice again.
Gardening
The other thing I have learnt is gardening. People close to me know how awful I am with gardening. Even the hardiest plants wilt in my care. I’m unsure why I gave it another chance this time.
To soften the blow, I started planting herbs from seeds. This way, the initial expenses are not that much and I can just plant the seeds I have over and over until I get it right.
When my spring onions, chives, and mini leeks grew, I became bolder, and I tried to grow napa cabbage and tomatoes—both seeds randomly chosen by my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this to start with. I cannot remember why he encouraged me, but he might have some regrets now that we have a full-blown vege garden in our backyard.
At the time of writing, we now have a herb garden, a mandarin shrub, and a kalanchoe on our deck. In our backyard, we have a lemon tree, 2 avocado trees, coffee tree, lavender, tomatoes, kangkong, kumara, garlic, onion, ginger, spinach, lettuce, blueberries, strawberries, snake beans, and eggplant, which are all on raised beds and pots. I am awaiting about 15 more seedlings for planting in autumn and I plan to set up an apple and feijoa tree in winter and olive and fig tree in the summer.
Plants on Deck
Backyard
Being the kind of person I am, the drive to plant edibles is strong because I like seeing actual fruits (or vegetables) with my efforts. I have nothing against people who grow ornamental plants, but being the person I am, there is just less drive for me to go for “aesthetics”, as seen in my current garden setup. Today, I saw two blueberries on my plant, and what joy to see it!
There were some mistakes that were just straight-out hilarious. The first batch of tomatoes I’ve grown wilted after a few consecutive days of rain, so when another type of plant sprung to replace it, I felt hopeful! Little did I know that I was nurturing…. weeds!!! Of course, my thoughtful husband did not fail to “document” it.
I have a vision for both our front and backyard, but I didn’t realise how expensive this endeavour can be! I decided to use raised garden beds and pots because the weeds on our property are a pain, and we haven’t got it in control yet. I wanted to give my plants some fighting chance by creating a more controlled environment for them. For now, I will build on my garden one step at a time., but this have proven to be a very therapeutic activity for me.
These days, I have been enjoying activities that slow me down. I am amazed at how much more aware I become when I slow down. I get to appreciate my surroundings and find blessings in even the most mundane things more.
What’s more amazing is how this one hobby has got everyone in our family involved. Howell would be as excited as I am to see new leaves or sprouts each day. Rapha helps me water the plants. He has his own watering can and garden gloves, too. He would often encourage each plant by saying, “grow, kangkong, grow!” or “give us heaps of fruits, mandarin!”. And Milo being Milo would snack on the sheep pellets and mulch. He will usually “guard” me while doing gardening, following me around wherever I go.
I am excited with what these new experiences will bring. I’m looking forward to sketching the flowers and leaves in my garden. I am buzzing with ideas these days. Life is good and I am ready to jump into creating my own art again soon!
This week, I was planning to post on how excited I was that I’m going back to doing onsite classes at The Learning Connexion… until I had to decide to forego this opportunity after coming to a single day of class. It was a wonderful class with Justine Turnbull as tutor. Above is the photo of my artwork exploring tones.
My current week includes
preparing Rapha for kindy MWF
kindy drop-offs and pick-up
weekly distance learning meeting
committee meeting at Mana Arts (approx. once a month)
kids ministry (one Sunday every 3 weeks)
swimming 3x a week
daily Pilates
art practice
1 weekly art group
house chores
Silly me thought I could squeeze one more thing since it’s only a day’s worth a week. Little did I know that that entails preparing the night before—my stuff for school, Rapha and I’s lunch boxes, Rapha’s stuff for after-school care, thanks to my in-laws. That meant 2 days are spent just for me to get to that class alone—that’s 2 days’ worth of time, energy, and petrol! Hahaha.
I instantly experienced the aftermath of this week. Come Wednesday, I just lay flat off the sofa when I came home. Thursday, I was straight-out forgetting things and making heaps of errors, including driving. Friday was a tough one because I was snapping at everyone for the littlest things. It was a hard decision, but you just can’t have it all… at once! There is a time and season for everything. At this stage, I want to be 100% present to all my commitments, especially to my family.
