Letters to Raphael – 4

23 February 2022

Dear Raphael,

Ever since I learned of your existence, I’ve been learning so much more about myself, life, your Dad, and where God is in all these. Never have I ever been so unsure of what life will bring until you turned up.

These days, I am learning to live life day by day and to make each of those days count, because they do. Everyday counts, especially if you’re a baby developing in your mother’s womb. What I do, what I eat, what I feel affects you in so many ways and I only want to give what’s best for you at the same time balancing what’s good for me.

Never have I grasped my lack of control until now. No one knows when or how you will arrive and even that drives me nuts, my child. You will be born in a pandemic that truly shocked and changed the whole world and I do not know how to feel about that. We are blessed to be in a country that has plenty of resources and so much support from the government and our greater community – in your parents’ case, mainly the church.

I do not know when or if you will get to meet your grandma and auntie in the Philippines but that is a whole different topic altogether.

In all these, I am learning that I can only turn to the One who has numbered all our days, to the One who has loved you even before you were conceived. He willed you into being and His huge hands and generous love will see us through. Whatever uncertainty the future holds is certain for Him who hold all things together. I hope that even now, you will feel and know and claim that He is there, always has been.

I am very excited to meet you in spite of all my fears. Hang in there, son. Few months more and I will get to have the privilege of holding you in my arms. Even now, you are loved and cherished.

With joyful anticipation,

Your Mum

This is another series I launched in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.