We had a busy weekend last week. Coming into Monday, I knew things will get hectic since Rapha is coming to kindy and it’s the start of Howell’s work week.
Unsurprisingly, Rapha woke up in a state of complete meltdown this morning. There are no other issues except that he woke up hahahaahhahaha!
It’s a good thing we came in equipped with tools that Rapha’s kindy taught us. We went to two parenting workshops which focused on self-regulation and relationship-building with children through play.
I stayed with him, fully present and calm. There was no shouting or heightened emotions like I was used to. After the longest fifteen minutes of my life, he came around and got ready for kindy like nothing happened.
Made me look back at my childhood and most of my friends’ upbringing, too. Information about child development and parenting were not as available then. These types of information would have saved a lot of us from grief and trauma some of us had to go through.
Going through and following through with the action steps we were recommended with has been very healing to my inner child. If only I was parented this way, I would sometimes think…
Still, I find myself grateful for the kind of support we are receiving for us to be better parents to our own child. There is hope for the future – and I am so glad to have the opportunity to help shape it by being a better parent today. Parenting has been taking a lot of time, effort, emotions, and prayers from me, but I wouldn’t do it any other way…
People who have known me for a long time will probably describe me as extroverted. I liked socialising and getting to know people.
However, since we moved to NZ, things have been different. I’m not really sure if it’s the culture, or my age, or if it’s just a growing trend across the world, but I have found it so difficult to make friends now.
I have heard people tell me to just go out there and find my people, but I have found that no matter where I went, my people were nowhere to be found. I have found people, but they always seemed too busy dealing with their own thing.
…And I am pretty sure I am making so many excuses to justify my comfort in isolation.
It has been difficult for me to be vulnerable around people. I have, in recent years, had my trust betrayed by people whom I have let into my heart and my home. It’s a shame that even though I am now surrounded by well-meaning people, I still hesitate opening up and fully letting them in because of this past experience.
But God knows how to meet me where I am…
I still like connections. I like hearing stories of how people live, of how everyone normally goes about their daily lives, and of their adventures. I love hearing how common my emotions and my experiences are.
The past few days, God has been granting me those connections.
My relationship with my in-laws is flourishing, and I love that I have them living near us. There will always be someone we can ask for assistance, recommendations, or food! They are fabulous cooks!
Yesterday, I was able to speak to a few women at church and catch up with how they are doing. I am not great at group settings, and so having the opportunity to speak with people on a one-on-one basis really helps me break some walls around me.
This afternoon, I came across my husband’s workmate/his boss’s wife in the supermarket, and my short conversation with her was so refreshing to me. There was nothing groundbreaking about our conversation, but just catching up with her and hearing their recent adventures brightens my day.
One surprising place I found connection is my group in art school. We meet online once a week and share what we are up to. We’re all ladies in the group, and it’s just so amazing how I am energised by these meetings. It does help that we are all passionate about art, but most of them are mothers, too. It encourages me so much every single time I hear stories from them about how they do life, art, and motherhood. I love hearing their perspective on things related to art and life.
I have been hiding in my shell for quite a while now, and I can’t seem to have the courage to fully venture out into the world of normal human connections, but God met me where I am.
He has been showing me, little by little, that I can trust again. I am slowly seeing that people do care. I may not have the same depth of relationships that I had back home, but I am stepping in the right direction. I can not force relationships, but I can make myself available for small conversations, maybe even friendships.
In the small and big things, I am glad that God meets me where I am. I am glad I do not need to go so far for God’s hand to reach me. He puts people around me to show His love for me. God has been mending my heart, my memories, and my relationships. Soon, maybe not too soon, I will learn to trust again…
I came across this statement a couple of years ago while processing my grief around the loss of my dad, and it has stuck with me since.
Last week was my dad’s 18th death anniversary, and I couldn’t help but remember the statement above. I still remember everything as if it happened just yesterday. That day, I prayed and opened my Bible as I waited for news about my dad while my mother and my sister rushed him to the hospital.
It had already been a tough time for us back then and my dad’s passing, I felt, was an unnecessary blow to my family. As I read my Bible that day, this reading from Psalms stood out to me:
Psalm 126
1 When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed. 2 Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” 3 The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
4 Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. 5 Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. 6 Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.
In one of my darkest moments, God has promised me good things. He promised me joy. It’s only in hindsight that I see God has been good to us even in the worst of times.
I told my sister that this year marks the amount of time I had with my dad was the same amount of time I have spent without him. Truly, I have grown around grief. There have been so many trials, joys, sadness, and victories I have had since he passed, and I am sure we’ll have heaps of time to talk about those in eternity. The in-between seems the hardest for me, even until now. I still long to speak to him, to be reassured by him, to even just hear his terrible dad jokes.