Today, Saturday, we decided to do things that bring us joy. After Rapha’s swimming class, we headed to a pick-your-own blueberry farm and did a short walk at Percy Regional Park. It was a good reset from the grueling week we had.
I am so glad that, as humans, we are given the choice to let go sometimes. I am also surrounded by a loving village helping us raise our son.
I will still pursue onsite classes at some point… just not today.
It has been almost two months since my son has started kindy. We are still both navigating this new stage—Rapha with his exhaustion from the day’s activities and me optimising the time on my hands.
Some highlights of him going to kindy:
He made friends easily—there’s a boy and a girl who constantly play with him, but he gets along well with everyone. He prefers to play with kids older than him.
I am now getting used to receiving incident reports from the kindy—all minor incidents—but it used to scare the heck out of me. Rapha is a very curious boy who likes experimenting, which gets him into situations where he gets hurt.
He is asserting his independence more these days. Things like putting his clothes, socks, and shoes on, opening doors, getting his cutlery and plates from drawers, wipes for his nose and hands, and even putting on his seatbelt are all done by him exclusively these days. This means I need to prepare way ahead of time if we plan to get out of the house because everything just takes ages to get done.
His vocabulary and sentence construction improved exponentially because of his exposure to older kids. He can form complete sentences and express what he wants and what he doesn’t want, which is a disadvantage for me sometimes because I now have to negotiate with a 2 1/2 year old, which is not impossible but can be frustrating at times.
I have learnt to appreciate teachers more! Rapha’s teachers are kind and very knowledgeable. They constantly give observations about Rapha and some of the unique things they see about him. They worked with me at times when Rapha found it difficult to cope.
I can now do groceries, do art, and swim by myself! I truly enjoy the freedom and the solitude. I get to enjoy a few hours of silence, and it refreshes me.
I am happy he was offered a spot in this specific kindy, even though it’s a bit of a drive from our place. Even the parents I’ve met are wonderful people. All the kids I’ve met are polite and happy. This kindy has provided a beautiful environment where my child can thrive.
I love my sketches for Days 4 and 5. I’m trying out lines and how they can be applied to express effects I want done. I loved how cosy my dog looked in my Day 5 sketch.
Days 2 and 3 drawings – I had fun adding in the bubbles on Rapha’s bottle. The plate drawing was a bit tight for my liking. So excited for what I can get done in the coming days!
I watched a video from an NZ Artist named Rhiannon James about the things she learnt from drawing for a hundred days (https://youtu.be/BYzP2I3yXCQ?si=s5bc0aK8wlgLdnst) and got interested. It wasn’t the typical challenge where internet people are involved. She just did the challenge by herself.
After having spent almost a month doing admin things like framing, completing and sending entry forms, and liaising with different people for shows I wanted to get into, I felt really lost and rusty once I went back to the studio to paint and draw. I do not know what I want to create. I know I want to create something, but I feel like I am running on empty.
And so I was inspired to do this challenge myself, too. I do not know if I will ever get to reach 100 days, but I have prepared 16 sheets of small toned papers I can draw on for now. I have commitment issues in almost all areas of my life and have found that I need to take baby steps before committing to anything, so for now, I am starting with 16 days of drawing.
Day 1: Drawing #1
This is how uninspired I am at the moment. I picked up this almost finished banana and drew it. The composition and perspective are off. I did not like it. However, I liked the concentration I had while drawing this. It was simple and small. I easily accomplished one. I hope to use this blog to record the whole experience so we’ll see where this goes!
All my life, I have been used to recount bad days. It comes easy to me because I can easily make fun of my own misery. These days, however, I find myself becoming more aware of the good days.
In the past week, there have been several occasions where I just knew I was at the right place and the right time. As a change of pace, let me recount the ways God has been good to me.
Rapha has been doing swim classes since he was four months old. Since then, he has gained a lot of confidence in the water. He’s currently doing a level with kids his age but since he has been on the same level for quite a while now, he’s already getting bored of the routine. For his last class, they decided to promote him to the next level! This means he’ll get a more stimulating set of tasks he can sink his teeth into, and that excites me as a mum!
