Tonight is the night I hope will end all nights
The skies have been dark, cruel, and cold
Amidst the warm season, my heart froze
I wish tonight ends all nights
I ran towards the sun
I ran towards the light
Yet it eludes me
The chills embrace me
And promised not to let me go
Must I accept its promises tonight?
Must I, with open arms, welcome its embrace?
Shall I give up sunshine?
Shall I? Tonight?
We have been attending Equippers Church here in Wellington since September and it is our first time to attend an Acts Regional Gatheriing on 10th November. Here are some of the parts of Pastor Sam’s sharing that resonated to me. Some are snippets from my notes and my own commentary on the points that he mentioned.
Go after a dream in your heart.
Have faith in the impossible. Do something outside of your ability. Don’t let past disappointments stop us from believing.
This is definitely something I have experienced before – I’ve quit dreaming because people surrounding me told me to lower my expectations – even of God. Hearing that doing something outside of my ability is something that allows me to rely on God. Accomplishing something outside of what I can do can only prove of the Lord’s bigger work in my life.
Get good at celebrating successes of others.
In the Kingdom, there is no shortage. We do not have to compete for a piece of the pie. There isn’t just one pie because we know the baker.
I personally fall into this trap thinking that my presence and the things that I can do are essentially redundant as someone is already on the job or that there is nothing more that I can contribute wherever I go. This tells me that I do not have to fear because I do have a place and that I can celebrate those who are succeeding because success isn’t just for one person. In God’s Kingdom, everyone has a place – a unique, special role that only you can fill.
Desire
Desire is a good thing. God’s desires become our desires.
Pruning and purifying effect
If you are moving forward, you have to let go of some things. Deal with baggages, confront issues. Get rid of a toxic mentality of attitude you have had for too long. Lay aside the sin that sneers at us. Pride and progress cannot work together.
We have to get rid of baggage so we can run. If we get offended, acknowledge the offense, but let it go.
This also spoke to me as it is one of my favourite sins – unforgiveness. In choosing not to forgive, I often feel that I get to serve justice for myself but I always end up poisoning myself in the process. Learning to forgive and let go will allow me to propel forward, leaving behind anything that stops me from pursuing what I am supposed to pursue.
Dependence on God
Any dream God gives you is bigger than yourself. Dependence on God also means relying on others. In the kingdom, we are not designed to be self-sufficient.
It’s a bit tough to chew this truth. I grew up thinking that asking for help is a sign of weakness and that I should learn to be independent because no one else will be there to help when I am in dire need. Yet the call is to dream big dreams, rely on God, and allow others to be used for God to cater to my needs.
Bring redemptive lift
The next generation cannot fulfill their potential unless the current generation fulfill theirs. If you are not chasing after God in old age, the next generation can not pick it up. Your kids will only reach their potentials if you reach yours.
You choose the level you’re living – personal responsibility.
God wants us to occupy big spaces. Live a life of impact.
God resurrects dreams. If you wait for perfect conditions, you will not achieve anything. There is never a convenient time for the call of Jesus.
This one was very personal to me. I used to be surrounded by older Christians who say their time is up and that God’s work is already dependent on the younger generation. They no longer needed to participate in the work of spreading the truth of God’s love and goodness as they have done their bit in their younger years.
I was completely confused and angry to hear those words from older Christians – people you look up to for strength from their faithfulness to God’s call.
Pastor Sam’s words have allowed me to relearn this one thing – that whatever age we are in, the call never changes. In every stage of our life, we are called to participate in Kingdom-building. The older generation serves as clouds of witnesses to the younger ones that faithfulness is indeed possible. Our journey never stops no matter how old we get. We can aspire and still dream big dreams whatever season of our lives we are in.
Self-isolation here in New Zealand is imposed on international travellers arriving on our shores. Residents have not been required to self-isolate yet – business as usual for a lot of people here.