The good news is you grow around grief. Life does go on. In moments when grief visits me, I welcome it. These days remind me how God has been so faithful in my life. Indeed, I have reaped songs of joy as the Lord promised.
I have a pattern in my creative life where I am extremely productive and highly creative, then get to a dormant season where even though I continue creating, I do get a bit unproductive and then head to a phase where to reignite my creativity, I learn something new, and then head on to a new project reenergised and in full blast.
I am so close to the new project phase now but my dormant phase has been very interesting.
In my last dormant phase, I learnt how to make sourdough and have been making it since. We rarely buy store-bought bread now.
This time, I learnt two things: sumi-e ink painting and gardening.
Sumi-e Ink Painting
With the sumi-e ink, I was guided by a book I purchased ages ago. It’s called The Art of Sumi-E by Naomi Okamoto. I liked it because the method of learning is by copying the paintings presented in the book. I didn’t have to think hard and create when my creative juices were running dry. I just had to learn by copying.
The three things I loved were:
You get to create complete artworks with a few strokes. It works well with the way I work.
It is meditative. Since every stroke matters, I was able to be present while creating. My mind wasn’t racing to be elsewhere while I was doing it.
The paintings do not need grounding. It uses negative space to suggest a background to each painting. I love it because backgrounds are honestly my weakness. I hyper-focus on a subject, and rarely do I think about backgrounds when completing a painting.
Below are some of my favourites.
For a few months, I have only been doing these exercises, and it got me prepared to dive back in to my own practice again.
Gardening
The other thing I have learnt is gardening. People close to me know how awful I am with gardening. Even the hardiest plants wilt in my care. I’m unsure why I gave it another chance this time.
To soften the blow, I started planting herbs from seeds. This way, the initial expenses are not that much and I can just plant the seeds I have over and over until I get it right.
When my spring onions, chives, and mini leeks grew, I became bolder, and I tried to grow napa cabbage and tomatoes—both seeds randomly chosen by my husband because he was the one who encouraged me to do this to start with. I cannot remember why he encouraged me, but he might have some regrets now that we have a full-blown vege garden in our backyard.
At the time of writing, we now have a herb garden, a mandarin shrub, and a kalanchoe on our deck. In our backyard, we have a lemon tree, 2 avocado trees, coffee tree, lavender, tomatoes, kangkong, kumara, garlic, onion, ginger, spinach, lettuce, blueberries, strawberries, snake beans, and eggplant, which are all on raised beds and pots. I am awaiting about 15 more seedlings for planting in autumn and I plan to set up an apple and feijoa tree in winter and olive and fig tree in the summer.
Plants on Deck
Backyard
Being the kind of person I am, the drive to plant edibles is strong because I like seeing actual fruits (or vegetables) with my efforts. I have nothing against people who grow ornamental plants, but being the person I am, there is just less drive for me to go for “aesthetics”, as seen in my current garden setup. Today, I saw two blueberries on my plant, and what joy to see it!
There were some mistakes that were just straight-out hilarious. The first batch of tomatoes I’ve grown wilted after a few consecutive days of rain, so when another type of plant sprung to replace it, I felt hopeful! Little did I know that I was nurturing…. weeds!!! Of course, my thoughtful husband did not fail to “document” it.
I have a vision for both our front and backyard, but I didn’t realise how expensive this endeavour can be! I decided to use raised garden beds and pots because the weeds on our property are a pain, and we haven’t got it in control yet. I wanted to give my plants some fighting chance by creating a more controlled environment for them. For now, I will build on my garden one step at a time., but this have proven to be a very therapeutic activity for me.
These days, I have been enjoying activities that slow me down. I am amazed at how much more aware I become when I slow down. I get to appreciate my surroundings and find blessings in even the most mundane things more.
What’s more amazing is how this one hobby has got everyone in our family involved. Howell would be as excited as I am to see new leaves or sprouts each day. Rapha helps me water the plants. He has his own watering can and garden gloves, too. He would often encourage each plant by saying, “grow, kangkong, grow!” or “give us heaps of fruits, mandarin!”. And Milo being Milo would snack on the sheep pellets and mulch. He will usually “guard” me while doing gardening, following me around wherever I go.
I am excited with what these new experiences will bring. I’m looking forward to sketching the flowers and leaves in my garden. I am buzzing with ideas these days. Life is good and I am ready to jump into creating my own art again soon!
This week, I was planning to post on how excited I was that I’m going back to doing onsite classes at The Learning Connexion… until I had to decide to forego this opportunity after coming to a single day of class. It was a wonderful class with Justine Turnbull as tutor. Above is the photo of my artwork exploring tones.
