I was inspired to create similar works from the The Days are Long painting I recently did. I’m honestly motivated to create a series exploring more on my postpartum journey using these skyscapes. And so this second work was born!
I called it Everybody’s Moved… but Me.
This was inspired mainly by my reaction to social media posts I’ve seen of my friends and acquaintances. Since mums of newborns don’t have much of a choice in terms of things to do, it’s easy to turn to one’s phone and scroll our time away. I was active and spent heaps of time outside the house prior to giving birth and so the sudden slow pace really got to me.
Seeing other people go about their normal routines is enough to make me super jealous. It felt like everything was as normal for the world I know and there I was watching everything go by. Everybody seemed to be moving… but me.
With the intention of this being a series, I used skyscapes, yet again, to illustrate this experience. I particularly like the colours I used here and making gradients through oils is such a satisfying experience!
The Days are Long, Triptych 16 “x 20”, oil on canvas
Prior to giving birth, I was working on a printmaking project which I never completed. It is a detailed piece which I never had the capacity to complete when I gave birth.
Within three months postpartum, I still was not able to create so I chose to take photos of the things around me when I can. One of the type of photos I took were of the skyscapes that can be viewed from our glass doors.
On my fourth month postpartum, I had more time to think about what I wanted to do. I wanted to process the beautiful photos of skyscapes I took so I experimented on a number of things and settled on painting it.
My recent work is a triptych oil painting on canvas. I have dabbled with oils several times but it’s just now that I’ve done a proper piece with it. It works well with my process since I usually work when baby is down on his day naps so oils suit because I can just leave the paint and resume work when possible.
The Days are Long explores my postpartum experience. The heavy, dark borders appeal to the sense of being boxed in. The black and white illustrative lines contrast with the bold colours and strokes of the skyscape. This depicts the stark contrast of the dullness of staying put at home and the colourful world right before me. The different skyscape styles and colours indicate the passage of time. It seemed during those months that my life was at a standstill while I watch the world go by.
I am writing this six months postpartum and things have already changed. It’s amazing to look back at this experience and see that things do improve. The days feel long but my wee one is becoming more independent day by day. It is wonderful to have an avenue to record these experiences and I would love to create more of them in the coming months.
What did you think of this piece? Any constructive feedback is welcome!
Two days from now, we will get to hold you in our arms. Mummy will have an elective c-section because you will be born in breech position. We are both excited and nervous but we’re more excited than ever. We have waited so long for you, my child.
Your very existence is a gift. I do not know what the future will bring or how difficult things will be for us, but I believe that the joy of having you will be greater than any struggle we will ever have.
You are loved way more than you could ever imagine. I have loved you even before you were ever conceived. Imagine our joy when we found out that you’re already on the way!
I have no words to ever describe what I feel right now but you are one of the Lord’s greatest blessings to us. Hang in there. We’ll see you very soon.
With joyful anticipation,
Your Mum
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
Ever since I learned of your existence, I’ve been learning so much more about myself, life, your Dad, and where God is in all these. Never have I ever been so unsure of what life will bring until you turned up.
These days, I am learning to live life day by day and to make each of those days count, because they do. Everyday counts, especially if you’re a baby developing in your mother’s womb. What I do, what I eat, what I feel affects you in so many ways and I only want to give what’s best for you at the same time balancing what’s good for me.
Never have I grasped my lack of control until now. No one knows when or how you will arrive and even that drives me nuts, my child. You will be born in a pandemic that truly shocked and changed the whole world and I do not know how to feel about that. We are blessed to be in a country that has plenty of resources and so much support from the government and our greater community – in your parents’ case, mainly the church.
I do not know when or if you will get to meet your grandma and auntie in the Philippines but that is a whole different topic altogether.
In all these, I am learning that I can only turn to the One who has numbered all our days, to the One who has loved you even before you were conceived. He willed you into being and His huge hands and generous love will see us through. Whatever uncertainty the future holds is certain for Him who hold all things together. I hope that even now, you will feel and know and claim that He is there, always has been.
