By Sheen Ventenilla-Tungol
My postpartum experience was such a shift – a world I’ve never been to before. I had a C-section delivery and the recovery took longer for me so for the first few months postpartum, I was not able to go out and experience the world as I used to.
I saw the world pass by through the glass door at our home. I was missing art and the only creative thing I could do in between the busyness of those first few months was to take photos of the skyscapes visible through our glass door.
I felt more normal at four months postpartum and wanted to do something about the photos I have taken – this was how the Through the Looking Glass exhibit was born. I decided to paint these skyscapes and use the paintings to express all the overwhelming emotions I was still dealing with at the time.
I usually work with watercolours but I used oils for these paintings because they suited my process more during the period I made them. I completed these paintings during baby’s naps, and each was an achievement given the circumstances.
This is my first show, and I hope it can start conversations about mothers’ postpartum experiences. The usual focus with the birth of a baby is the baby and it is rare that conversations are had over how mothers experience this special time. In between the disorientating nature of the experience, it has been difficult to even identify the emotions I felt, and my paintings have helped with articulating them.
And as someone shifting her career from the corporate to the art world, I hope this show will be a testament to all the other mothers out there that pursuing our dreams is possible and worth it.
Above all, enjoy the skyscapes and the wonders and beauty they have brought me even in such a difficult time. Beauty is everywhere, we just must be brave to seek it amidst the chaos of life.
The Days are Long, Triptych
Oil on canvas
120 x 50cm, $720
This was the very first painting I made in this collection.
I had an elective C-section because my son was in a breech position. It took me about four months before I started feeling normal again. For the first three months, I never left our home – out of exhaustion and just the mental stress of bringing my baby out while every part of my body still hurt.
My only connection to the outside world was through our glass door and the internet. As a creative person, I still sought to observe and organise my world, and the most convenient way for me to do that was to take photos on my phone. Since my son was born during the autumn/ winter months, I was blessed with beautiful skyscapes which my eyes feasted on.
This painting was born out of those photos I took. I wanted to express how constraining it felt to be stuck at home and be robbed of my previous independence, of being able to go anywhere, anytime I pleased. My life at the time seemed so dull as compared to the whole world outside, still functioning and moving forward without any effort or input coming from me.
There was so much pressure to enjoy the moment and it felt like it was imperative for me to be instantly beaming with joy as a first-time mum since this new season was supposed to be a very joyous one. It was difficult to enjoy that newborn phase. It felt like I was thrown into a world totally unfamiliar to me, and I did not even have the physical capabilities to explore and adjust to it. I once heard that the days are long, but the years are short. Those days only felt so long…
Everyone’s Moved… But Me, Diptych
Oil on canvas
120 x 30 cm, $420
Since one of my only connections to the outside world was through the internet, there was so much temptation to compare my life with the people I knew. Social media was one of the things I did to pass the time between nursing my newborn and everything in between.
Most of my friends and acquaintances, even my family, live in the Philippines. There’s a larger “village” there in terms of support in raising a child. Hiring a live-in nanny was a common thing people I knew did.
It was mentally difficult to deal with it seeing that most of the mums I knew were able to live life as usual even after giving birth – something social media pushes you to think because the pleasant things are the only ones you see.
I felt jealous and I felt that everyone, the whole world, was moving forward without me. I felt left behind despite the joyous season I was supposed to be in.
Just a Peek, Diptych
Oil on canvas
80 x 40 cm, $420
My husband stayed at home with me for a whole month after I gave birth. He was very helpful in dealing with all the household chores and taking care of bubba while I recovered.
I struggled the most after that first month because I was used to having another adult with me at home. One of the things I looked forward to was opening the curtains and seeing the world outside our home.
Some days, things become so hectic my husband and I wouldn’t have the time to open the curtains and all I would see would be a peek of the outside world. It was so frustrating not being able to do even the simplest of things like opening our curtains.
Beauty in the Serene
Oil on canvas
60 x 35 cm, $370
Days with a newborn are always busy. You do the most menial, most repetitive things there is to do. It’s a cycle of nursing the baby, winding the baby, changing nappies, and putting baby to sleep.