It is however, unfortunate, that I have had a tummy bug and flu the same time the first case of Covid-19 was announced here in Wellington. I had to absent myself from work this week for fear that I may compromise my workmates or the visitors I may come across with as my workplace is in the tourism industry.
It is a different story in my home country, though. Luzon, Philippines is already on lockdown and people are required to stay home. There is, of course, a wide continuum of responses to this, which I won’t go into.
This news of my home country and my own sickness led me to thinking of the things I did when I was younger, when there were most people had no mobile phones and no internet.
Was I unproductive then? Did I feel constrained in some way? Was my life limited during that time? Was life boring?
No. Most of the things I did then formed the foundation of the skills I have now. So I did a trip down memory lane and made a list of activities that I and the other 90s kids did then that can probably prompt some ideas relevant to people on self-isolation:
1. Read
There is one quote from George R. R. Martin that captures my personal experience of reading: “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.”
In reading, I learned. In reading, I have explored a thousand places with my imagination and have met interesting and amazing characters that I would not have met in my lifetime. My world widens when I read and I hope everyone who has time on their hands now give it a try.
Reading can give you a lot of different perspectives about your life and the world in general. Distancing from all the toxic and negative messages out there at the moment is also definitely a bonus!
2. Draw/ Paint/ Do Arts
This is one of the mindless activities one can engage in. There are definitely technical rules in drawing and painting but art does not judge!
Art is one way of expressing your inner realities onto your outer world! Draw, paint, play with colours and the materials that you have!
Though it’s definitely not a bad idea to learn the technical aspects of art if you are keen! Heaps of resources are easily accessible – Youtube (which has free art tutorials most of the time), online libraries, Skillshare (this one is paid but you may use my link to try it for 2 months for free: https://skl.sh/2xNHaXz), and many more! With the access to the internet, you can learn practically anything these days.
3. Learn Musical Instruments
You may have purchased a guitar or a keyboard or a ukelele but have never gotten the time to actually sit down and practice. Now is never a better time to do it!
This was one of the things that took a majority of my time when I was younger. I studied piano for almost 6 years and I was able to use that skill as a side hustle during the time that I did not have a corporate job. It is a relaxing hobby that engages your mind and your coordination skills.
4. Sew/ Cross stitch/ Crochet/ Knit
I did several crossstich pieces as a child but learned crochet just now. This activity is almost therapeutic and at the same time, useful in so many practical ways!
I get to make pieces that I can display at home and I also get to craft useful home items from it. I recently made some soap savers and am now working on a reusable market bag using crochet. You can practically make a range of very handy items using these skills. Go ahead and give it a try!
5. Do Paper Crafts/ Journal/ Scrapbook
If you are someone who loves keeping memories from receipts, movie tickets, plane tickets, candy wrappers, anything you can lay your hands on during a memorable event, now is a great time to properly “document” those moments! Start a journal or a scrapbook.
You may also choose write letters for an old-fashioned, more romantic way of communicating with your friends and loved ones!
Write – write your favourite quotes, Bible verses, your emotions, what’s happening around you. Write anything that is on your mind. It is quite surprising how these idle moments can bring the deepest revelations to you, if only you pay attention to it.
6. Cook/ Learn to Cook
One of the most memorable times I had with my sister as a child was experimenting with food. When bored, we would often scavenge through our cupboard and look for items we can mix and cook.
I was never afraid of the kitchen because of these experiments we had then. As an adult, it helped me become more resourceful and adventurous in learning new dishes that I can serve at home.
And it was fun because not only did we learn to make something we can actually eat, but we built these memories we can still go back to even as adults!
7. Connect with Our Family Members
My deepest conversations with my family members happened during lull times – times when you don’t really have a choice but to talk to each other. Being confined in a space with your family gives you time to ask, to give your opinion on things, to express your emotions and thoughts as home is a safe space.
And wherever your family members may be at this point, the internet has allowed us to be connected. Message them today and shower them with kind and loving words – just what the whole world needs now!