I am very excited to meet you in spite of all my fears. Hang in there, son. Few months more and I will get to have the privilege of holding you in my arms. Even now, you are loved and cherished.
With joyful anticipation,
Your Mum
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
It has taken quite a while for me to write to you again. It has been a whirlwind since the day we found out about you.
A team of medical specialists have been taking care of both you and me. Moving to NZ was one of the best decisions we’ve made. We don’t know how it will be if we were in the Philippines because really, your Mummy’s body isn’t the healthiest.
I’ve been anxious the past weeks because the first sonographer who saw you thought you had a cleft lip. I mean I’ll still accept you even now for who you will be or what you will look like but I’m worried it’ll be an unnecessary burden for you as you grow. Anyway, the last scan said you are all clear. You might just have been blowing bubbles in Mummy’s tummy then.
Whatever you become, I hope you find and know and love Jesus the way your Dad and I have. I hope you model your life from Him because it will be the single most important decision you will do in life – everything else will flow from that relationship.
I hope you become the best version of you. I hope to raise you as a discerning, kind, and loving man who will choose to do what is right and noble no matter how difficult. I pray even now that God gives me the grace to forgive you at times that you will hurt me. And just the same, I hope you learn to forgive your Dad and I in times that we hurt you. Forgiveness has been the toughest lesson I had to learn and it has taken so much from my life without me knowing it.
Hang in there, my precious one. I will try my best to be healthy so that you will be, too. I am jumping with joy because you are alive.
With joyful anticipation,
Your Mum
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
I feel better today. Still getting used to the idea that I am not alone anymore – I have you to think about.
To be honest, I still think the tests are inaccurate, but all my other bodily symptoms and changes tell me otherwise. You are real and I hope to take care of you.
Help me to eat food that you need, because Mum doesn’t have the healthiest taste in food. I just want you to be healthy.
I am challenged by the idea of raising you. I want to give you all the wonderful things life can bring. I want you to grow in love, knowing the warmth of a real home.
I pray, even now, that you get to know God, and love Him deeply, personally. Know that God is real, no matter what circumstances dictate.
I am sorry for bringing you in such a broken world – I hope you’d be a form of light this current darkness needs.
I love you even now. Hang in there.
This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
This is another series I am launching in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.
Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.
11 November 2021
Dear Baby,
Not sure yet if this is real but I tested posivite twice today – first with an expired pregnancy kit, then second with a kit your dad bought at a supermarket.
You caught us by surprise, you cheeky little bugger. I was just accepting the possibility that I may never have you.
I am honestly anxious – because you see, Mum hasn’t been at her healthiest since we moved here to NZ. I am obese with a recent diabetes diagnosis, even writing it down shrouds me with so much shame.
I do not know if I am capable of raising you. I want you to be healthy but how do I start it when the vessel I’m carrying you with seems so broken?
I have just learned to be selfish and I’d say I quite liked it. You see, I grew up laying my life for other people. I’ve said yes even when people have worn me down.
Your Dad gave me that freedom to say no – when things are already toxic, when people are already disrespecting me, when people take advantage of me.
I’ve focused on my passion: arts. I’m actually in the middle of my studies, my child, and it feels like my life is being taken away from me once again.
Even now, I am sorry for feeling this. I know, in time, I will truly, fully love you because you are God’s gift to us.
For now, I hope you hang in there. I will try my best to mend this broken vessel. Do not be shy to take anything you need from me.
I’ve always liked preparing for things – events, holidays, school, projects, etc. It’s no surprise I carry the same enthusiasm in preparing for baby’s arrival. I’ve been reading books, forums, Mum groups, so that I’d know what to expect and what can make our lives way more manageable. One of the things I read was that it could tremendously help to have frozen meals ready for the first few weeks once the baby arrives.
And that’s exactly what we did! Last weekend, we were able to produce double serve of 43 frozen meals!