There are moments, however, we get breaks when everything is quiet. These moments were rare, but when they came, it felt like I can finally breathe.
I especially love nights when the sky seemed so still. I was never fond of stillness before but when we were in the middle of the busyness of our newborn’s life, all we craved was a quiet night and those nights were so refreshing.
The Whole Picture?, Diptych
Oil on canvas
70 x 35 cm, $420
There would be days when things seemed so dire, I couldn’t see the point of what I was doing. Nursing the baby is one of the most important things I have done yet it seemed so inconsequential at the time.
Since I am a first-time mum, I did not know what to expect. It seemed that the tasks were endless and all so insignificant. I did not see life after the newborn stage.
My son was so dependent on me that I virtually am not able to do anything else. It felt like it was never going to change.
I could not see the whole picture because I did not know what the next chapter looked like. The more experienced mums I was able to talk to seemed to have forgotten what the newborn phase was like.
My son is now a year old, and I am seeing a bigger part of the picture and it looks beautiful.
Will it Always be Like this?
Oil on canvas
50 x 45 cm, $370
The monotony of my first few months postpartum made me so dull. There were a lot of confusing emotions and my hormones kept playing with my brain.
My experiences were a total shock because most of the things I heard were all about sleepless nights. Nobody told me about the loss of independence, the limited ability to move around, and the anxiety of even going out and speaking to other people.
It was so confusing why I have never read any of these in books. I thought my experience was so rare no one would understand because none of these things was ever talked about.
Now that I am way past the most difficult months of motherhood thus far, I can confidently say things change.
The clouds won’t always be dark and heavy.
A Distant Memory
Oil on canvas
50 x 45 cm, $370
The last holiday we had outside of Wellington was in early 2020. We went to a friend’s wedding in Auckland then headed to Coromandel afterwards.
There were days when because I couldn’t see clearly what the future looked like, I would just look back and reminisce on the happiest days I have experienced.
I felt that including this painting even though the inspiration was not from a present photo of a skyscape because the context of the painting was so surreal.
We saw the skies turn sepia-coloured during this holiday because of the Australian bushfires that happened then. It was an unfortunate incident yet seeing the skies during that time inspired awe in me. It was also a pre-pandemic experience, which I tend to romanticise because everything felt completely different then.
Travelling and holidays still seem like distant memory to me. We still have not had any holiday outside Wellington yet, but I look forward to travelling soon, this time with a child in tow!
Things Change
Oil on canvas
60 x 45 cm, $420
Moving past the newborn stage was such a huge milestone for me. This was the stage when my son started moving more and interacting more with me and things made more sense from this point.
It was such a relief to be past that stage. It was my first glimpse of the truth that things do change. With each week, month, and year that kids develop, they get to unlock physical, emotional, and mental milestones themselves and slowly become independent beings.
It used to puzzle me to hear that the days are long, but the years are short. A year after, I witnessed the truth to it. My son is now walking and playing independently, some of the things that have helped me regain some of my previous freedom.
It was inspiring to see a rainbow during one of the wet days last year. It reminded me that things change, and things just become more beautiful.
Keep Looking Up
Oil on canvas
60 x 45 cm, $420
The inspiration for this painting was my first walk after giving birth. It was such a wonderful experience to be out again after being cooped up in the house for three straight months.
The sky never seemed so bright to me. It was a symbol of reclaiming freedom to me. My husband and I walked Milo, our dog, with our four-month-old baby in tow. Everything was new and exciting. It’s a new adventure for all of us and I am confident it will just keep getting better.
Someday soon, I might even be making art with my adorable baby boy!
Reflections
Watercolour on watercolour paper
29.7 x 21 cm, $135 per painting
While preparing for the exhibit, I did some reflecting on my experiences. Colourful is one of the ways I can describe it. The first few months were bittersweet, but everything is different and way more colourful now.
I was even able to get back to my first love, watercolours. It was refreshing to work with this medium again.
My processes are constantly evolving, along with my boy’s development and his growing independence. I am excited for what my motherhood and art adventures will bring!
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