Apart from his swim classes, he only does Kindy Gym once a week, too, which leaves most of his days at home. Being a curious child, Rapha gets bored out of his mind some days. We have been waitlisted at the kindy near our place since he’s 1, but spots haven’t freed up yet. One mum from church mentioned to me that she’s been taking her son to playcentre now and it got me interested. She invited me to the playcentre where they go but I found the drive tiresome, so we went to the one closer to our home.
We just visited playcentre last week, but as soon as we went home, I enrolled Rapha immediately. He had a great day and the mums were very welcoming. It works for both Rapha and me because he gets to learn and socialise while I get to have adult conversations, which have become rare since I became a mum. One mum today was telling me about her and her kids’ routines when she mentioned about the school I was eyeing for Rapha to go to. From my experience waiting for a kindy, I wanted to secure a spot for Rapha the soonest I could, and the information she gave me was really valuable. I then rang the school, and we are now booked for an interview two weeks from now! What blessing!
Not only do I feel blessed in my family life, but I can see God honouring the little steps I take to further my art career.
Last year, one of the goals I’ve set for myself was to enter at least 3 group exhibitions or art awards for 2024. With that goal in mind, I allotted time and created artworks that I can enter. One of the upcoming exhibitions I am entering will be happening at our local museum/gallery, and the organisers were looking for local artists they can feature in their press release. I responded within hours after I received the message because I wouldn’t pass up this opportunity to put my name forward! They then confirmed that I would be included in the feature. My efforts are finally being noticed!
I have not achieved the outcomes in my vision yet, but it’s good to count the good things along the way. I want to commit them to memory because I am 100% sure these conversations and people I meet are not lucky coincidences, but it’s God placing me in the right situations at the right time. It’s a result of me working hand-in-hand with the God I trust will provide for me.
Maybe it’s in my solitude or just my everyday practice of silence, but it made me more sensitive to God’s movement in my life. I hope anyone who reads this may find their everyday sprinkling of God’s goodness, too!
With hopeful expectations, I came into motherhood thinking that, by my sheer willpower, nothing will change with my art practice. In my heart of hearts, I even thought I would nail all my roles with flying colours because I am soooooo good at juggling several things at a time.
Two years in, in full humility, I admit that I DID NOT nail all my roles. Nope. Nope. Nope.
I still put in the effort. I would say I do have an art practice. I make something almost everyday. I squeeze art in every single opportunity I get. However, things are not turning out the way I envisioned them to be. I still am not earning from art, not winning any awards, not qualifying for any of the known art shows here in NZ. Maybe it’s the economy, maybe it’s the market saturation of artists these days, or maybe now isn’t just my time yet—whatever the reason, I am not where I thought I’d be a couple years ago.
I am not in despair, though. I have readjusted my expectations of how my current world works. I am focusing on the things I can control.
First item I had to adjust my expectations for was childcare. I thought that when Rapha turns two, all I had to do was to decide to send him to kindy and as long as I was on a waitlist, all will be well. However, all is not well. Kindys are full. Rapha is on the 21st on the waitlist of the kindy which is a couple minutes’ walk from our place. He was on the waitlist since he was one year old. Even the ones which are a 5-10 minute drive ones are unavailable. I was on a limbo for a couple months until I decided I’ll just wait for the kindy near our place and if it never happens, then he’ll stay with me at home and we’ll find ways to make things work.
Second item is my expectation of earning from my art. It has always been the goal even when I didn’t even know what I was specifically selling. These days, I am focused on building a body of work I can stand behind. I do have a good number of artworks now, but I am not happy with them going out into the world yet, so I had to step back and aim to have an established process first and a body of work that I would be proud to show. In saying that, what I do these days is join group exhibits because it takes less work and still gives me an avenue to show some of my work.
With balancing the needs of a child and my art practice, I finally accepted that it is virtually impossible to do both at the same time. Case in point: this is my 5th attempt in 2 weeks to complete this blog entry. I just do not have enough hands for it, so instead of squeezing art during the day, I do it while he naps and once he sleeps at night. The need to watch over him to keep him alive is much more necessary these days because he’s a terrible two indeed.
The future is bright, though, because I have found ways to keep him busy these days. He has different sets of toys, art materials, and musical instruments he can explore during the day. All I need is to make it enjoyable enough for him to explore them independently.
This is all a phase, and until things free up more, I will stay here and enjoy the ride.
HandsVentures NZ 