Here’s how we did it:
Have a list of the meals to be cooked and prioritise the order of cooking
I had to have varied choices of meals because I get tired of eating the same things over and over. We chose Filipino foods, a mix of vegetable and meat dishes. While completing the list, I have also factored in the time every dish cooks and which equipment I can use so that I can prioritise which to prepare first.
2. Do grocery shopping – preferably in places where you can bulk buy, especially the meats
We are fortunately located in the city centre so we are spoilt for choice with vegetable and meat shops so we were able to get the best prices for the ingredients we needed.
3. Clear a working space for chopping ingredients
We cleared 2 tables and the kitchen counter so that everything is organised. All cooking utenstils and equipment were washed as soon as they were used.
4. Have all cooking equipment ready.
Here is a list of the useful equipment we used. I don’t think it’s completely necessary to have these but it definitely did help for us to get things done.
Crock-Pot (for slow cook and pressure cook)
Vacuum food sealer
Upright freezer
Freestanding oven
5. Lay down and sort ingredients for each dish that needs to be prepared
6. Howell did the chopping of ingredients and packing of the cooked meals while I cooked up a storm and did the dishes
Having specific assignments for tasks makes everything easier. We also did assignments based on our strengths. Howell is great at organising things and dealing with spaces so he did the packing and clearing space in the freezer for storage while I cook well so I took it on.
We cooked 11 dishes for about 6 hours. Howell did the packing of meals for about 3 hours. Next time, though, I wouldn’t recommend doing this all in one go. It was too exhausting for both of us but I’m glad it’s all done now. We’re hoping these meals would tide us through for about over a month after baby arrives.
Happy to say I’m at 23 weeks now and the reality of the having the baby is finally sinking in! As I previously shared, I function as normal and didn’t have the usual aches and pains a pregnant woman can expect, which I’m so happy about. In spite of this dealing with pregnancy is not a walk in the park still.
Here are the things I have been experiencing so far:
Diabetes and my medications
I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019. It has been controlled so far with proper diet, exercise, and metformin. However, I learned that as a pregnant woman, it can be expected that my blood glucose levels can get out of whack so apart from metformin, I had to take both fast and long acting insulin.
I record my blood glucose levels before a meal and 2 hours after a meal, which meant pricking my fingers for a minimum of 6 times a day, not counting the times I go hypoglycemic. With my insulin, I take 1 fast acting one before every meal and twice a day of the long acting one, for a total of 5 injections a day.
It has been a challenge for me since I had to plan all my meals, time them, and adjust my day’s schedule to get my sugars in control all the time. I empathise with mums who work full time! I work from home and yet this challenges me still!
A diabetes nurse monitors my sugars once a week and adjusts my meds depending on my readings. Happy to note that my numbers have been really good the past few weeks.
Food
Apart from all the food you need to avoid while pregnant, I had to adjust my meals to suit the baby’s nutritional needs and my carbs and sugar requirements. This one has been a biggie since day 1 I learned about the pregnancy because I am not used to eating vegetables and I also get hungry all the time! One thing that helped is having a plan.
All my meals and even snacks are planned. I have a limited choice of snacks I can choose from so I didn’t have to think about food all the time and so they’d always be ready when I need one. It’s a great thing that my husband has been cooperating with this diet in a sense that he eats what I eat. It would have been way more difficult if he’s a picky eater who’d want to eat what he wants when he wants it!
Exercise
To manage my blood glucose levels, I also incorporate exercise into my day. Even prior to getting pregnant, I have been walking twice a day with my dog and swim about 3 to 4 times a week. I have kept this routine to this day but I give myself permission not to exercise on days I feel tired. I also do resistance exercises recommended by my trainor who’s a mum herself.
It has kept my moods in control and I found that my energy levels are consistent throughout the day because of this! Bonus is that it keeps me from experiencing aches and pains I’d normally have if I didn’t exercise!
Sleep
One new thing I have been dealing with at the moment is difficulty sleeping. I usually sleep face front and I just learnt that you are suppose to sleep on your left side when you are pregnant because it’s best for the baby and man it has been a challenge for me! To help with my sleep issues, I’d usually keep a book beside me that I can read when I couldn’t sleep and if it doesn’t work, I just sleep sitting down!