8. Exercise – even at home!
This was one of the things I failed to do as a child but I am slowly learning these days. Nothing can stop you from exercising! There are several places on the internet and apps you can use for home workout ideas. These days, the best you can do for your body is to make it strong and exercise does that for you. Go and get off that seat now and exercise!
9. Pray and Read the Bible
In these trying times when everything may fail you, the one true God who holds your life will not.
Our earthly bodies may fail but one thing that is sure? Eternal life. That is longer than anything this world can offer. Prepare for that life. Get to know God in this life. Ask Him where he needs you at this time. Ask Him what He wants you to do these days.
Reading the Bible can also put your views in perspective. It can console you. It can fortify you.
I raise my eyes toward the mountains. From whence shall come my help? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip; or your guardian to sleep. Behold, the guardian of Israel never slumbers nor sleeps.
The Lord is your guardian; the Lord is your shade at your right hand. By day the sun will not strike you, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will guard you from all evil; he will guard your soul. The Lord will guard your coming and going both now and forever.
Psalm 121:1-8
This too shall pass, friends! Keep safe and healthy!
I have not accomplished a lot since the accident in 2018. It may have been PTSD or depression, or maybe both, but I found it very difficult to continue with life in general after that. My health had the biggest hit since – I had to deal with my blood sugar, my weight, my infertility, PCOS, on top of the trauma and the depression.
I started to learn and do new things which helped me with my healing process and I can stay I am close to being fully functional now, almost 2 years after the accident.
I have been praying, serving, painting, swimming, crocheting, drawing, focusing on my work and online shop during my quiet months. These things and the support of my husband has allowed me to bounce back. It is in these brief moments of clarity that I am able to write and tell my story so join me in my journey! I will be posting more in the next weeks, months, etc. 🙂
Let me tell you about a boy.
He is talented. He plays guitar, drums, bass guitar, and piano.
He is active. He plays ultimate frisbee, volleyball, and basketball.
He prays. He trusts that there is a Sovereign God taking care of us at all times.
He is a lot of things to me.
I break things and I sometimes feel like I waste a lot of time and money, yet he generously gives, still.
I break down, get irritated, and change moods in a heartbeat, yet he never tires of standing by me.
I’m a mess in the most literal sense but he never tires of cleaning up after my own messes.
I work, but I feel not as hard as how this boy works to provide for me.
And it’s not just me.
I will always be grateful that this boy stayed.
I see this boy stretch himself, over and over, for the people he comes across with – his family, his work mates, and all the other people he serves.
Happy birthday, my handsome, talented, kind, generous boy! I met you as a boy and I am proud to tell the world that this boy has grown into a wonderful, wonderful man! I love you, Howell! Now, we celebrate!!!
I’ve been reading this book called Daily Painting by Carol Marine. The main message is to encourage artists to paint daily for their art to improve. I’ve only read a few pages but I am all in with the idea.
For my first painting, I painted a stream that flows into a river. As most of my paintings/ artworks/ writings reflect my inner thoughts, I wanted to share why I chose to paint this piece.
The past weeks have not been the best of times for me and Howell. I’ve been thinking a lot about life in general. One thing that keeps coming to mind is how I want to live my life. What do I want it to look like?
One gets a good perspective of how insignificant our issues can be if we look at the long-term consequences of the things we do on an everyday basis. It gives perspective on the things we consider “huge” and on the things we consider “petty/ trivial”. As Howell and I are at an age where we have all the resources we need at our disposal, it would be such a waste to live life as if it were just ours alone to live.
What are the good things we have for, if we choose to keep it to ourselves?
I thought of an imagery of a stream. The stream trickles down water from various sources and flows it to rivers. I want my life to be life-giving, not because I produce life on my own but that because I am connected to a source that never dries up. I want my words, my actions, my decisions, to reflect the purest of waters my source gives.
If there was just one thing that I want people to remember me by, it would be how gracious I have been, in whatever situation I were in. I want to be proud not of my achievements or my stature, or of my possessions I have acquired in my lifetime.
