Letters to Raphael – 1

This is another series I am launching in this space. I have written numerous letters to my child in the hopes of giving this to him as a gift someday. These letters also serve as a way for me to pour out my thoughts and emotions during the different stages of my pregnancy and motherhood.

Some letters I might post as an excerpt, some I’d publish unabridged. I hope to give this someday to Raphael and I want to keep some of my private thoughts and wishes, private.

11 November 2021

Dear Baby,

Not sure yet if this is real but I tested posivite twice today – first with an expired pregnancy kit, then second with a kit your dad bought at a supermarket.

You caught us by surprise, you cheeky little bugger. I was just accepting the possibility that I may never have you.

I am honestly anxious – because you see, Mum hasn’t been at her healthiest since we moved here to NZ. I am obese with a recent diabetes diagnosis, even writing it down shrouds me with so much shame.

I do not know if I am capable of raising you. I want you to be healthy but how do I start it when the vessel I’m carrying you with seems so broken?

I have just learned to be selfish and I’d say I quite liked it. You see, I grew up laying my life for other people. I’ve said yes even when people have worn me down.

Your Dad gave me that freedom to say no – when things are already toxic, when people are already disrespecting me, when people take advantage of me.

I’ve focused on my passion: arts. I’m actually in the middle of my studies, my child, and it feels like my life is being taken away from me once again.

Even now, I am sorry for feeling this. I know, in time, I will truly, fully love you because you are God’s gift to us.

For now, I hope you hang in there. I will try my best to mend this broken vessel. Do not be shy to take anything you need from me.

I love you.