Preparations for the baby
We are blessed to have friends and family who already have kids. My sister-in-law has 2 boys and we have seasoned mums at church who have all been so generous giving away their baby stuff to the point that we only had to purchase a pram and a bottle sanitiser for baby. Everything has been provided for by these wonderful mums!
I am already halfway there and each day, I grow more confident that this is doable. It is challenging but I have an entire village who would be there rallying with me and supporting me any way they can.
My story goes way back 2012 when I was first diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). I had irregular periods then but that was the only symptom I had until it progressed to weight gain, insulin resistance, and eventually, as the doctors called it, an unexplained infertility.
It really didn’t bother me until we started trying to conceive, which started in 2018. We were already in New Zealand then so I can say I had sufficient healthcare. We were referred to a fertility clinic and we tried 3 rounds of Letrozole but never in any of those rounds did I ovulate. It was about the same time that I got into a major vehicular accident which impaired me in numerous ways. My regular physical activity rapidly declined as I dealt with my injuries and my undiagnosed PTSD from the accident, which then led me to emotional eating. It all spiraled to a point that I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019.
We had to hold off all efforts in conceiving since I had to bring my blood sugar down to a safe level first so it was from that point on that we started rethinking our lifestyle and revamping ways we are doing things. The urgent things I had to take care of then was pulling myself out from a toxic environment we were in. We were part of a group who completely ignores mental health issues and wouldn’t even want to talk about it as according to them, it should only be discussed with professionals. I didn’t even know what they meant – for me, it meant they didn’t really care what I was going through but I still had to do my “responsibilities” that I committed to in joining the group. I had to continuously be emptied without any promise of being filled.
It was in 2020 that we decided that enough is enough. We left the group and by God’s grace, found a church who would love Howell and I and care for us no matter the situation. It was tough trying to rebuild new relationships as the previous ones were completely severed because of misinformation that were given to the other members of the group. Still, it has helped my mental health tremendously. Toxic people and environments aren’t worth the work to keep.
And because I was then gaining momentum to heal, I also started getting physically active again. If I could remember it right, there were still strict restrictions in place due to Covid so I wasn’t able to get back to the gym but I found good alternatives like walking everyday for at least 45 minutes and doing online dance workouts. Once the restrictions eased, I went back to swimming for about twice a week and continued my everyday walks.
It was also the same year that I started going to art school, where I found my tribe – people who had the very same passions I had: art. No matter the expression, we had the same understanding of how art is special to us – for the first time since we moved, I felt fully embraced and understood.
In 2021, with careful planning and discussion with my ever supportive husband, I took a break from work to fully recuperate. I had a discussion with my employer because I really did not know what I wanted to do, all I knew was that I wanted a break to fully heal. My dear employer was kind and generous enough to give me some hours I can work from home while I rethink how I wanted my career to go in the near future. This also meant I was spending heaps of time alone at home so as thoughtful as my husband is, he decided to give me a dog to keep me company, and boy did it change my life. If you are keen to see more of our daily adventures with Milo, check out our Instagram page.
Milo is full of beans but is sweet and is a warm company who keeps us happy with his antics.
With my husband’s unconditional love and support, exercise, eating healthy, continuing with my studies, spiritual and emotional support from church, and my sweet Milo by my side all the time, I continued to heal. I started feeling physical improvement around June, which was also reflected in my lab tests that time. I wasn’t thinking of having a baby anymore because the priority was to just heal. I am so blessed to have been given this kind of support by everyone around me. Now here we are, I am currently 20 weeks 5 days pregnant. God has given us a child in His own time, and it is beautiful.
Filling yourself with good and beautiful things physically, mentally, emotionallly, and spiritually will do you wonders, even for someone as complicated and messed up as I am. Reminds me of this beautiful verse in Philippians:
8Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. -Philippians 4:8-9
HandsVentures NZ 