Instead, I want to be proud of the times I chose to forgive in spite of the pain. I want to be proud of giving even when I feel like there is no more left to give. I want to be proud of the fact that I have tried to reach out to those who are in pain, alone, and helpless. I want to be proud of living a life where I was able to give my all, especially to those who need it. I want to live a life that seeks to give, expecting nothing in return.
I hope my daily words, thoughts, and actions will help me achieve that – to be a life-giving stream, no matter the situation.
I was listening to a talk during the weekend when it was mentioned that one should do something (I cannot remember which part of the talk this is) for him/ her to reach his/her best self. The reason I did not remember what that something was because my mind got stuck with the idea of developing into our best selves.
I had this seemingly dumb question looming over my head – one can never go wrong with trying to achieve the best, but why? Why do I need to develop into my best version? Is not my current version enough?
I am happy. I am contented. I seem to have everything I need. Why do I need to go beyond the good and the better version of me?
Is good enough not good enough? And like the detail maniac that I am, I racked my brain with reasons why:
I’ve learned that really, there’s nothing wrong with the average, but there is nothing exceptional about it, though. Why do we tend to choose the average, then?
They say you need to start with the end in mind. And if I do think of the end, I think of the absolute end of my existence. When I die, whether I die at 30, or whether I reach 90, there is a longer time I want to secure – eternity.
If doing my best and reaching my best self is one way of securing my eternity in heaven, would I then not risk it all? Yes, average is good; but eternity does not recognize the average. The choice is yours.
“…yet in the midst of the chaos, God said, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’ Indeed, He is.
Even if I don’t feel it, even if I don’t see it.
I have cried over this several times, asking God to take this cup away from me. I went here with a leap of faith, never fully understanding that it can take a longer time before I fully land my feet on flat ground.
Be still. God will move. God has moved. He paved the way ahead of me, even if I haven’t seen it yet.
I am terribly bad at waiting but this time, I have to be perfectly still and wait for my Saviour who has the best intents for me. I will not whine nor grumble.
I will be still, just as He commanded me.”
This was one of my reflections 2 years ago. We were 2 months in New Zealand and it was a time of complete uncertainty for Howell and I. We just arrived, jobless, and were not even sure of my visa so I can stay in the country.
A month after, Howell got his job, and we moved into our home where we still reside today.
Time flies. It is now 2019.
That was a tough year for us and 2018 was a bittersweet one. Howell was promoted twice, moved into another wonderful company. We found new friends and lost old ones.
I got into a major vehicular accident, had bouts of depression because of the accident, dealt with major health issues because I was in pain for 3 straight months after the accident. After which, it led me to go back to my first love – writing and arts. It was also the year I launched my online shop.
I began to accept that our decision to go here would mean I will be apart from the people I loved the most. We’ve traveled parts of New Zealand and visited the Philippines. We’ve made huge milestones in 2018 and we lost huge parts of our hearts too – some, we know, left a permanent void in our lives.
In all things that happened, God has been faithful. Every pain has its own joys and triumphs. Every setback has presented us with greater opportunities. Every void was a chance to fill our lives with wonderful surprises.
I know 2019 will present more to me and Howell. May it be good or bad, I know that the Lord will continue to be faithful.
For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. – Jeremiah 29:11
A few days ago, I saw a video on Facebook which talks about time and how not to waste it, basically. I find these videos a cliche sometimes but then this one made sense. It kind of made me look at some areas of my life that I have not been dealing with. Below is a copy of the video if you want to see it for yourself.
I took several steps to fix my schedule and put a structure to it, somehow, but that is altogether a separate topic.
What I’m driving at is that after I took a good look at my schedule and how I am using my time, I saw that I have been spending it on the things that I love doing, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but I haven’t focused on doing the things I need to do to achieve what I want. For most people, doing things that they love and doing things to achieve something they want is almost the same thing, but for me, it isn’t.