My current week includes
preparing Rapha for kindy MWF
kindy drop-offs and pick-up
weekly distance learning meeting
committee meeting at Mana Arts (approx. once a month)
kids ministry (one Sunday every 3 weeks)
swimming 3x a week
daily Pilates
art practice
1 weekly art group
house chores
Silly me thought I could squeeze one more thing since it’s only a day’s worth a week. Little did I know that that entails preparing the night before—my stuff for school, Rapha and I’s lunch boxes, Rapha’s stuff for after-school care, thanks to my in-laws. That meant 2 days are spent just for me to get to that class alone—that’s 2 days’ worth of time, energy, and petrol! Hahaha.
I instantly experienced the aftermath of this week. Come Wednesday, I just lay flat off the sofa when I came home. Thursday, I was straight-out forgetting things and making heaps of errors, including driving. Friday was a tough one because I was snapping at everyone for the littlest things. It was a hard decision, but you just can’t have it all… at once! There is a time and season for everything. At this stage, I want to be 100% present to all my commitments, especially to my family.
Today, Saturday, we decided to do things that bring us joy. After Rapha’s swimming class, we headed to a pick-your-own blueberry farm and did a short walk at Percy Regional Park. It was a good reset from the grueling week we had.
I am so glad that, as humans, we are given the choice to let go sometimes. I am also surrounded by a loving village helping us raise our son.
I will still pursue onsite classes at some point… just not today.
It has been almost two months since my son has started kindy. We are still both navigating this new stage—Rapha with his exhaustion from the day’s activities and me optimising the time on my hands.
Some highlights of him going to kindy:
He made friends easily—there’s a boy and a girl who constantly play with him, but he gets along well with everyone. He prefers to play with kids older than him.
I am now getting used to receiving incident reports from the kindy—all minor incidents—but it used to scare the heck out of me. Rapha is a very curious boy who likes experimenting, which gets him into situations where he gets hurt.
He is asserting his independence more these days. Things like putting his clothes, socks, and shoes on, opening doors, getting his cutlery and plates from drawers, wipes for his nose and hands, and even putting on his seatbelt are all done by him exclusively these days. This means I need to prepare way ahead of time if we plan to get out of the house because everything just takes ages to get done.
His vocabulary and sentence construction improved exponentially because of his exposure to older kids. He can form complete sentences and express what he wants and what he doesn’t want, which is a disadvantage for me sometimes because I now have to negotiate with a 2 1/2 year old, which is not impossible but can be frustrating at times.
I have learnt to appreciate teachers more! Rapha’s teachers are kind and very knowledgeable. They constantly give observations about Rapha and some of the unique things they see about him. They worked with me at times when Rapha found it difficult to cope.
I can now do groceries, do art, and swim by myself! I truly enjoy the freedom and the solitude. I get to enjoy a few hours of silence, and it refreshes me.
I am happy he was offered a spot in this specific kindy, even though it’s a bit of a drive from our place. Even the parents I’ve met are wonderful people. All the kids I’ve met are polite and happy. This kindy has provided a beautiful environment where my child can thrive.
I love my sketches for Days 4 and 5. I’m trying out lines and how they can be applied to express effects I want done. I loved how cosy my dog looked in my Day 5 sketch.
Days 2 and 3 drawings – I had fun adding in the bubbles on Rapha’s bottle. The plate drawing was a bit tight for my liking. So excited for what I can get done in the coming days!
I watched a video from an NZ Artist named Rhiannon James about the things she learnt from drawing for a hundred days (https://youtu.be/BYzP2I3yXCQ?si=s5bc0aK8wlgLdnst) and got interested. It wasn’t the typical challenge where internet people are involved. She just did the challenge by herself.
After having spent almost a month doing admin things like framing, completing and sending entry forms, and liaising with different people for shows I wanted to get into, I felt really lost and rusty once I went back to the studio to paint and draw. I do not know what I want to create. I know I want to create something, but I feel like I am running on empty.
And so I was inspired to do this challenge myself, too. I do not know if I will ever get to reach 100 days, but I have prepared 16 sheets of small toned papers I can draw on for now. I have commitment issues in almost all areas of my life and have found that I need to take baby steps before committing to anything, so for now, I am starting with 16 days of drawing.
Day 1: Drawing #1
This is how uninspired I am at the moment. I picked up this almost finished banana and drew it. The composition and perspective are off. I did not like it. However, I liked the concentration I had while drawing this. It was simple and small. I easily accomplished one. I hope to use this blog to record the whole experience so we’ll see where this goes!
HandsVentures NZ 