To contextualize this confusing concept, when I refer to the things that I love, these are my hobbies–swimming, painting, reading, etc. The things that I want to achieve or want to have are: several businesses, good health (yes, it’s something I am working to achieve now!), eetc.
I saw that I have been postponing the concrete things I should do for me to achieve my goals (one specific goal that I am referring to is a business venture that I have been planning for 2 straight years now) because I want things to be perfect. I want to be fully ready before I do anything for fear that I may fail if I were not perfect or ready enough. Two straight years was not long enough for me to be ready, according to my irrational fears.
It was until Howell offered to do ALL the chores at home for this month just for me to have “time” to focus on this business, which was pretty ironic because he works Mondays till Fridays while I work Wednesdays till Fridays. I guess he knows me too much to know that if he gives me all the time in the world, I might eventually get tired of focusing solely on my hobbies. That’s kind of what happened.
So this week, I finally decided to take that step. A few months back, I already secured my supplier for the items I wanted to sell in my shop. I’ve also been paying for a website of my own for 4 months but because of my fear that I wasn’t ready enough, I totally abandoned doing anything to actually push through with my lofty business idea. Due to my indecision, the supplier I secured ditched me already so I had to frantically search for another supplier who should be reliable enough not to leave me. Thank God, I did found one a day after I found out about the other supplier.
When you look closely at your fears, you’ll often see that fears are just a manifestation of something deeper. For me, I do leave things hanging for fear of not finding a next purposeful goal after I have achieved it. Sometimes, I am too fearful that achieving this specific goal may tie me to a spot where I cannot leave. At times, I fear that I am missing out on something better that may still be out there and so I hold off moving as long as I can. Until I’m ready. Until every area of my circumstances are perfect.
Now, I am totally devoted to this cause, in spite of the fear. Why? Because if I wouldn’t take the first step, nothing will actually happen. What changed? The idea that no matter how wonderful and perfect my ideas are, if I do not do anything to achieve it, it will remain as, well, ideas, however perfect they may be. Ideas are good but without action, they serve no purpose.
At the end of my life, how would I account for how I lived? Like every gift given to me, I’d like to use it to the fullest and make something beautiful, something bigger than myself, out of the little or much that I have been given. There is no better time to move but today, now, at this very moment. Being prepared is good, but being fully prepared is a myth. If it makes sense and if it is something that the Lord wants me to pursue, then I’ll take a leap of faith, hoping against hope that what little I have may bear fruit and bless others.
As I shared in my last blog post, Howell and I are doing leaps here. There are heaps of blessings and fulfilled promises coming our way. One of our recent leaps is a life-changing deal we made with another person. I cannot begin to describe the scale of it. Just a disclaimer, this is not a shady business deal and it is totally legal.
One description I can give is that this deal will accelerate our plans. The time it will take to achieve the things we hoped for will significantly be reduced. It sounded too good to be true but it’s no easy task and so we knew that we needed to work really hard for it. And with all high-return decisions, come high risks.
We knew that we will be trying to achieve lofty goals and we knew the type of effort and the risks needed for these to come into fruition. However, we are secure that these risks we are taking are well worth it basically because we know the person we are dealing with. This person is trustworthy and committed. We knew that he knows the highs and lows of what we are trying to do. Some of the details, we will build as we go along but we know that he is capable and together, these goals are achievable.
I was awed by the kind of trust we gave to this person. In the same way, I have come to realize that if we know that the one we are dealing with is trustworthy, we can trust fully without any hesitations. If we both can trust this human being, why can’t I entrust the entirety of my life to an all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God? It is, admittedly, a weakness of mine. I am a worrier, a control-freak. I like planning things to the detail. With this concrete experience of saying yes to someone we deem trustworthy, I know that we both will learn. We know that if we get to know more of this God like we knew this person we were dealing with, there will be no reason for anxiety. We can entrust our lives fully, we can entrust even the finer details of our lives.
Proverbs 3:1-6
Do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments. For length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you.
Bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.
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